QUESTION: So I was in a LDR a year and a half ago, and he cheated on me. But I cheated on him too, it was a year long relationship that failed because of that. We ended as friends because we both cheated and both did wrong. After that I tried to move on and got into another relationship (local, but my friend said that was not the right way to move on). He went on and hooked up with girls.
I live in California and he lives in Houston, TX. I met him through family when I visited. So pretty distant right? But now he came to California to visit his family, and he says he wants me back and that he hasn't stopped thinking about me. Thing is, if he really didn't stop "loving"me, he wouldn't have done stuff with other girls.
It has been 4 days since he told me that and I told him that I would think about it. I have but I'm unsure if its the right thing to do. I would think he would have said "I love you" or "I miss you" but he hasn't said anything of that sort. It's like he never told me he wanted me back. First time we had a relationship he said he isn't willing to move here for me. he said "There isn't anything for me in Cali". So it makes me question how committed he is to me.
Anyways... What should I do? How does all of this sound to you?
Roses
PS: a little question, since he told me all of that 4 days ago, I have been feeling depressed, thinking of him, feelings of crying. My friend says it's "love sickness". He is currently staying 2 more days in a city in California. 1 hr and a half ago, I saw him 2x in a row. And I don't know why I'm feeling like this.. HELP!! ]":
ANSWER:
Hello Roses,
In my honest opinion, I would say "put the past in the past" and let this be, because you'd be reviving an old long distance relationship with trust issues at the start. Trust is pretty important in any relationship, but even more so for a long distance relationship. For trust to start broken in a LDR can mean the ultimate demise of that relationship.
I wish it were that simple, (and you probably expected that sort of answer from me) it's easy to see this from my point of view where I have no feelings involved and can be unbiased.
But since I know you are considering this relationship, I'll try and put myself in your shoes for a bit.
First, figure out if you still love your ex. And by that I mean figure out if you really love him, not just have feelings for him. Anyone in a LDR that truly does love their partner would ultimately - if they absolutely had to and couldn't be with them if they didn't - move to be with their partner.
If you've decided that you do love him that much, then you can begin to consider being in a relationship with him again SO LONG as he feels the same way about you. You said that in the past he had stated that he wouldn't move to be with you in California, but perhaps that has changed with all this time he has had to think about it. You'll have to ask him about this when you get a chance to sit down and really talk about this with him.
And I know a lot of people are going think that you shouldn't discuss who's going to move in LDR until both people are ready and are "at that stage" in their relationship. But the reality is, that the "big move" is the ultimate goal of an LDR couple. You can't be long distance forever, and you shouldn't start a LDR unless that is understood by both people.
For new LDRs, they don't have to have plans set in stone or know what they are going to do or how they are going to get there, but they should at least know if they'd be willing to make the move if they know they're in love with that other person. In your situation, it's not a new LDR, and you each should have some sort of idea of what you'd be willing to do for other to make the relationship work.
If the love and willingness to make this LDR work is not there, then I don't see any reason to start dating each other again, when it will likely only end with 2 broken hearts.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!
Menu
