by, January 13th, 2017 at 10:11 AM (1809 Views)
This morning I dreamt of Andy.
I was walking into my office, and I see some chairs clustered around each other. I get closer and, in shock, see Andy right there in that cluster. My heart started racing, my mouth dropped open, wondering why he was here, what kind of coincidence was it that somehow brought him to my place of work, why didn't I take more time getting ready this morning, I am too fat, what will happen when he notices me. I get closer and start thinking about how I can hide... His beauty is still so intimidating to me.
Andy sees me and jumps up, "Jen!" he cried and rushed right in for the hug. He's in a sharp blue suit, not navy, a brighter, more modern blue. White shirt, cufflinks, great tie. I feel the material against my cheek, and going against everything my brain is screaming at me, I cling to that hug. So does he.
I am starting to realize that the reason he's here in my office is because of me, not some bizarre, stinging coincidence, and I wonder why. I blurt out "Andy, Andy, how did you find me?", he jokes and tells me he was looking for the woman wearing jeans and flats that day (dreams are weird). "But, but..." I'm overwhelmed and don't know what to say, I'm in shock. We start babbling, I don't remember about what. We hug again, and then some more after that. Fuck, he still smells like Andy, and it's killing me. Co-workers are all around, so I start looking for a meeting room to duck into to try and figure out what's going on. Because places are always strange in dreams, a woman and her kids are throwing a ball off the walls of the conference room I need, I get rid of them and we sit on an otherwise non-existent couch. I look into what are still the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen, and Andy tells me he came because he wants me, he came back because he will make this work. He asks me if I want that, and I tell him yes.
Bits and pieces, alarm going off, hitting snooze and trying to get back to the dream with varying levels of success. Ended up waking up pretty late for work, as I did not want that dream to disappear, trying my best to hang onto it.
I finally woke up, disturbed. I hate that Andy still haunts me, and that he can still have this effect on me that will fuck up this whole day. It bothers me that not even once did I remember Raine, that I didn't say "Sorry, Andy, I have a wonderful partner that I love, so screw yourself". Raine wasn't even there. I almost missed my exit on the way to work because of daydreaming this and thinking.
The only guy who has ever broken my heart, and he isn't even either of my ex-husbands. It's been over 8 years since I cut contact, it's been almost 9 since that visit, why is he still bothering me? Why, with all the deeply buried anger and rage and hurt over how I was treated, would I completely acquiesce and pretty much melt into him, like a pathetic damsel in distress? Why is he the one I can't shake off, and why does the whole situation still bother me SO much? Damn, I really hate admitting that, even just to myself.
Things have been pretty shaky with Raine and me since around May. I had a big crisis with my career that made a mess of me for about a month. I'm not a big crisis person, I handle my shit, I don't fall apart, except this time I did a little. Raine's idea of support was to get really, really nasty with me, saying horrible things and insisting I see a psychiatrist and get drugged. He insisted on getting, but I refused, my brother's contact info, to tell him all about it, so my brother could see to it that I get drugged. The really fucked up part was that I wasn't even that bad, I never am, I just needed someone to listen to me shout and rave for a couple of weeks, not all of the time, just sometimes. I am not, have never been and never will be a raving lunatic. I realized he'll never, ever be a resource for support and I'm on my own with that. I haven't really forgiven him and I don't feel the same towards him since that time. I'm trying though.
The less said about Andy, the better. He lives in London, we used to work together when he lived in the US. We had a thing that lasted for years, on and off. He was the most beautiful real life man I ever saw, though once in a while my LinkedIn shoves him on me as "someone I might know", and I think he looks awful. He's the only man who has ever affected me in such a way, he shredded my heart, and now I'll be stuck thinking about him all day. This sucks.
Yep, I fully know this is just a dream, and what dreams are and all that. I just needed to tell it, to try both purging it and coming to terms with it. I don't really have another place to do that. Thanks for reading.