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Erectile dysfunction after being away

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    30+ Erectile dysfunction after being away

    I'm so glad to have found this place. I'm hoping there is someone here that has experienced a similar situation and can offer up any advice.

    My husband and I have been together 23 years and married 20. After 24 years in the military he retired and took a job in Saudi Arabia. He just left after Christmas to begin his third year there and only comes home for one month each year.

    Our relationship has always been strong and I never doubted we could do this for a time. Until his last visit home. He has always worked hard to make his family happy and has always been very attentive to me. But something was very very off this time. He was very affectionate and tried hard to make me feel loved but on some level I felt like he was distant.

    On his first night home things in bed didn't go well and it didn't work. He said he was just nervous and anxious. No big deal and we moved on. After a couple of days and him getting settled we tried again, but again nothing at all. I was upset and he rolled over and went to sleep.

    The whole month went this way and I just became more and more upset. So many things in my head; I'm losing him because of this job, we've been apart too long, he's not attracted to me anymore...
    You know the things that go through a woman's head.

    At some point early on in the visit after another failed attempt he said he thought it was the porn he was watching while away to take care of his needs. A quick search on google and I find porn is a major major problem in a mans brain and it actually causes ED. It's all he has all year away and it has done so much damage.

    All that said, his visit was very stressful for both of us with me sure I was losing him and him angry with himself and not knowing how to fix it. We talked a lot and cried a lot but didn't know what to do about it. I prayed we would end the visit on a happy note but his last night ended in tears and me on the couch.

    After the first two years being fine with this LDR I now feel so desperate to have him back home because I think we're in trouble and how can we fix it with him gone. We have text only, no skype or FaceTime work in Saudi and I feel like if this much damage is done now, how bad is it going to be after yet another year. Unfortunately for financial reasons it just isn't possible right now for him to come home but I am a mess right now and don't know how I'm going to make it through this year.

    If anyone has experience with this, I love some words of wisdom.

    #2
    Maybe hes just getting old, he should go to see a doc. Doesn't necessarily have anything to do with porn

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      #3
      Nope, it works for porn but not for me or if he tries in the shower by himself. Only if he watches the porn.

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        #4
        He needs to desensitize from porn. It really isn't as uncommon as a problem as you think. His brain and body have been rewired to respond to porn vs self and real life. There are ways to change this, but I would recommend a dr. Just for the support for you both. So as much as this hurts, it is NOT because of you.
        Last edited by sasad; January 9, 2017, 06:09 AM.

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          #5
          Thank you sasad.
          We've done some reading and for now he's said he will stop watching it immediately to desensitize himeself and get counseling if he can't do it on his own. We have always talked every morning and every night and are adding some things to make sure we feel very connected. He just last night figured out how to get the FB calling to work so now we can actually hear each other's voices. I am sending him more pictures of things that go on in mine and the kids days and he listens when I am having a bad day and need to talk about it.

          In my head I think I know it isn't me and I don't fault him for using the porn at all, a year is a long time but I can not snap out of the funk this has put me in. I cry all the time, I have barely eaten since this all started, I can't sleep and I can't concentrate on anything. I'm obsessed with how I look now and the only thing I can manage to keep my brain occupied with is how good I can manage to look when he gets back even though in my head I know that's not the answer.

          I just feel desperate to have him home and have our lives back.

          He is going to look for jobs here but always has problems because of course they want interviews but he can't go to them because he's there. I just need an end plan for all of this. I'm usually a very strong person but don't feel like I am right now.

          Just hoping that finding a place to talk about it where other people understand what we're going through can help me to get my head back on straight because right now I don't feel in any way capable of making it through the whole year this way.

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            #6
            I know how hard it is and how we, as women anyways, tend to blame ourselves for not having the perfect porn star bodies. It's hard to feel good about yourself when inevitably you think it's you. I so get that.

            I am glad you both are working on stuff together. Time to learn how to be best friends again and let the other stuff follow.

            As hard as it is, you need to know it's not you. And that you are a good and beautiful person and that you both are doing this together.

            I wish you all the best.

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