Communication and trust issues

[David8823]

Hey there. I have a few questions about LDR's and communication, and this seemed like an appropriate forum to post on. If this thread belongs somewhere else, please let me know and I'll see about requesting a move!

A while back, I met a girl through online dating. We had an instant connection. The next few weeks were honestly some of the best in my life. I had finally found a girl who I was genuinely happy to be with. Our relationship seemed absolutely perfect. We knew that we would run into issues eventually, but neither one of us wanted to think about that.

Unfortunately, the military moved me across the country. Our goodbye was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We both agreed that we had found something special in each other, so we agree to continue the relationship long-distance, even though neither of us has ever had a successful LDR.

Sure enough, the troubles came. We had 3 fights in a week. We both learned some new things about each other's social habits that we didn't like. We brushed those aside and reached compromises, and always made sure that we made up the same day. At the end of the day, we both still love each other, and none of the issues were deal breakers, so we continued texting, skyping, calling, etc. However, this week has been very different. I started working longer hours, and my shift moved so I am working afternoons and nights. We swapped schedules, and decided to talk when we could, even though it would be inconvenient some times.

First, she stopped texting me during the day. She used to text me every day, and it really is a huge morale boost to get back home and know that there is a text waiting for me. I told her that I missed them (twice!), but I still haven't received one on almost a week.

Second, she quit skyping me. Initially, we agreed that we would try to skype every other or every third day. I don't know about other LDR couples, but out skype conversations are usually 2-3+ hours long. This week, she has made excuses about not being able to skype. I understand that things come up, but when 4 dates fall through in a row, I start to wonder. To make it worse, she didn't even cancel on me for the last 2. I sat on the computer waiting for almost an hour before she texted me saying that she had to go to work. I reminded her about our date, and she just said we would talk later (when we're both at work?)

Lastly, we both get very jealous at times. We've been working on those, and it's gotten much better. We had a list of rules that we agreed on before I moved about what we were comfortable with the other doing. I already wasn't too excited about this, because I compromised a LOT more than she did when we were discussing it. This week alone, she openly admitted to crossing the lines 3 times. I trust this girl, but she is giving me every reason not to trust her anymore.

So I suppose I'm asking for advice. Are these problems that we can work through? If so, what can you suggest? Do we need to back off, maybe even take a break? Do I need to end the relationship? I love this girl deeply, but I don't want to be led on a wild goose chase if this relationship isn't going anywhere. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

[ThePiedPiper]

May I ask what the "crossed lines" are/were? Things can get complicated when you start making rules for one another because you aren't willing to work on your foundation. While it makes sense that two people who struggle with jealousy might make flirting a no-no, setting rules such as, say, not having any friends of the opposite sex or not hanging out with opposite friends one-on-one (not saying you set these rules, but using them as examples) could ultimately end up backfiring in the sense both parties end up feeling smothered and, in the end, nothing was worked through. The rule coddled the big issue into feeling better in the meantime but it didn't actually fix the problem and for things to work, the problem (both your trust issues) need to be fixed - especially in a LDR, where trust is huge. I would wonder if it's not the rules and behaviours you both are imposing on yourselves that are making her feel less willing to talk to you. Have you asked her about why she's backed off of Skype lately? And texting, too? If it's only been in this week that these things have been happening, maybe she really is busy with work. *shrug* If it's been ongoing for longer than that, then maybe there's something going on. The big things I foresee you two needing to work on are communication and trust and I mean really work on them, beyond setting rules for each other... If you don't work on both those things, this relationship is doomed to fail no matter how much you love each other.

[Hollandia]

Hey there. I have a few questions about LDR's and communication, and this seemed like an appropriate forum to post on. If this thread belongs somewhere else, please let me know and I'll see about requesting a move!

A while back, I met a girl through online dating. We had an instant connection. The next few weeks were honestly some of the best in my life. I had finally found a girl who I was genuinely happy to be with. Our relationship seemed absolutely perfect. We knew that we would run into issues eventually, but neither one of us wanted to think about that.

Unfortunately, the military moved me across the country. Our goodbye was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We both agreed that we had found something special in each other, so we agree to continue the relationship long-distance, even though neither of us has ever had a successful LDR.

Sure enough, the troubles came. We had 3 fights in a week. We both learned some new things about each other's social habits that we didn't like. We brushed those aside and reached compromises, and always made sure that we made up the same day. At the end of the day, we both still love each other, and none of the issues were deal breakers, so we continued texting, skyping, calling, etc. However, this week has been very different. I started working longer hours, and my shift moved so I am working afternoons and nights. We swapped schedules, and decided to talk when we could, even though it would be inconvenient some times.

First, she stopped texting me during the day. She used to text me every day, and it really is a huge morale boost to get back home and know that there is a text waiting for me. I told her that I missed them (twice!), but I still haven't received one on almost a week.

Second, she quit skyping me. Initially, we agreed that we would try to skype every other or every third day. I don't know about other LDR couples, but out skype conversations are usually 2-3+ hours long. This week, she has made excuses about not being able to skype. I understand that things come up, but when 4 dates fall through in a row, I start to wonder. To make it worse, she didn't even cancel on me for the last 2. I sat on the computer waiting for almost an hour before she texted me saying that she had to go to work. I reminded her about our date, and she just said we would talk later (when we're both at work?)

Lastly, we both get very jealous at times. We've been working on those, and it's gotten much better. We had a list of rules that we agreed on before I moved about what we were comfortable with the other doing. I already wasn't too excited about this, because I compromised a LOT more than she did when we were discussing it. This week alone, she openly admitted to crossing the lines 3 times. I trust this girl, but she is giving me every reason not to trust her anymore.

So I suppose I'm asking for advice. Are these problems that we can work through? If so, what can you suggest? Do we need to back off, maybe even take a break? Do I need to end the relationship? I love this girl deeply, but I don't want to be led on a wild goose chase if this relationship isn't going anywhere. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

I am concerned about the line crossing. How exactly did she cross a line?

In an LDR you have to have trust with each other or it will not work. If you feel like she is avoiding you or blowing you off, ask her. Don't make assumptions and let your mind wonder. Tell her what you told us and find out if there is some reason why she is now so much more unavailable to you. Open communication is also very important in a LDR.

If she does not have a legitimate reason for blowing off your dates, that is a problem and when you love someone you really should not be crossing lines with others or blowing off their dates. If she does have a good reason, like depression or trying to work extra to save money and visit you, then you can move forward with this knowledge.

My feeling so far from what is said is she is pulling back a bit and perhaps looking into other options. If my SO was doing that to me, I would talk to him about it as soon as possible. Don't torture yourself over worrying about it. It is just plain rude to make plans and repeatedly break them and that she did not even cancel for 2 of them is a very bad sign. She is not respecting your time and that is unfair to you.

[NerdyChick]

I agree with Hollandia, trust is something you have to have in an LDR, otherwise it will fail. And from what you've described above I agree that she is pulling away and possibly avoiding you, this is something you need to ask her about, you both need to know where the other stands especially on how committed you both are and whether you both are on the same level as far as the relationship is concerned. LDR's are difficult and it could be she's having doubts, but you never move forward in a relationship by moving away from your partner, you really need to confront this issue, not in a mean way, you just need to explain to her how her actions have been coming across lately, you need to know where she stands and if she's still on board with trying to make it work.