Is this a bad sign?

[Polly]

Ever since my SO and I have been long distance (dated in the same city for 7 months, then became long distance), I've noticed that for the past several months, my SO never takes initiative when it comes to thinking of, or planning for visits. I'm usually the one who brings up the topic. I'll say, "So when is the best time for me to visit you?". Or, I'll bring it up right away after I see him, because with plane tickets being so pricey, I find to get a good deal, it's best to book a month in advance, so I basically have to have the next visit planned and booked almost right after I just saw him. We try to visit once every two months for a few days.

My SO is a procrastinator and I see that as part of him never bringing it up, but then procrastinating on normal things like work or chores is one thing, which I am also guilty of, by when emotions are involved, when you are missing someone and want to spend time with them, especially when the time we have together is so short and spread out (we both get only 3 weeks vacation allowed from work in a whole year), it doesn't make sense to me why he is never eager to think about visits.

It makes me feel like I am missing him more, that I am more emotionally involved in the relationship than he is. Once, when I brought up the topic of me visiting him in two months, the week after I just visited him, he was a little annoyed and was like, "we just saw each other, why do you need to start planning the next visit now?" For me, I love him and want to see him, and it helps me emotionally knowing the next date we'll see each other. It gives me something to look forward to, to count down to, and plus, flights are cheaper if you book a month in advance.

I've told him this, and I think he doesn't get as annoyed, but it still hurts that I'm always the one so eager to visit each other, and he's all "we'll see each other when we see each other". He's so more laid back about it, but to me, to make a long-distance relationship work, a part of it is planning things out together, the logistics, the practical stuff. When you're dating short-distance, you can be more laid back, so frankly, it does hurt me, when he doesn't take as much initiative.

Am I being too sensitive, is there maybe more to this than I see?

[lordpsymon]

Sounds to me like he's not putting enough effort into it. An LDR requires effort from both parties in order to work. If I were in your situation, I'd not be terribly happy either. Might pay to talk to him and find out what's on his mind.

[snow]

You say ever since you have been long distance, how much time did you spend with each other before you went long distance? When you visit him, do you stay at his place for the whole visit? Maybe he needs his me-time.
Do you both take the time off from work when you visit? If that is the case, maybe he wants to save some of those days for other things, the holidays are coming.

[Polly]

You say ever since you have been long distance, how much time did you spend with each other before you went long distance? When you visit him, do you stay at his place for the whole visit? Maybe he needs his me-time.
Do you both take the time off from work when you visit? If that is the case, maybe he wants to save some of those days for other things, the holidays are coming.

Before we went long distance we spent an average of 2-3 dates a week together, often we spent a whole Sat or Sun, even some whole weekends together most weeks.

When I visit, I do stay at his place, and the visits are on average for only 4 days with a gap of two months between visits. I can understand if he wants to save some of his vacation time for "me time", but if we both did that, at 3 weeks of allowed vacation a year, minus days he or I would want for "me time", it would reduce our time for visits significantly. I am using all of my vacation time in order to visit him, and even then, it's not enough.

I think what this is, is my boyfriend likes planning his schedule how and when he wants to. He is a very independent person. But when we are a couple and we both have to manage our schedules to coordinate visits, it does involve planning and I feel like when I bring up the topic of planning for visits, he reacts in a very blase way, like it's not that important to plan. He's the type to just "let things happen". What I find works, is I try not to bring it up too soon after a visit, and explain that it would save money on flights if we think ahead.

It does make me feel uneasy and frustrated that I have to be so consciously strategic about this in order not to annoy him.
It would be so much easier for me if he came to it in a more enthusiastic, positive way, like we were working together and making it fun to plan visits.

[squeeker]

I think you have to have a conversation with him on why he is acting this way? Would he prefer a bit longer visits less often.. like maybe a week at a time 3 times a year? That way you can enjoy the time you do have together better because there is more time free. I know it's hard to transition from seeing and being with your SO all the time to being long distance again and maybe he doesn't want to think of it right away.. not that he doesn't love you. It doesn't have to be a bad sign. You just need to talk to him in a non threatening way, just calmly ask if he is okay with 2 months between visits and how long after a visit he would like to plan the next.. and then maybe if he is open to a discussion at the time, talk to him how you find it's best to book a flight at least a month in advance. Good luck!

[differentcountries]

It sounds like he has some reservations, but it is hard to tell why. Guys can easy stonewall when difficult emotions come up. My boyfriend was like this in the beginning. I think it was because he missed me and was trying not to be affected by it. We did 4 days every 2nd month in the beginning. Then I was able to make a deal with work to travel more often and for longer. He says he relaxes much more now that we see each other 8 days a month, he is not so sad to see me leave. He is much, much more eager now to know when I will be coming. I usually have the dates for next visit settled before I leave, that way he has the "control "of a set count down.

[Kapwned]

I think it's best to talk to him about it. But really, it could be nothing. I wouldn't go to dramatic conclusions.

My boyfriend was the same way... in a way. I think some people just get excited and eager more than others do. I know I am the type who gets excited for stuff very easily and when I'd get back from visiting him I was ready to start planning the next trip. He'd make a comment like "Wow, did someone enjoy their stay? You just got back and you're already booking tickets." But he never really initiated any visits. I brought it up to him because in my head I was planning things out like things we'd do together, dinners we could make together, etc. All the while he wasn't really verbal or noticeably excited about it. So eventually I asked him if he was sure it was okay that I came to visit because he wasn't saying much about it. He told me to just trust him. If he didn't want me to visit he'd say something. It's not that he wouldn't get excited it was just that his mind would focus in on it and get excited when the moment would come. But for the month leading up to the visit he was too preoccupied with other things to think on it and get excited. Unlike me, but I'm like that with everything. I just get in the mood for occasions and can get excited months in advanced and slowly plan things out.

Your SO may simply be less excitable but it doesn't mean he doesn't get excited.

[Polly]

Ok, I think I may be over-worrying. He's always happy when I visit, and his work does consume a lot of his time and stresses him out, so he isn't always focused on planning our visits. He's also less emotional than me in general.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Obviously i dont understand his view on this because i'm not him, but i may have an idea of what could be the problem. while reading your post 2 things came to mind so i'm just gonna say them.
my first thought was maybe he isn't so enthusiastic about looking at flights because he he doesn't want to spend money on a trip when he's just spent a lot on when you guys were together. like flights cost a lot of money and doing things together does as well. i mean sure it's a lovely thought to be able to book flights the day you get back but if i was in that situation i'd want a good month or so to recover and build up money from work before even thinking if booking my next trip.
the next thing being that maybe although he does enjoy spending time with you, a couple of days just isn't enough for him. when i visited my SO i discovered that a week was no way long enough so a couple of days would been a nightmare. like a poster before me said, maybe it would be better to have like 3 trips a year for a week at a time and maybe that'll make him feel better about it.
obviously this is just my opinion and what came into my head while reading your post so don't take this too seriously because i could just be talking utter crap here lol :3

[differentcountries]

Regardless of how he feels about it, the fact remains: in order for you to see each other, you have to plan and book visits. It would be nice if you could do it randomly, but you have a job that needs notice unless you will loose it, and plane tickets usually can't be bought the same day exept for at an enormous cost. My SO is also the kind of impulsive guy who prefers to "let things happen", but no tickets ever ordered themselves. LD couples simply can't afford to wing things, so he might benifit from changing his perspective.

You might ask him if he prefers to have the visits in longer stretches, or agree to try out different things to see how they work out.

If you use credit cards to buy the ticket you can book before you can afford it, I find I usually save money that way, rather than saving up all the while all the tickets get more expensive.