I'm dating a man with depression. Please hear me out

[Fudgee]

This will be a long post so if you have time to waste then bear with me.
I'm actually crying right now while typing this.

Anyways its been a while now here in LFAD. I'm writing this to share my current story and maybe someone can help me or just listen to me.

So I met this guy online December 2012, he was 18(high school grad) and I was 22(college grad and a single mom).
Our online romance continued for 2 years and 4 months before we met in person.
He joined the navy because of me so that he can earn money and see me in person. His 1st visit was April 2015, 2nd August 2015, 3rd March 2016, 4th August 2016(got engaged with him) and his last visit was November 2016.
Before I continue a quick background about us. He is now 23 yrs old half filipino half english, he is an introvert, but very sweet and romantic. He's a nerd, very blunt, sarcastic, funny and got along well with my now 7 yrs old son. He's been suffering depression in his early teens but he said everything changed when he met me and we're together.
About me now I'm now 26 yrs old and my son is 7. I think I am very sweet, he said he finds me adorable. And I'm the opposite of him I'm and extrovert and very outgoing. Although I'm a cry baby and very emotional. As the older one I'm still childish and easily connects with him.

So here! Everything is just perfect last year. Imagine he visited me 3 TIMES! The 2nd visit was the best coz we went to this holiday at a beautiful island and he proposed to me there August 23, 2016. He got another holiday last year and went to visit me November-December 2016. Everything is great although we were already planning to get a fiance visa. He was preparing money for it and saving since I'll be doing it with my son.
To interrupt this our let me clear our financial status. I've worked for a year but then returned to my hometown to work here and look after my soon. I've been unemployed for 3 years now. I live with my parents and we have a family business although my mother is the sole manager of it I help by driving her sometimes. So the reason I can't work is because I have a 7 yr old son to and 13 yrs old brother with autism. We have no household helper and my mom cant drive. So my role/work here is like a personal maid and driver to the 2 kids. My father works abroad and goes home 3-4 times a year. And my brothers already have their own family. So basically it's just me and my mother, brother and my son.
To continue he has been sending and providing me money to save for our visa. He sometimes sends extra(i didnt ask) for myself. I don't spend money on my son since our family business and my dads is covering my sons and brothers school tuition.
Anyways I have to be honest here, I'm not very materialistic and I rarely go shopping. But he the one who likes to send me gifts and money if I want something. I do ask sometimes but those gifts are usually given on occasions like birthday, christmas and anniversaries.

So now everything was just like perfect and happy. We inquired for a visa assistance and were advised that maybe we could do spouse visa coz its the same rate and lesser process than fiance. NOw his family are coming over here in my country for a holiday. So we planned a wedding for that. The first plan was to have a small reception just my family and his family to this city. I considered it so that I won't have to invite family/friends in my hometown. But then that was just a start of the planning. Later on we decided to do a proper wedding instead. I asked him if it's okay and I was honest to tell him that I prefer coz I want to wear a wedding gown(every girls dream right?)
He agreed with me and we planned the budget for it. So the planning were great I have paid for the venue downpayment which is non refundable. And we have booked for my IELTS exam next week in this city(1hr plane ride from me).
The wedding well he thought it has gone bigger although I was still on track with out budget. And he the visa fees of mine and my son is almost as equal as the wedding budget.

Here! He cleared it wasn't just the money issue.
Last week he messaged me since we can't voice/video call coz its banned in the current country he is working. FYI I have ZERO clue here. Mid february he was having issues coz his dark/suicidal thoughts were coming back. It's scary for my part coz he's away and at work. The navy must have been a big impact on this. So last week he messaged me and he was kinda unsure when I brought up the topic about the wedding rings. He then said he has problems with his salary coz the work seemed to cut it in half with no known reason.
Anyways he's been really down lately and the dark thoughts are just destroying him. I couldn't do much but just tell him through message tha I'm here for him. Until he said he don't want the wedding anymore and the issue isn't me and it's him. I now understand after seeking advice from a friend who has gone through depression as well. His brain is telling him to stay away from me and he feels like he is a burden for me. Although from his heart he knows he loves me. Now before that he actually sugar coated and said that he doesn't love me that much. It started during his last visit Nov-Dec 2016. He said the spark has faded but isn't gone. Afterwards I was crying ofcourse its just painful because I have no idea whats happening and I cant understand and accept what he is asking. He apologized and said he should have said it earlier since we planned the wedding already and a few people knows about it.
Well now I don't care about the wedding anymore, I don't want to lose him. I'm trying to understand where he is coming from. But my fears of him loving me less has made me anxious and sleepless nights. I'm so emotionally drained right now and never a day I haven't cried since. I'm overthinking and can't help it. My only outlet with this painful feeling is crying. I have lost weight since I stopped going to gym for 2 weeks(he's not the reason, I need it stop for medical reason). Now I feel weak and trying to recover from it and has returned to the gym since its like my own therapy and releases the tension.

