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Setting expectations. How do you communicate how important "small" things can be?

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    #1

    Setting expectations. How do you communicate how important "small" things can be?

    My boyfriend did something a bit upsetting today.

    Yesterday we agreed to finish the first season of a TV show today (the last three episodes). I arrived home and was told that he was already watching the last episode on his own. His reasoning is that I seemed very excited to introduce him to the second season and he was out of shows to binge-watch, which I'm not at all pleased about. You only see an ending for the first time once, and I was really looking forward to seeing his reactions.

    This is coming after similar problems with communication, such as him not giving me a heads-up when he was going to be out all night. These are things he says he'll get better at, as it's been a long time since he was in a relationship. Fair enough - I'm no spring chicken myself. We chat in calls nightly but had never discussed how often we really needed it, or what we needed between those chats. I just enjoy knowing whether or not I should plan for some time together.

    However, we agreed less than 24 hours earlier that we would finish the season together tonight. This has led to me feeling like he may not be someone I can rely on to do what he says he will. Am I wrong for being upset when it's "just a TV show"? How do I explain to him how important it is for me to have someone who keeps their words and plans with me?
    Last edited by mochabeans; June 14, 2017, 04:47 PM.
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    #2
    When my SO and I got together, he hadn't been in a relationship in 10 years. Needless to say, we've had a lot of things to get through as he's re-learning. I also, have to realize that I have more experience, even though we are the same age.

    When he does something where I want to be like, "Really?" - I look at the big picture. In a year, 5 years, 10 years - is it really going to matter that he finished watching a TV show without me? Probably not. When he busted his ass to make sure he made it to my daughters high school graduation and was there like he said - or when he waited 24 hours in an airport on standby to get to me when he missed a flight out and we were celebrating our birthdays together for the first time - are those things going to matter and make a difference to me 10 years down the road- yes. When push comes to shove, I know he's there when it's truly important. Due to that, I let the small things fall to the side because when it comes to it, I don't sweat the small stuff.
    To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

    ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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      #3
      Originally posted by R&R View Post
      When my SO and I got together, he hadn't been in a relationship in 10 years. Needless to say, we've had a lot of things to get through as he's re-learning. I also, have to realize that I have more experience, even though we are the same age.

      When he does something where I want to be like, "Really?" - I look at the big picture. In a year, 5 years, 10 years - is it really going to matter that he finished watching a TV show without me? Probably not. When he busted his ass to make sure he made it to my daughters high school graduation and was there like he said - or when he waited 24 hours in an airport on standby to get to me when he missed a flight out and we were celebrating our birthdays together for the first time - are those things going to matter and make a difference to me 10 years down the road- yes. When push comes to shove, I know he's there when it's truly important. Due to that, I let the small things fall to the side because when it comes to it, I don't sweat the small stuff.
      This is the attitude I want to take... but if someone is frequently missing out on the small stuff, how do you know they'll be there for the big stuff? I feel like this has been a consistent pattern and we haven't been together long. We don't have examples of the big stuff yet.

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by mochabeans View Post
        This is the attitude I want to take... but if someone is frequently missing out on the small stuff, how do you know they'll be there for the big stuff? I feel like this has been a consistent pattern and we haven't been together long. We don't have examples of the big stuff yet.
        It takes time. My SO and I have been together 3 1/2 years. I've gotten to know him as a person and see how he interacts with others and not just with me. He does have a lot of good intentions but stretches himself too thin and things slip through the cracks sometimes. However, I see this happens with his family and friends and it's just part of who he is. He's not deliberately singling me out with how he acts.

