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Strong Desire For Honesty

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    Strong Desire For Honesty

    Hi Everyone,

    This is my first time posting here. I really need to know how to go about what I am about to write. My boyfriend lives in VA and me Indiana. We've known each other for 12 years. He's good for the most part, but I cannot understand the lying, especially what he lies about. He hasn't been honest about who he calls---well he is for the most part. I have managed to find a way to get access to his phone records (please don't judge me), and come to find out, he calls his mom after we get through talking, especially since he and her have a close relationship. Yet he lies about not talking to her, every day, when he does. He's lied to me about other small things as well. I am a bit concerned about his lying to me about small things because it is likely he will or is already lying to me about bigger things. I talked to him about his lying about things (not him calling his mom) and he said to be honest with me from now on. That was a week or so ago when we had that conversation because I had caught him in a lie.

    We have some sort of history in regards to his mother. 12 years ago when we tried to have a relationship he was in school at the time, and his mother didn't approve of us being together or considered me a distraction back then, so she gave him a ultimatum, saying that he either stop talking to me or he cannot come home, and she will stop paying for his phone (his phone bill was high due to us talking a lot) and other things she bought for him. Well fastforward years later and his mother knows about me now, but he had to hide it from her fearing how she would react if she knew him and I were seeing each other again, much less him coming to visit me. It took him coming to visit me in order for it to be "revealed" to her where he was going, who he was seeing etc. She told him that she wants to meet me and that I must be really important to him for him to come all this way to visit me.

    But going back to what I was saying about the phone thing, which brings me to that, he basically keeps from me that he talks to his mother everyday. I have dropped hints that I am sure that's a lie, since when he came to visit me and he didn't tell her, he received an angry text saying that what he did was "disrespectful". I have never been in a situation like this before. Do I confront him about what I know? Is there a more roundabout way to get him to admit what he's lying to me about? Also why would he lie about how often he talks to his mother? I'm sorry if I seem all over the place, but considering the things him and I have gone through and us finally meeting, the last thing I want is us to break up.

    Thanks and please do not judge me. I really need support right now.
    Last edited by truthisbetter; July 11, 2017, 08:12 AM.

    #2
    You're making this into a big thing for nothing and that's why he is lying about it.
    There is obvious tension between the three of you and she is his mom. He will always love and care about her and she will always be important to him. He is most likely scared that you'd be upset that he talks to her a lot due to your past. She is his mother. Just drop it.

    Relationship began: 05/22/2012
    First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
    Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
    Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
    Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
    Married: 1/24/2015
    Became Resident: 9/14/2015

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      #3
      Originally posted by snow View Post
      You're making this into a big thing for nothing and that's why he is lying about it.
      There is obvious tension between the three of you and she is his mom. He will always love and care about her and she will always be important to him. He is most likely scared that you'd be upset that he talks to her a lot due to your past. She is his mother. Just drop it.
      Thanks for your reply.

      Comment


        #4
        I agree with Snow...he's probably taking the path of least resistance which is not to tell you he talks to his mom because it causes a row. If he learns he can trust you to react calmly and support him, he might start to be more upfront with you....let the littlew things pass. It's frustrating to not be known to your SO's family, but sometimes it's just the way it is at the moment..
        sigpic

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          #5
          Originally posted by autumn1790 View Post
          I agree with Snow...he's probably taking the path of least resistance which is not to tell you he talks to his mom because it causes a row. If he learns he can trust you to react calmly and support him, he might start to be more upfront with you....let the littlew things pass. It's frustrating to not be known to your SO's family, but sometimes it's just the way it is at the moment..
          Thanks for your response. I'm trying to just not let it bother me. I asked him today, what will it take for him to be more open/honest with me about things. He told me if I was more calm. That made me feel like I have to change something else about me in order to get what's supposed to be given in a relationship anyway (honesty). I'm not sure what to do after being told that.

          Comment


            #6
            100% agree with snow.

            Just in case you haven't realized it, you're asking total honesty from someone, yet not willing to give it yourself. Unless he knows you're snooping through his phone records, you're being hypocritical with this. Think about it.
            Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Moon View Post
              100% agree with snow.

              Just in case you haven't realized it, you're asking total honesty from someone, yet not willing to give it yourself. Unless he knows you're snooping through his phone records, you're being hypocritical with this. Think about it.
              It didn't start off this way until he starting being dishonest about things and me finding out about it, and it wasn't through me snooping at first.