So that night where he tried the break up with me was one of the worse. He said he needs some time and be away from me. I myself wasn't thinking right and didn't let him go. I said I won't give up on us and that I'll always be here. He said he was working so hard to keep me and my son happy. While throughout he is unhappy. He was gathering himself on how to tell me about it. And he said if he stays with me he might die(literally). So everything escalated until I harmed myself and he ended up staying with me he said. But he just feels empty/hollow. After a few mins he told he is under suicide watch by his boss and crewmates. Because he cut his right arm. His boss let him rest since they will go sailing the next day. 5 fcking days of sailing and he said he may not get much good signal. During his sail I was able to reach out to his dad and he was there to comfort me. Although my brain right is still unstable and I often get breakdowns in public places.

As of now we have been messaging alot. And he said he will come in July this year to talk to me face to face and he said his mind is saying to leave me but his heart knows he loves me. He does warn me that if there are situations that he won't want to do something it's not my fault and just let him be. He said he wanted this to work and ofcourse I feel the same. He said his situation is still the same but our relationship is not 100% but we're getting better.

Right now I'm still suffering from anxiety and breakdowns. I share my feelings with him and he's aware of it. But yeah I have high hopes that we will workout.
I've recently researched about dating someone with depression and all the articles just described our situation. It's unbelievable how depression can change one person. He seems to be a different person sometimes but I have to tell myself that he's still in there and he is just fighting this dark cloud around him.

I don't what to add here anymore but thanks for taking the time to read. I'm open to advises and maybe some lecture from you guys.
This is just how honest and open I can be.

[Taki]

Hugs. I'm really sorry for what you've been going through

At the same time, I really do feel sorry for him too and I wonder if you fully understand where he's coming from APART from the depression. I'm sorry if this may seem harsh, but it seems to me like you just want to place all the blame on his "depression" and not see the burden you and your family have placed on him. Maybe the fact that he feels like the spark has gone is not even because of his depression but because there's such a huge burden placed squarely on his shoulders in providing for you. It's bound to wear anyone down.

Let's recap:

* You don't work and have no income of your own (sad situation with autistic brother etc but at the end of the day YOUR brother is not your fiance's direct responsibility. It's really not his problem to solve that you can't work because of your brother- all that's relevant from his side is that you don't work at all and he has to provide everything)

*He's the one saving money for you going over to the UK. Not just you, but your son too. Ideally this expense should be shouldered jointly.

*He's the one spending for the wedding. Earlier it was going to be a small wedding that he was going to pay for but then you wanted to make it bigger because "it's a girl's dream"?? Sorry but I find that incredibly selfish. If I have a dream I work for it. I don't expect someone else to pay for it just because it's my dream. So now even for the bigger wedding, he's the ONLY one spending.

I don't know you at all so it's hard to say if you're selfish in general but atleast from this post what I can say is, what you've written in this post is very self involved. Please try to truly see it from his side instead of conveniently blaming his depression for all things. A relationship is about being PARTNERS in life and sharing life's burdens.

Again, sorry with the somewhat harsh reply. But I honestly do hope you'll snap out of it to see what it looks like to a third person looking into your issue from what you've said in this post.

