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I know you should enjoy every second of every day but my life feels like it is on pause for the next year.

• Right now I'm in a miserable living situation with my cousin where I skip dinner just so I don't run into them in the living room. She tries to encourage me to dump Judsen and hook up with someone else so I've started avoiding her completely. I can get my own place in May when my lease is up.
• I'm working at a place where my coworkers hate me and I have no work to do. I have

...

Brain, hold me I'm scared.

I'm scared too, Heart.

Brain, what are we going to do?

We need to decide what we want, Heart.

Well what are our choices, Brain?

Choices are, 'a ring', 'the question', 'both' or 'neither'.

Um.... I don't know what I want, Brain. It's too hard. You decide.

Heart, pull it together, slow down a bit, I can't think. I feel faint.

Well, Brain, what do you think? ...

I'll try to make this short.

I got the money from work today. And it's not as much as I'd expected... To be more exact its about 300euros less than I thought I'd get...
I basically calculated that even if I'd get myself a new phone, I'd still have about at least 700euros which would be just enough for the flight ticket (maybe 100euros more but that wouldnt be a big deal)
And right now I have only 500euros (thanks to my monthly pocket money its that much).
...

So, pretty much all I talk about lately on here is our meeting in November. But I'm just so dang anxious! We're booking our flights on Tuesday (day I get paid). We're both super anxious to book the flights. We both feel like after we do it will feel more real, more obtainable.

I spoke to my manager more in depth about when I'll be going and such and now have a definite yes and know exactly what I need to do to make it happen. Part of the "what I need to do to make it happen" ...

Haven't blogged here in a while. I opened up an LJ for the everyday stuff and there hasn't been, well, anything going on LDR wise. His internet's still not connected, I haven't gotten a reply text in a few days, and right now I'm a bit scared. Not about that, but about what's been going on with me that will most definitely affect our relationship if/when we live together.

Being Bipolar, I get the joy of knowing my entire life will be spent shuffling medication, constantly adjusting ...

I thought i would give a small update. I haven't really felt like making posts lately. I've been feeling kinda... depressed for a lack of a better word. Distant? Hmmm... i feel like just being alone and quiet. I'm not really all that sad. Just stressed.

Last week was a crazy one for me. Things with Lily are getting better. I still don't love her as much as i used to. But i appreciate having her in my life a lot. I suppose the love will soon follow as things get better. I bought myself ...

I have this incurable fear: That he'll leave me every time we fight.

It's irrational and I know that. I wish I could control it, but my paranoia won't allow me. We ran into problems twice today and every time, I felt that ice grip in my chest, waiting for him to say 'I'm done.' I felt the bottom of my stomach ready to drop, waiting to hear 'I'm leaving you.' It's been like that every time we fought since the beginning of the year.

I've told him how I worry about him ...

A day after Matt turned himself around, he got a call about a job interview. And not just any ole job - it's an admin position working for the Attorney General! Oh gosh, I was so excited and proud he even got an interview. The position is for a guaranteed 3 months with a possible extension of up to 9 months.

So now, we're in an abundance of good things. He felt really good about having an interview (and his first real job interview!). He looked so handsome in his suit. I could have ...