        There are things he doesn't do that I wish he would and the same of me for him. We have to look at what they are and decide are they deal breakers or things that we can live with. I've decided having him in my life is more important that missed phone calls or some of the things he does that drives me nuts. I mean, it's June and I still don't have my Christmas present. I've seen it.......he just still hasn't gotten around to mailing it. I just shake my head and move on. He's a different person than me and I have to either embrace who he is or walk away. But no one is ever going to be 100% like me or live up to every expectation or be fully in sync with me. You have to decide if these things are too much for you and if they are, then you have a choice to make.
        To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

        ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

        Comment

          #5
          I think all in all it comes down to setting boundaries. He needs to learn that some things are important to you and that if they repeat themselves, it'll be an issue in the long run. It'll take time.

          If someone does something once, like the whole show thing, I would bring it up and then let him know that that was not what you guys agreed on. If it doesn't happen again, you can drop it and move on, but if it KEEPS happening, that's when you need to address it with more severity.

          The same goes for not letting you know he will be out. If he has been single for a while, he might have just forgotten - if it happens once, drop it, it's not a big deal, he'll remember next time, but if it keeps happening that means he doesn't quite care about that and that's an issue in itself.

          I second R&R - is it going to matter that he leaves his dishes on my desk every day in 10 years? No, not really, so even though it bothers me, I don't bring it up anymore, it's not a big deal. Is it going to matter that he shares details about our sex life with his friends when I'm around? Yes, I will feel this strongly about it now and in 10 years, so I brought it up twice so far to let him know how important it is and he has been good about it ever since. He learned my line and is not crossing it anymore.

          Relationship began: 05/22/2012
          First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
          Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
          Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
          Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
          Married: 1/24/2015
          Became Resident: 9/14/2015

          Comment

            #6
            We try to talk about things, and to be fair they do tend to improve. It took a few weeks, but he started letting me know if he was going to be out all night.

            I agree that there are things that don't matter, and things that do. Something like dishes or clothes lying around I could easily just put up with because they don't affect anything important to either one of us, but I can't compromise on consistency and reliability. Probably 99% of life is spent in the nitty-gritty of daily life, not the big romantic gestures he enjoys. I want to feel secure with my partner's word and able to make plans.

            We had another argument today that I'm too tired after work to explain, along the same lines. I'll give it time to improve I guess.

            Comment

              #7
              It won't improve unless you make clear how important this is to you. You have to clearly tell him that this is something he can't mess up on, it's not something he can simply forget about and it won't be a big deal. If it's important to you, make a big stink about it until he gets it. Tell him from many different angles how important this is.

              My husband would bring in the future aspect when we used to argue about things that just weren't important to me but are higher on his priority list - how would this affect us if we were married, how would it affect our children? Only then I could really understand that it was something I had to work on.

              Relationship began: 05/22/2012
              First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
              Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
              Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
              Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
              Married: 1/24/2015
              Became Resident: 9/14/2015

              Comment

                #8
                My SO and I have a similar problem. There's a number of "small things" he does that I don't and vice versa, and despite your best efforts to try and talk things out, it doesn't always work that way because the "small things" are habits he/she has ingrained in their personality and they are hard to get rid of, nigh on impossible in some cases. Like the others said, work out what's more important.

                Comment

                  #9
                  But even then, it's not that you have to compromise on something that is really important to you. You have to make your boundaries clear from the beginning.

                  It doesn't seem like you have outrageous needs - you want him to stay true to his word and double check with you, that's not a bad thing. It might have shown in a petty situation, but the bigger picture is you want to be able to trust his word. If you agree that you will watch something together and he changes that plan, it shows that he doesn't care about your agreement. It might have only been a show and not picking up the children from school, but it could end up there.

                  I don't know if I am making sense, but what I'm trying to get at is that you give people chances to see if it was something minor they just didn't think about or if it is a character trait you cannot accept. Not valuing your agreements is major, thinking it was just a show and not important is minor at best - but you need to figure out what it is by bringing it up and then seeing if it happens again. If it doesn't - great! If it does, then you need to make a more stern approach.

                  Relationship began: 05/22/2012
                  First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
                  Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
                  Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
                  Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
                  Married: 1/24/2015
                  Became Resident: 9/14/2015

                  Comment

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