[Fudgee]

Hugs. I'm really sorry for what you've been going through

At the same time, I really do feel sorry for him too and I wonder if you fully understand where he's coming from APART from the depression. I'm sorry if this may seem harsh, but it seems to me like you just want to place all the blame on his "depression" and not see the burden you and your family have placed on him. Maybe the fact that he feels like the spark has gone is not even because of his depression but because there's such a huge burden placed squarely on his shoulders in providing for you. It's bound to wear anyone down.

Let's recap:

* You don't work and have no income of your own (sad situation with autistic brother etc but at the end of the day YOUR brother is not your fiance's direct responsibility. It's really not his problem to solve that you can't work because of your brother- all that's relevant from his side is that you don't work at all and he has to provide everything)

*He's the one saving money for you going over to the UK. Not just you, but your son too. Ideally this expense should be shouldered jointly.

*He's the one spending for your wedding. Earlier it was going to be a small wedding that he was going to pay for but then you wanted to make it bigger because "it's a girl's dream"?? Sorry but I find that incredibly selfish. If I have a dream I work for it. I don't expect someone else to pay for it just because it's my dream. So now even for the bigger wedding, he's the one spending.

I don't know you at all so it's hard to say if you're selfish in general but atleast from this post what I can say is, what you've written in this post is very self involved. Please try to truly see it from his side instead of conveniently blaming his depression for all things. A relationship is about being PARTNERS in life and sharing life's burdens.

Again, sorry with the somewhat harsh reply. But I honestly do hope you'll snap out of it to see what it looks like to a third person looking into your issue from what you've said in this post.

Thank you for that! It may hurt me but some of what you said is true.
First off, my family isn't rich and not poor either. My family's business keeps us going through.
My brother with autism is under no responsibility of him. Since our culture is very family oriented we usually don't really move out of the house until we have a family. This is funny but some even live together with in laws or in a compound. Anyways I chose to not work to look after my 7 yrs old son and my brother. Honestly for me it's because we couldn't look for any house helper. So it looks like my work is like a house mom. I help here at home since mother is always out to run the business. And I didn't choose to work so that everytime he comes to visit I won't have to file like a month long leave or resign in my job. My family supports each other. The only money he sents me goes towards the savings for the visa. Extras are from him and I don't ask.

And I forgot to mention that won't be spending 100% on the wedding planned. My father has promised before to allocate money for it and so does my mother. Since it was supposed to be held in our hometown it's automatic that we will have like 90% of the guests and my family has to be part of the expense.

[Fudgee]

To add sorry if my posts is self involved since I was just writing of what I feel. You can judge me or not but thanks for the views and advises.

First off he said that money isn't the only issue. But I think it somehow added to his stress and work to save money for us.
And I don't know how to express it from his shoes since I haven't been through the depression. I may have issues of self harming before but I've controlled it as it's my only outlet. Now I think I have gathered myself and is somewhat stable?

Second, yeah I told him that I don't care about the wedding anymore. After all what happened I just don't want to end our relationship. The wedding can wait, marriage can wait. It;s a lifetime commitment and we want to be fully ready for it. I think I was just too excited of the idea of a wedding that I had too much fun. I'm sorry

Now I'm looking for a job. But online so that I could still be home with the kids. And since it's summer and school is taking a break. I'll need this part time job to somehow keep me occupied.

I just realized that I have wasted so much time to think over our situation that I have not looked after my son very well and to myself. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now. Everyday I have to wake up 5:30am to do my daily chores( i feel like a housewife lol). And after all those my room is my own private space to vent and express everything out.

[erwin1973]

First, let met tell you that being in a depression is really one of the worst things that can happen to a person. I have been through it myself and 20 years ago I alsmost ended up jumping in front of a train. Then, after a lot of medicatioin and psych-talk, I thought it went better. After a few years I ended up married (sadly with the wrong lady) and then when we started fighting, I ended up depressed again. I did two more attempts. Again, I did overcome this, although it did contribute to our devorce (but that was unavoidable anyway...).

And that, while I actually am a very positive, happy person. I love to laugh, to joke, and to be happy. I am very romantic and my SO is just like me.

