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Struggling with the reality of a LDR!

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    Struggling with the reality of a LDR!

    Hi all. This is my first post, so I apologise for the length. I've tried to keep it as brief as possible (believe it or not), but still, feel free to go straight to the last few paragraphs if you don't need the background info. Thank you in advance!

    My partner has been gone for three weeks today and I'm already finding this relationship taxing! It's not that I'm not serious about it, we've spoken about marriage, and when he was with me we were completely loved up. He lived with me for four months prior to him leaving, and it was mostly clear sailing, but now cracks have formed.

    I knew that he had always wanted to leave the UK, and planned on doing so on the completion of his degree, so I had always known it was coming! But, unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier to live with.

    I apologise in advance if this comes across as a venting thread, I really just want to know from you seasoned professionals if how I'm feeling is justified or just plain wrong.

    So like I said, I knew he would be leaving the country from the very beginning of the relationship. He was very against us even having a relationship from the start as he knew it'd complicate his emigration, which in itself was difficult to overcome, but we did. The few months we lived together were really quite good, just a run-of-the-mill partnership. We loved each other.

    When the leaving date began drawing closer, he started telling me that he was regretting his decision to leave, but now that he had a job lined up and plane tickets already bought, there was no going back. I think I tried to block this out completely, as it didn't really dawn on me that he wasn't there until about two days after he had left!

    We've been speaking everyday since, on Skype, Whatsapp etc, which is fine, but the only way I can describe it is like a dilute version of our relationship before he left. I find myself getting tired of talking to a computer or writing out messages. This is where the time difference becomes annoying. I'm studying now, and he's working, so neither of us can really afford to lose sleep, yet I have found myself staying up until the early hours of the morning just to talk to him. Needless to say, my attention at uni does wane on these days, but still he won't stay up for me.

    For the first few weeks he would tell me each time that living abroad is not at all how he had imagined, that he was missing me too much, and that he wouldn't renew is contract and come back in a few months. Obviously I didn't believe this, I'm sure everyone has those feelings when they move across oceans.

    He has now started to put down roots. He had no friends out there, so I suggested using Grindr to find locals. Something I massively regret. Now I'm not usually a jealous person, I never have been. But the first person he has decided to meet is a 23 y/o college guy. From my perspective, that's a huge blow to my security! Mainly because if I was in that position, I would look for a friend that I wouldn't/couldn't be physically attracted to! Like a female or (for me) an older man. I understand that this is my problem, and he can be friends with whoever he chooses, but I don't think I would ever be that disrespectful to my partner.

    He has also spoken about taking driving lessons to get accustom to driving on the other side of the road. Which is fine, but I'll expand a little in a moment. We've spoken about when we'll see each other next. Christmas was suggested, and then discounted as if he was coming back soon, it's a bit of a waste of money. Now, apparently, Christmas is back on the cards and another visit in February.

    These are not the actions of someone that'll be returning in a few months! And while I didn't believe him in the first place, I can't help but feel upset that he'd build me up only to knock me down again.


    I have found myself questioning our relationship. I get annoyed at talking with him because it doesn't feel real. His actions and choices upset me. And honestly, I'm so angry that he actually left me! As I'm sure many people are, I am the child of a single parent, so I know how it feels to be dropped by someone that's supposed to love you. I can't help but compare this experience with those emotions. The worst bit is, it has happened now and there's no going back from this, even if he was to come back. So I'm terrified that our relationship will be so vastly different when we are finally together that it wouldn't even be worth carrying on with the LDR.

    I thought I could cope with this. I thought our love would be enough to get me through, but now I'm not so sure.

    I would love to know what other people think of this, am I just getting accustom to this distance, am I being childish, or are the cracks too deep?

    #2
    I am not sure why befriending a 23 year old guy is offensive or disrespectful, especially since he found this guy through a mean suggested by you. If you only want him to befriend very old people that does limit his friend pool.

    Also, I am unsure why planning more visits should upset you. Most people in LDRs are offended because visits are NOT planned.

    It does sound like you need to have real talk about how long his job will last and what your long term plans will be. would you consider living abroad, too? Would he be happy to return in a few years?
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      You are angry at him. You are also scared that he will change. It seems to me that YOU are building walls and placing blocks in your relationship.
      Is it because you are upset? Because you think he wont come back ( even though he obviously wants too), because he is putting down roots???
      What was the plan for him after he left? Were you supposed to go to him or was he coming back?

      Sit down and write it out in black and white. Figure out what it is you really want and what you will do to get there.

      Always remember to communicate with him as well..

      Comment


        #4
        Thank you both for the replies!

        Honestly, I'm just slightly jealous of the guy he has befriended. In reality this shouldn't be an issue, and I understand that it's my problem. I'm offended that he doesn't seem to care that I'm not happy about the situation. Like I said, I just wouldn't put him in the position he has put me in, but it has happened and in all seriousness it isn't really a problem. I will let that go, I'm just being difficult.

