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How to handle Xmas?

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    How to handle Xmas?

    Hi everyone, this is only my second post here so ...hi! I'm hoping someone can give me a little perspective about an issue that's bothering me. My SO lives in England and our son and I are in Canada. I've asked him to please come visit for a bit for Xmas (he's in school and about to have a break). I've offered to pay.The thing is: things are so so so awkwardly complicated between us, and have been for the last 6 months. I'm so unsure about the state of our relationship, since SO has cut off contact with us since July when he couldn't come home for a visit; instead of letting me know our plans had changed, he just stopped talking to us. Hello long-distance ghosting!

    I don't know what to believe about our future, but we do have a child together whom we both love desperately... I can't imagine he would choose to throw us away so heartlessly. My emotions swing all over the place on a daily basis. I try to be cognizant of the fact that he's dealing with overwhelming law school stress and is separated from his child, missing out on milestones etc. BUT it really feels and has felt that I'm the only one trying to keep us together, and I really don't know anything about his life or his mindset.

    Back to my original question... an Xmas visit. He hasn't responded to my invitation to visit, which I sent a few days ago. I happen to love Xmas and I'm worried that if he chooses to stay away and not be in contact, i.e., he chooses for this relationship to have an official ending because I've essentially decided that's what will happen, I will be forced to spend Xmas pretending to be okay and actually breaking inside. Our son is 4 and I've deliberately given him no expectations of seeing Daddy, even though we will be spending part of the holidays with my MIL. I keep picturing us spending Xmas together last year, and how supremely awesome it was. At that point we'd been separated only 3 months but picking him up at the airport was one of the most exciting times of my life. If this year is basically the most disappointing Xmas of my life, I'm worried that my son will pick up on my unhappiness or will himself be crushed that Daddy isn't a part of it.

    So confused and concerned. Any help would be very much appreciated.

    #2
    If he doesn't respond to the holiday invite, I wouldn't plan on him being there for the holidays. If he hasn't expressed any interest in being there for his son, then he is really an absent father who is not making any plans to see his son. I certainly would not be planning on any relationship with him since he is no contact.

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      #3
      Hello again! I agree with you, and actually my concern at this point is that I won't be able to make Xmas happy and exciting for our son on my own, while dealing with my own emotions since I'm expecting to feel pretty awful. It's an issue of surviving the holidays despite my own disappointment, vs planning to include someone who doesn't want to be included. Probably I didn't express this well in my post. I was trying to give background on the situation, since I had only one other post in the intro section... lol but thanks.

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        #4
        I'm sorry but school stress is no excuse. He is not only ignoring you, he is ignoring his own son. Yes, it propably sucks not being able to see his milestones but guess what, he is not gonna see them at all if he doesn't show up or communicate regularly. You guys need to ahve a serious talk about what is expected from long distance father. Wether or not you decide to continue together he needs to get his act together and act like a father.

        As for the Christmas. You need to keep it togeth for the sake of your son. He is not gonna miss having daddy there since he doesn't know he could be there. Only way he will have a crappy Christmas is if you let him have one. Have a nice tradtional dinner, go out to make a snowman, go ice skating and have a good time just the two of you (or with your family if they are there). Enjoy the fact that you have kid that you love and what's better than spend the holidays with someone you love.

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          #5
          Thanks Rezie. I've promised myself that I'll make Xmas all about my son. I've made every effort to not get his hopes up throughout this ordeal, and you're right that he won't miss what he doesn't expect to have. It is hard to accept that this kid who is my everything could mean so little to his other parent. Frankly I've received some much-needed words of wisdom today and I'm feeling more clear-headed about the whole thing, if not exactly happy.

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            #6
            Originally posted by JusCally View Post
            Frankly I've received some much-needed words of wisdom today and I'm feeling more clear-headed about the whole thing, if not exactly happy.
            Acceptance is the first step to healing. You've made great progress. I second what Rezie and HM Rambling said.
            Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

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