What I am trying to tell you is that people in a depression only think of how bad they are. Everything they (we) do, is a burden to anyone around them (us) - or so they (we) think. Everything they (we) do, is bad - or so they (we) think. Everything they (we) do, is no use - or so they (we) think. So in this case, I can tell you first hand that even getting support is terrible - because someone in a real depression doesn't want that. Not because he doesn't want the help, but it feels like being a burdain to the one we actually love. That is only making it worse for him, while you do your absolute best.

You see what's happening? I don't say you should stop helping him - if you really love him, do that. Just try to find out what works best for both of you. Some need really a shoulder to cry on, but no words. Some need to be distracted. No planning for the future, a depressed lives only in the here and now, there is no future, only the hurting past - whatever that may be.

I think that your enthousiasm over the wedding did add to his insecurity, but I don't think it's selfish. That may sound strange, but I can't explain it. I have been through it myself, so I know how it works and feels, but I can't explain why. And of course I understand your side - absolutely. May be the timing was wrong, or the choice of words...

Me personally I don't like to blame people. I don't like to judge, either. That's not mine to do. But then, I am autistic too, so I can analyze.

What I would advice, is to take better care of yourself and your son. Keep on talking with your fiancee. Try a different approuch every now and then and see what works for him. Try to talk with his father, find out what worked in the past. May be the source of the depression is the same as it was before - you can ask his father if he knows.

And yes, you have to keep busy and get yourself under control. May be, if you trust his father, you can tell him how you feel, and what you and his father can do about it, so you feel better - and probably less insecure - in helping your SO.

Don't loose hope. A depressed is torn, deeply torn. It's good that he says in his heart he knows he loves you, that means a lot. A depression is in the head, not in the heart. So when he get's out of it (I say 'when', not 'if') he'll be himself again.

I wish you all strength and luck you need, God bless.

[Fudgee]

Erwin

Thank you so much for this and for sharing your story. I am literally crying right now. I don't want to blame anyone either. And I have no intention to blame it on his depression because that couldn't be controlled and fixed instantly. He actually shared to me about his past and what made him like this. But his family has ZERO idea whats happening to him. I wish I held back but I have to tell his parents about it and they were really shocked and lost with words. I tried to ask him if he wants to seek help from a professional but he refused. So I didn't insist and mention it after that.

Its true they said that its like they have 2 personalities. Even if he's an introvert he still socialize a little with friends and close family I introduced him with. And we've planned so many things in our future. You can't really tell he has depression. But yeah there are days that it happens. But most of them happen when he's away from me. We only get to spend 3-4weeks together when he visits.

But with what's happening now I have learned and realized alot of things. I really just want to help him but to the extent that I won't annoy him. What I'm doing now is just I tell him that I'm holding on to our relationship and to hopefully make it work. And I always tell him that I'm just here for him. We've waited 2yrs 4 months to see each other. I sure hope I can wait for him when he's ready to settle down. But we will see this July when he comes although we did plan a lot of things. But this relationship will rely on how he feels about me.

[erwin1973]

Good luck and stay strong.

[sasad]

I agree with Taki... Your relationship seems so one sided..
Its not your responsibility to take care of your brother... And I would think both your son and brother are in school, so I have a hard time with the unemployment stuff. Get a part time job. Stop making your SO responsible for you and your kid.-----Anyways I have to be honest here, I'm not very materialistic and I rarely go shopping. But he the one who likes to send me gifts and money if I want something. I do ask sometimes but those gifts are usually given on occasions like birthday, christmas and anniversaries. So he sends you money etc, and you still ask for stuff???? You should have put the money in fund for stuff.. again, I feel this is selfish on your part. And again..He agreed with me and we planned the budget for it. So the planning were great I have paid for the venue downpayment which is non refundable. And we have booked for my IELTS exam next week in this city(1hr plane ride from me).
The wedding well he thought it has gone bigger although I was still on track with out budget. And he the visa fees of mine and my son is almost as equal as the wedding budget. You can not use WE.. HE paid for EVERYTHING!! Then you asked about wedding rings.. What have YOU contributed besides spending HIS money. Seriously??

