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I'm dating a man with depression. Please hear me out

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    #16
    Thank you Camiul!
    Yes I know I'm a terrible and selfish girlfriend. Although he keeps saying the issue is with him and he feels he's not mature enough. I admit that I'm at fault for this too.
    I've been searching and people with depression tends to feel that they don't deserve love and is not worthy of love. Check! He keeps saying that to me
    I've been so careful with the words that I tell him but I'm sorry I'm human and sometimes get carried away by my feelings. I did apologize to him last night about me being so self centered and didn't listen to him. But he ignored my message anyways. meh! And moved on with other topics.
    We couldn't do a voice or video call since he's working in a country where it is banned. So we can only communicate through facebook. But thats better than nothing.

    About the gifts I did sent him some gifts last year. It was personalized explosion box (with pictures & love notes) and a little pillow printed with the love letter I wrote for him. He really liked it! Last month February was his birthday I couldn't send him anything coz he's away for a long time and wouldn't be able to receive the gifts. He also asked me if I wanted anything for valentines but I refused so he didn't send me any.

    Just January I was already planning to give him something on the wedding day. But since it won't happen anytime soon I still decided to start doing the project and give it to him next month. It's more like an appreciation letter and telling him how amazing person he is. Coz he still is since day 1 of our relationship.

    Yeah about the engagement. He proposed to me last year August and then later left me his original birth certificate to start our plan with the visa. It was fiance visa originally. Anyways he returned to UK and I opened his live birth certificate and found out his real age. But hey! I was surprised yes but it wasn't a big deal for me. He apologized to me coz the reason he lied was he didn't want to look immature for me. He said he was 20 when we met online and I was 22. So I thought he was born 1992 but the truth he was born 1994. So I thought he was 24 when we were engaged, but then when I found out I asked him this exact words "Are you sure you wanna be engaged at age 22?" He answered, "Yes I've never been sure my whole life"
    Anyways it's only 4 years age gap even if it will be 10-30 years age gap it would matter right?(as long as you're not a minor age)

    It was a small lie and I moved on with that. Although I did ask his parents and they said it was kinda early and feels like a rush. But it's already done, and we agreed that I'll return to him the engagement ring this July when he comes and said he will propose when he's ready to. And he mentioned he has a plan for it. And ofcourse he won;t tell me about it! lol
    I'm taking an IELTS exam next week for the visa. He said I should still do it. I asked why since the engagement and wedding is canceled and the visa may not happen anyways. But he told me to stop thinking ahead and just do the exam.(i know Im annoying sometimes )

    Anyways, he said we're not okay but getting better. But we still chat everyday like a normal couple and even has plans to tour around when he comes to Philippines next. I'm just here trying not to overthink and hopeful that everything will turn out okay. And that we will be able to discuss and workout our relationship.

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      #17
      Originally posted by Fudgee View Post
      Since our culture is very family oriented we usually don't really move out of the house until we have a family. This is funny but some even live together with in laws or in a compound. ....The only money he sents me goes towards the savings for the visa. Extras are from him and I don't ask.
      I totally get the family and culture aspect because I am from Sri Lanka. The culture here is identical. Nevertheless that's the reality of multicultural dating. So far he's been understanding of your culture, which is why he's supported you in your current living situation. You need to understand his culture of individual breaking away. And even if the only money he sends is for visa stuff, I still think that should be joint too, especially since its not just for you- it's for your kid too. The fact that you don't ask for "extras" from him is NOT a bonus point in your favour because that's not something you should be asking for in the first place.

      Oh and what I meant by your brother was that even if your fiancé doesn't directly pay anything for your brother, that's not the issue her. From what you said, one of the reasons YOU can't work, is because of your brother. This may make sense for you, but it's really unfair for your fiancé. And never EVER use crying and self harm as a manipulation method. That's being extremely abusive. If you're concerned about his depression, be concerned about HIM and NOT about how his depression affects you.

      One thing though I'm really glad to see you're open minded enough to not immediately shut down negative responses. Way to go. and good luck!

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        #18
        Yes he and his depression is my big concern now. I understand it won't just go away and I won't be able to fix it. But I'll have to deal with it and just be supportive of him because I love him.
        At the moment I'm concerned of my well being too. It's affecting my health and now my son I just recently noticed. I've been trying hard not to show him that I'm crying sometimes hence I lock up in my room.
        I think I just need a different mindset with dealing with this matter since I'm overthinking a lot. But I can still manage to make it throughout the day.
        Thanks

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          #19
          Originally posted by Fudgee View Post
          Well I think he has worse since he has a really rough past. I did also had a bad and abusive relationship with my son's father before. But i know myself and my anxiety and breakdowns are pretty much in control. While on the other hand depression can't be controlled and just would go away. It's like a lifetime thing most people grow up/grow old with.
          Right now the stress and work just made it worse and caused him to be like this. I'm trying to be less of a burden for him. And always reminds him that I'm just here to support
          Does depression run in his family? So, His present depression was triggered by his work environment? How would you define yourself to be a 'burden'?

          First Visit: September 2016
          Second Visit: January 2017 (Her birthday)
          Third Visit: June 2018 (medical conference near her home)

          John 3:16
          For God so loved the world. That he gave his only begotten son. For whosoever believeth in him. Shall not perish but have eternal life
          John 4:12
          I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

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