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                #8
                I agree that honestly should be given no matter what, but I know how draining it can be to have honesty backfire and cause more problems than keeping silent would've...
                sigpic

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by autumn1790 View Post
                  I agree that honestly should be given no matter what, but I know how draining it can be to have honesty backfire and cause more problems than keeping silent would've...
                  I am not the one he should be afraid of telling that kind of stuff to. It was his mom who he was initially afraid of telling that him and I are seeing each other again. I have no problems with him talking to his own mother. I admire that he cares about his mom a lot and how important she is to him. I even expressed this to him. I never had a problem with his mother, even back then. So I am confused about how his honesty would backfire.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Maybe I got the wrong impression, and I apologize if I seem vindictive. I'm getting that you want advice on how to get him to stop lying, but I really have no idea how to do that. There's someone in my life (not SO) who is eternally bent on trying to find me in a lie (not saying you're like that). All it does is make me shut down around that person and not tell them anything, because anything I say makes them subtly dig deeper and deeper into my personal space. I don't trust that person at all, because they don't give me the benefit of the doubt. If your SO's behavior has caused you to reach that point, I guess a serious talk about the relationship must occur, as you seem to already have done. Seems like you're both being dishonest with each other, so I hope both of you work together to communicate more openly.
                    Sorry....I'm just a youngling with idealistic views...can more maturelings pipe in here?
                    sigpic

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                      #11
                      Originally posted by autumn1790 View Post
                      Maybe I got the wrong impression, and I apologize if I seem vindictive. I'm getting that you want advice on how to get him to stop lying, but I really have no idea how to do that. There's someone in my life (not SO) who is eternally bent on trying to find me in a lie (not saying you're like that). All it does is make me shut down around that person and not tell them anything, because anything I say makes them subtly dig deeper and deeper into my personal space. I don't trust that person at all, because they don't give me the benefit of the doubt. If your SO's behavior has caused you to reach that point, I guess a serious talk about the relationship must occur, as you seem to already have done. Seems like you're both being dishonest with each other, so I hope both of you work together to communicate more openly.
                      Sorry....I'm just a youngling with idealistic views...can more maturelings pipe in here?
                      There really wasn't anything wrong with the advice you gave, it was pretty good.

                      The fact is, until the OP has a very in depth conversation with her SO, and comes clean about the snooping, so his lies are proven, there's not much more to do here. You can't fix this by remaining dishonest, regardless of who started it. They need to have an honest discussion, then the slate can be wiped clean and trust rebuilt.
                      Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by truthisbetter View Post
                        Thanks for your response. I'm trying to just not let it bother me. I asked him today, what will it take for him to be more open/honest with me about things. He told me if I was more calm. That made me feel like I have to change something else about me in order to get what's supposed to be given in a relationship anyway (honesty). I'm not sure what to do after being told that.
                        Well, first of all, if you know you are going to ask a question that he is going to give an answer at that you might not like, prepare yourself for the answer. Then just say 'thank you for your honesty, I like to think about how to respond' or something like that. Then he knows you are working on it, and you get his honesty.

                        Just a thought.
                        Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

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                          #13
                          I suggest that you initiate honesty by being honest with him that you have access to his phone records AND that you have been monitoring his phone calls and texts. He is not the only person being dishonest. Also be honest about how you obtained his phone records and for how long you have been checking his phone records, and your motivations for doing so.

                          You ask repeatedly that we do not judge you, yet your entire post is a judgement of him. Be honest with him.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by erwin1973 View Post
                            Well, first of all, if you know you are going to ask a question that he is going to give an answer at that you might not like, prepare yourself for the answer. Then just say 'thank you for your honesty, I like to think about how to respond' or something like that. Then he knows you are working on it, and you get his honesty.

                            Just a thought.
                            I've never tried this before. Thanks for the advice.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by truthisbetter View Post
                              It didn't start off this way until he starting being dishonest about things and me finding out about it, and it wasn't through me snooping at first.
                              Was he dishonest about anything else besides stuff involving his mother?

                              Relationship began: 05/22/2012
                              First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
                              Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
                              Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
                              Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
                              Married: 1/24/2015
                              Became Resident: 9/14/2015

                              Comment

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