If he wants a beak, acting like a "crybaby" is a manipulative move. He NEEDS a break, but you wont let him??? And you wonder why he is depressed??
HELLO!! Wake up and stop your nonsense. Stop controlling him and thinking about yourself, Why don't you grow up a bot, get a job and contribute to this "relationship" ( sorry its so one sided) Pay for stuff, work, be responsible and stop being me me me..
Sorry if this is harsh, but read what you wrote.. You are cute and adorable, 26, have a child, don't work, have an SO that wants a Break from you, and YOU wont give him space, cuz its not what YOU want. So that night where he tried the break up with me was one of the worse. He said he needs some time and be away from me. I myself wasn't thinking right and didn't let him go. I said I won't give up on us and that I'll always be here. He said he was working so hard to keep me and my son happy. While throughout he is unhappy. He was gathering himself on how to tell me about it. And he said if he stays with me he might die(literally). So everything escalated until I harmed myself and he ended up staying with me he said. But he just feels empty/hollow No wonder he is a bit depressed and stressed out. He tried to talk to you and your response was to cry and hurt yourself to MAKE him stay.... Meh. This is all wrong.

[sasad]

GAH I types it al out and this site is wacked.

[Fudgee]

Thanks for slapping me with reality sasad.
Yes I admit I have many faults here. And I feel really terrible right now for being like this towards him. I know I have been selfish but I'm not gathering myself to change for the better.
if you have read my previous posts I'm looking a job now. And also yes my brother isn't my responsibility but since he and my son goes to the same school I just do what my parents cant do. My mother is always busy with the business while my father comes home 3-4 times in a year. So I've stepped in to look after him and he even calls me "mommy" although I'm just his big sister. Its actually 13 yrs gap between us since I was supposed to be the youngest among us siblings.
I'm now in good terms with my SO. We agreed that he will come July to talk to me face to face. He also wanted to work it out.

About the money he sends to me yes they go to the savings for the visa. And he's the one insisting to buy me gifts on special occasions only. He always ask me what I want so that he won't have to think or wonder what to give me as gift. So I tell him. Thats like on my birthday, xmas and our anniversary.

[erwin1973]

GAH I types it al out and this site is wacked.

Yeah...
My 'posts' don't work either... For the last week

[sasad]

Thanks for slapping me with reality sasad.
Yes I admit I have many faults here. And I feel really terrible right now for being like this towards him. I know I have been selfish but I'm not gathering myself to change for the better.
if you have read my previous posts I'm looking a job now. And also yes my brother isn't my responsibility but since he and my son goes to the same school I just do what my parents cant do. My mother is always busy with the business while my father comes home 3-4 times in a year. So I've stepped in to look after him and he even calls me "mommy" although I'm just his big sister. Its actually 13 yrs gap between us since I was supposed to be the youngest among us siblings.
I'm now in good terms with my SO. We agreed that he will come July to talk to me face to face. He also wanted to work it out.

About the money he sends to me yes they go to the savings for the visa. And he's the one insisting to buy me gifts on special occasions only. He always ask me what I want so that he won't have to think or wonder what to give me as gift. So I tell him. Thats like on my birthday, xmas and our anniversary.

Just keep talking... and please don't just hear him, but listen to his words. Work together and perhaps put more thought into what he is going through.

My baby brother is 12 years younger that me...and yes I took care of him, but my parents never let it get to the point where I was ever the "mom". Distance yourself a bit and have your mom take her job back with that.

I wish you all the best.

[Chris516]

OP, What struck me in what you said. Is that he had depression, and is suicidal. While you have anxiety and breakdowns. That sounds like a volatile combination.

[Camiul]

Alright.

First of all, having no job is a big no-no. I do understand how you're too busy of taking care your brother and your son. Some says it's not your responsibility to take care of your brother, but that's Filipino culture for you. We care for family. I know about this because I'm Filipino, too, and we are raised like this. We have rules here in our family, though, that we can do whatever we want with our life once we become 25-year-olds (that means we can now have some bf/gf for ourselves) and until then, we have to give money to our parents cos we will then have our share of the bills when we get a job. After all, we're still living in their house. But now, you know the importance of having a job, and kudos for you because you're now searching for a job, even if it's an online job, so you'll still have time for your son and brother.

