Complicated, confused and sad :(

[Nuna]

Hi everyone!

I'm from Germany and my SO is from Japan. And I'm sorry or the following long post...

I'm kind of in an half-LDR with my SO now. We aren't oficially in an relationship and I don't now if we will be.

We met last January online at an online-dating-side, wrote continously (only writing --> no skyping, calling or exchange of pictures) till September. In September I was in Japan and we kind of had a blind-date in Tokyo (he was showing me around the in the city, eating out, he brought me to the airport...). We had a good few days together and we just hit it off. But we decided for us for friendship first (relationship was us to risky and we needed time to think about it).

After I went home again, we intensified our communication. At the moment we have a rough time together, because he is busy with his current job and his move to an other country in February. He knows, that I love him and want to be an an relationship with him, but he is insecure if he wants to commit and a LDR (it's a first with an LDR for both of us, and it would be a LDR for minimum 4 yrs...). He kind of feels pressured to decide because of me, but we talked about it and I could assure him, that I don't want to pressure him to a decision, and he should take as much time as he needs to think about it.
I'm confused over how our relationship will develop. I love him and I don't want to loose him, but I don't want to push him to a decision he will regret.

He will visit me (and other friends in Europe) beginning of January (before he moves in February) and then we will discuss things out.
The problem is, that we probably wont be able to see each other another time next year and that makes us both sad.

I'm just confused and sad at the moment, but also overjoyed, that I will be able to see him next month.

Any good advice?


PS: I'm so sorry, for my bad english...

[Petals]

Hi,

The answers to the following questions will help to shine more light on your situation:

How old is he? Have you had sex with him? Is he still on dating sites? Why would it take 4 yrs to close the distance?

[Nuna]

Hi Petals!
Thanks for the answer and sorry, if I wasn't accurate enough.

To your questions:
He is 36 yrs old. And we think 8 yrs agedifference isn't much (it's still ok). No, he isn't active on the dating-site we met anymore.
And no, we havn't had sex. We only had a film like scene at the airport with kisses at the end (but the night before my departure, we agreed to start as friends and look what happens. And after my arrivel in Germany we were both confused what to to now..).
It will at least take 4 years, because he will move to Vietnam in Fabruary and will stay there minimin 3 years. After that he will probably go back to Japan. I just started to study again and it I will need minimum 4 yrs for my bachelors degree. If I want to do the master it would be 6 years.

[R&R]

I would suggest currently keeping it going as a friendship. You have told him how you feel and now it's up to him to decide. You stated he feels pressured to decide - do you bring up moving the relationship to a bf/gf situation often? Personally, I would tell him that you've stated how you feel, that the option is his and that you won't bring it up again. Sometimes just taking that pressure off allows someone to really think through what they want.

[Nuna]

Hey R&R!

I said it only once (the bf/gf-thing) to him while I was down with a cold and emotionally unstable. He wrote me before that he would work on another project and would have less time to communicate with me (and at the moment he already doesn't have much time/energy for communication). Well..., and then it happend... I just wrote him my concerns regardng the decreasing communication and blurted the I like you- (he knew that already) and relationship thing out (via e-mail).
I did exactly what you wrote and explained everything a little bit more. He apologized and said he was overreacting. He even thanked me for handling his mail calm and maturely.
Today during our call he apologized for his mail again. But it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth...
It was clear from the beginning, that we would finally discuss this matter regarding us, when we see each other again next year and then make the final decision.
(But sometimes, in weak moments, I'm stupid and impatient...)

[Petals]

Hi Petals!
Thanks for the answer and sorry, if I wasn't accurate enough.

To your questions:
He is 36 yrs old. And we think 8 yrs agedifference isn't much (it's still ok). No, he isn't active on the dating-site we met anymore.
And no, we havn't had sex. We only had a film like scene at the airport with kisses at the end (but the night before my departure, we agreed to start as friends and look what happens. And after my arrivel in Germany we were both confused what to to now..).
It will at least take 4 years, because he will move to Vietnam in Fabruary and will stay there minimin 3 years. After that he will probably go back to Japan. I just started to study again and it I will need minimum 4 yrs for my bachelors degree. If I want to do the master it would be 6 years.

Thanks for answering the questions.

A LDR relationship is very difficult as you know and both persons should be willing to commit to it fully for it to work. Personally speaking, it is usually 'safer' for the female when the male is eager to pursue such a LDR because it gives the indication that his hunt is over and he sees you as special enough to sacrifice his needs (especially sexual). Of course women have sexual needs too, but generally we can deal with our own sexual gratification easier - men use sex to bond and to keep that connection.

With the above said, I think you should concentrate on being really good friends for now, at least until the next year is behind you, since you won't be able to see each other. If he's not eager to start a LDR with you I foresee an entire year without visits being fraught with problems. Make peace with the idea of being friends with this guy for the foreseeable future. It doesn't seems like he's in any rush to settle down neither so he'll likely be available when the timing is better for the both of you.

Concentrate on your studies and improving your life. If a better suited match for you comes along - pursue him. Never settle for the man who doesn't see it necessary to move mountains to be with you - distance or no distance.

[Nuna]

Thanks for answering the questions.

A LDR relationship is very difficult as you know and both persons should be willing to commit to it fully for it to work. Personally speaking, it is usually 'safer' for the female when the male is eager to pursue such a LDR because it gives the indication that his hunt is over and he sees you as special enough to sacrifice his needs (especially sexual). Of course women have sexual needs too, but generally we can deal with our own sexual gratification easier - men use sex to bond and to keep that connection.