        I know it's absurd to be upset by the frequent visits (insane might be another word!) but the reason I'm upset is because his current contract ends in January, so to plan a visit in February is saying to me that he won't be coming back any time soon. That isn't what he is actually saying to me though. His actions go against his words.

        I am supposed to join him out there once I have finished my degree and masters (in 5 years time). I have no problem with that, and even spoke about the type of house we'll get together and local areas etc. but unfortunately the reality of 5 years being in a relationship but alone at the same time is really messing with my emotions.

        Posting on here has been quite cathartic, and reading over what I have said has made me realise an awful lot. I am building walls and keeping him out, there's no doubt about it.

        I now know that I am punishing him in a way, and it's coming from a part of me I'm not used to. I guess I think he has been too selfish; why should he get to leave me, live his dream life without me, and then just pick everything back up again in the future. In my opinion, a relationship is a 50/50 split, one person can't always get what they want, and it sure feels to me that he is getting everything whilst I'm left waiting.

        Takk så mye!/Thanks so much!

        Comment


          #5
          It's understandable, but not the best way to start a LDR. I am glad you do see some of your actions clearly.
          I do see how you would be jealous of his new friend. It's someone there where you want to be and can't be.
          Have you spoken to him about the timing and renewing his contract? Clearing the air and getting answers should help both of you. Also, in a relationship it's 60/40. Each partner should be giving 60.
          I wish the best for you both.

          Comment


            #6
            I can sympathies with your current situation in terms of finding it hard, personally I wouldn't have suggested Grindr for my boyfriend to find friends, I would have suggested making friends at work or perhaps finding some mutual interest group on FB for example, but I'm guessing he is more inclined to having gay friends rather than straight ones.

            I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years on sunday 6th March (2 days away!) We met at uni in Wales, I was 2 years above him so ofc I graduated and he stayed at university (keep in mind, we both did modern language degrees and were in the same school within the university so spent a lot of our free time in our study halls and helping each other with work because we even studied the same languages) all in all, from when we began dating Feb 2012, up until I finished my degree in June 2012, the most we had spent apart was 10 days when (I went on a holiday to NY with my parents). We pretty much lived together (he would stay at my student house every other night and the nights he was not at mine, I was at his - except when I had assigments to do, We would spend the night alone, and even that failed as well sometimes)
            When at uni, this period of time felt blissful and eternal. We knew I was graduating and he was going off to spend a year living in Spain and Belgium (6 months in each) but we decided that we wanted to stick it out. I went to see him twice, once in Spain and once in Belgium for a few days, I was at this point a poor newly graduate trying to land a job, earn money wherever I could find it and trying to figure out what I wanted out of my life. All well and good, he came back eventually and I moved for a while to London and he returned to Wales, we found it hard to make time to see each other because of our commitments, we then moved back close-ish to each other but still both working full time and sneaking around because he is not out to his parents (and has no intention on doing so and I personally don't want to force him to do it either). He has since moved back to wales to go to university and follow his MA, we are only about 4hrs away on train. I have seen him once since he moved to Wales, this was nearly 5 months ago. He says he is really busy to try and fit me in and apparently because he's always busy he hardly even has time to talk to me. I don't particularly know how I've managed to stay sane this long, having spent most of this 4 years relationship in a long distance with someone who isn't all that great at communicating and tends to need his ears pulled here and there.
            Yes, sometimes I do feel like I am missing the chance of meeting someone closer to home that perhaps will offer me similar qualities but has the extras that my current boyfriend doesn't have, but I guess when you're in love, well it makes you do the impossible. so hang in there, from what you've described it somewhat sounds like you're easing your way into the ldr, yes some ldr relationships are different to others, but it won't ever be the same being next to them or staring at them/listening to their voice. The thing you have to question yourself is whether you find it comforting and loving that you're still keeping contact even though he is far far away. Trust me, I love my boyfriend deeply but I do feel like my love triples the times I have seen him because he is right there in front of me and we can have a prolonged conversation and physically be together, as though no time has passed at all.
            the questions and emotions you're feeling are understandable but only you'd be able to answer them yourself. Do you think that you're better off being with someone closer to home who you think would be able to give you the same feelings this guy can, why do you believe it would be different? perhaps it might be a bit weird seeing him all the time again after a while (at least I think it would be in my case, the longest I've seen my boy since we started this ldr is 5 days in a row) but you take the visits as trials in my opinion. If you were to give it a chance but still question whether it would be the same once you're together finally without a distance, see how you 2 get on when you're together on visits, that will give you a slight idea, you will know straight away if things have changed, I've noticed changes in him and me every time we've seen each other, but in my opinion is taking those changes in and seeing whether they are changes I can take in and work with. Anyway, sorry for the rambling. I hope I've given you some slight idea what you should be looking out for and an insight on a different sort of relationship which, despite sounding extremely dysfunctional and something that a lot of people think should have ended looooooonnnnngggggg ago is somehow still happening after 4 years. All the best bud

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              #7
              You have to trust your SO long distance isn't by any means easy your mind can sometimes be your worst enemy in the way you can get into over thinking but you just have to sit down and sort through your thoughts and block out the negative and irrational ones

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