About him sending money for visa funds and extra gifts, some people would get the idea that you're selfish because it would look like you're draining all his money and you have no contribution for the both of your future, at all. It is kinda true though. He's the only one saving money. You are like, just waiting for him to save enough money. I can understand this could also contribute to his depression. He could feel like he's the only one spending for the both of you. When his birthday came up, the monthsaries and anniversaries, did you give him or send him something in return? Or was it just simply "thanks" and sweet messages? I understand boyfriends having this mindset: "I just want you to have everything because you deserve everything and I can pay for it" even though in reality, he doesn't have much money. Yes, he can pay for it, but that small amount of money could be used for something better such as "funds". My boyfriend is like this. He thinks he can pay for anything I ask or else, if he can't, it would hurt his ego because he has this mindset that he should be able to take care of me and make me happy by giving stuff and such. So what I do is absolutely decline and would tell him he can use the money for other useful stuff such as saving for the future. Tell him you can be happy with not material stuff, and if he gets stubborn, be stubborn.

And then, horrors! His work cut his salary down to half!!! That's something everyone should watch out in the future. NEVER EVER THINK THAT YOUR JOB IS GOING TO BE PERMANENT! My parents had served this company for 25 years just to get them fired because their bosses are horrible! My boyfriend thinks that his job could sustain both of us and I just agree slightly with him but deep inside, I have have this somewhat anxiety that anything could happen: he could get fired, cut salary down to half, or maybe in the future, the costs of living will be much more expensive. I know it feels like I'm not trusting him, but sometimes, a little bit of anxiety for expenses should be there in your mind and I suggest that you do the same. Don't depend on him too much for the expenses. Have some backup! He can deny it all he want that money is never an issue, but money always contributes to the issue Add the stress from work to his depression, too.

Also, maybe the idea of being wed could also contribute to his depression. He is just 23, and I don't know bout other's opinions, but for me, 23 is just a young age to get married. 26 age is a good age for marrying. I hope that he didn't just get too excited of the idea of marrying too and now he's regretting the proposal or stuff. I'll trust your relationship with him and how you and him thoroughly talked about marriage. It could be that he really wants to marry you but got a bit thrown off by the change of plans just because you wanted to have a bigger wedding. I know we all want it to be a special day but making it grand doesn't make it special, it's the ceremony itself, in my opinion, and if the couple truly loves each other, that's what makes it special. And he might just be more on having a very small celebration for less costs and getting the papers done so you and him can close the distance.

He can't say that the issue is solely with him, because you are now a couple and you two should be treated as a single entity now. Work on the problems as a couple and let him know that you're with him, for better or for worse. I knew you could be desperate so you had to harm yourself just to keep him from leaving. I agree with Chris. You two have a very harmful relationship with him getting depressed and you having breakdowns. Remember how you were before when he first met you. You were the one who changed him from his depression state, yes? Do it again, this time, not being the one that would lead him to suicidal thoughts. Now that he doesn't want to do the wedding and you don't care about it anymore, you'll be focusing on how to make the relationship work.

You'll be meeting him on July, yes? I hope you get to talk heart to heart. Don't pressure him, such as hurting yourself so he won't leave. I believe you can make him not leave just by talking to him about it. The greatest fear for every relationship is when the other person says he doesn't love you anymore. But he says he still loves you and discuss on how you two will have a healthier relationship. What makes him unhappy? And discuss through how you won't make him unhappy. But if it needs to exchange your happiness with his happiness, tell him. Discuss it thoroughly! It should be a win situation for the both of you, and no one should be left with negative thoughts. Best of luck and I hope you two solve the problem without any harm.

[Fudgee]

OP, What struck me in what you said. Is that he had depression, and is suicidal. While you have anxiety and breakdowns. That sounds like a volatile combination.

Well I think he has worse since he has a really rough past. I did also had a bad and abusive relationship with my son's father before. But i know myself and my anxiety and breakdowns are pretty much in control. While on the other hand depression can't be controlled and just would go away. It's like a lifetime thing most people grow up/grow old with.
Right now the stress and work just made it worse and caused him to be like this. I'm trying to be less of a burden for him. And always reminds him that I'm just here to support