What's confusing me the most at the moment is, that he acts different then before. From September till end of November he was more caring, he even wrote me before that he likes me a lot. But since end of November his shedule is crazy. Normally he works 12 hrs a day with 1 hour to and from work. At that time he was already so tired after work that he would only go to the gym or running and write me/have a call with me (weekdays) and go out with friends and write me/skype with me (on weekends) to relieve his stress. But now with his other projekt, other crazy social responsibilitys (december can be really crazy in Japan) and his moving, he is so busy, that he doesn't have the time to do sports (that he really values) and to stay that much in contact with me (he said before, that he loves it to have a call with me, that it relieves his stess and refreshes him...).
He even thought about moving to Europe after his stay in Vietnam. (Because it would be more convenient for me).
Is it maybe just the stress, that made the situation between us at the moment so awkward and let him write those uncertain words? Who knows. I'll see how he behaves after he has not that much stress anymore.

With the above said, I think you should concentrate on being really good friends for now, at least until the next year is behind you, since you won't be able to see each other. If he's not eager to start a LDR with you I foresee an entire year without visits being fraught with problems. Make peace with the idea of being friends with this guy for the foreseeable future. It doesn't seems like he's in any rush to settle down neither so he'll likely be available when the timing is better for the both of you.

Concentrate on your studies and improving your life. If a better suited match for you comes along - pursue him. Never settle for the man who doesn't see it necessary to move mountains to be with you - distance or no distance.

I'll see how it works between us, when he leaves his company and doesn't have that much stress and social responsibilities anymore.
But if it is still like it is now, I wont pursue a relationship with him.

I would never (again...) let a man be the reason not to concentrate on my studies or to life my life to the fullest. I did that before, but I just moved to another city, found new friends, have a great social life and new hobbys here.

[Petals]

What's confusing me the most at the moment is, that he acts different then before. From September till end of November he was more caring, he even wrote me before that he likes me a lot. But since end of November his shedule is crazy. Normally he works 12 hrs a day with 1 hour to and from work. At that time he was already so tired after work that he would only go to the gym or running and write me/have a call with me (weekdays) and go out with friends and write me/skype with me (on weekends) to relieve his stress. But now with his other projekt, other crazy social responsibilitys (december can be really crazy in Japan) and his moving, he is so busy, that he doesn't have the time to do sports (that he really values) and to stay that much in contact with me (he said before, that he loves it to have a call with me, that it relieves his stess and refreshes him...).
He even thought about moving to Europe after his stay in Vietnam. (Because it would be more convenient for me).
Is it maybe just the stress, that made the situation between us at the moment so awkward and let him write those uncertain words? Who knows. I'll see how he behaves after he has not that much stress anymore.

Well. you know that this time of the year is crazy for him so just hang in there until the new year when he visits. That's only 3 weeks away.

[Nuna]

Sorry for the late reply petals, I had unfotunetely problems with my internet-connection...

We (my SO and me) had a nice and long skype-call today and he was more relaxed and cheerful (he stopped working for his company last friday). I'm so relieved...
When he comes to Europe next month, we will meet up in Paris, stay there a few days together, and then he is coming with me to my city.

I'll see what happens in January. I wont let my hopes get up. I'll just go with the flow and enjoy the time together with him.


And thanks for all the kind advices everbody! I really like this community!

[Nuna]

UPDATE!

Hey everybody!

Here's an little update, because my SO and I just met and talked things out. A lot of things...
Now he is back in Japan and I'm alone again in my flat...

We have both feelings for each other, but he is still on an other 'level' as me and needs time to see, if they grow stronger or fade away over the distance and the time. (And he didn't like skipping the phase of just friendship...)
He admitted that he wasn't fair towards me the last month regarding our communication and his behaviour towads me. He didn' behave like he should have (he has his reasons...).
He gave me the option of starting as friends again, but this time being honest with me, to get to know each other slowly better and to see how it works out.

I'm not shure if I can handle this 'just friends again' thing. I don't know, if I'm strong enough for it, because my feelings grew the last days quite deep...
I'm afraid that it will hurt me more, when we start anew and I get maybe my hopes up over time again and he says at the end 'NO'..., then just cutting it of at this point.
But... I don't want to loose him...


Haaaah...., it's still so complicated...
I'm sorry for rambeling on, I'm just down at the moment...

[Hollandia]

I'm not a big fan of starting over just as friends or wait and see. If he needs to wait and see, he is just not that into you. Don't settle, be buddies and keep it that way. Move on and find someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Let him know that too, no mind games, he lost his chance. You deserve better.

[p_b82]

I agree with Hollandia here on this one.

It sounds like he wants to hedge his bets a bit here, and keep you hanging.

It is one thing to take a step back, slow things down and stay committed, and another to keep you on tenter hooks on the off chance that he decides he wants a relationship with you again. Only you can decide on how long you can wait, but I would not wait for long for that sort of decision to be made if it were me...

[Nuna]

Thank's you two. Thank's for encouraging me. You are right.

It's definetly over with us. He wrote me a farewell-mail. We won't stay in contact.
During our time together he was sweet and all to me, but I just feel used now...

It's probably the best solution.

[The_gentle_Hart]

*virtual hugs*
I'm so sorry Nuna. You deserve so much better.

[differentcountries]

I know it is bad, but it is better than drag it out. At least you are not spending years, he cut you loose quite early. Time is the healer.