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    Facetime Freak-Out

    I am so thankful to have found this little group. I haven't talked about my situation with close friends or family yet. I usually try not to tell anything until there's something to tell. Also, I am a bit superstitious, and in my experience, anytime I speak/write something into the universe, that's when inevitably things start to crash and burn. I was hesitant to even post in this forum; but as superstitious as I am, I am even more a person of faith, and I just don't think God works like that...punishing people for expressing hope just doesn't seem like His style.

    I haven't talked to those close to me about my situation/guy, but I have talked to acquaintances and internet friends. For reference, I am in the US and the guy I have been getting to know is in the UK. I am sure many of you won't be surprised about the immediate responses, when I tell them the guy is overseas: is he a scammer? Is he just in it for the Visa? You can't find anyone closer? Well, not for nothin or nothin, but I messaged him. And, I know the scammers and their games well. This guy ain't it. He's a normal guy. A little on the socially awkward/introverted side, but otherwise a normal guy. So, like I said...finding this group is such a blessing, to find people who don't judge and "get it."

    So, a little backstory: I am not new to the online dating world, but things usually end up the same way, moving way too fast and then either ghosted, or the aforementioned crash and burn. So, I decided I just wanted to stop shopping around for "the perfect guy" and just talk to guys, any guys. Just talk to them and hone my online dating skills and maybe make some friends. And...well, so long as it's just talking, I can talk to anyone in the world...in Bangkok just as easy as Louisville. So, I amongst others, I messaged this guy who has cute and seemed nice enough, and he replied.

    We became friends on social media almost immediately, and were fast friends. We talked/talk nearly every day, usually for hours at a time, or at least check in with each other. About a week to a week-and-a-half into it...things started to take a turn. A flirt here. A comment there. Subtle, but definitely there. He suggested we do video chat, eventually. Now, like I said before, I usually go too much, too fast, and it usually ends up horribly. So, I told him I agreed, definitely we'd video chat eventually, and I meant it. But, I also said I'd like to take things as they come, maybe do the phone thing first, and I meant that too. This was 3 weeks ago. Since then, he has mentioned Facetime since, but not in a pressuring way, but more in a "When we video chat, I'll show you where I live." or things like that.

    I'm super happy with where things in our not-currently-but-hopefully-someday-relationship. Things have moved at a very steady, controlled pace. We've talked nearly every day for a month, and certainly every day for the last 2-3 weeks. We haven't hit a plateau or regressed. Every single day feels like a progression forward. Every single day is a new term of endearment or a new playful GIF. Or shared audio files or a quick video. We check in throughout the day to share what's going on in our lives. He doesn't compliment me much, but he is investing his time and he makes an effort to try to compliment me. The effort is worth more than 1000 compliments. We have had three phone calls, which have been lovely. Some part are awkward, but other parts are so, so, so easy. BUT...our conversations have started to sort of blur together, and we find ourselves having the same conversation by accident.

    So, here's where things stand. It's time for the next step. I told him, and again I meant it, that there would come a time for Facetime. Well, it's time. I hate to say it, but... it's time. As much as I would like to delay delay delay. As much as I would like to continue to enjoy this new budding...something...video chat is the next step. And, it terrifies me. I've done enough video chats with my nephew to know how unforgiving video chat is. And, even if by some miracle I don't look like Jabba the Hut on the screen, I will be thinking about how my face looks when I talk, how my face looks when I laugh, do I look weird? He's seen my pictures, I've shared a ton of photos/selfies with him. But, there's just something about video chat that is not flattering at all.

    So, now I'm freaking out. In my heart of hearts, I know that IF this thing we have has a chance to become something, we have to do it. We have to. But, to be vulnerable, to have a very real possibility of rejection...to possibly throw away all that has built to this point...it scares the crap out of me. Has anyone felt this way before?

    Does anyone have first Facetime stories to either encourage or discourage me? Am I just being stupid?

    #2
    Well I've been exactly where you are about 4 years ago. I had shared pictures with my guy, he had shared some with me and it just was time to move on, time to see each other. I was terrified, I was overweight and not at my best looks when he asked to call on Skype.

    Honestly, it was wonderful, because while you might not like your image, the other person has been waiting to see you MOVE for a long time. See you interact with them, you know? It's so great to finally see how they smile, how they laugh and even if it's silly and you feel stupid doing it, it helps so much to feel at ease and know that this is the person you have been talking to for so long! You finally know exactly what it looks like when they think about something or how they react when you compliment them. It's just so nice to learn those new things about them.

    So while I was self-conscious about myself and worried, I did really enjoy seeing him and he told me that he was very worried about what I would think, but he was so glad that he finally knew what it looked like when I smiled.

    It might be awkward but it will be nice! Once we started skyping, we skyped every day for the next 2 weeks because there was just SO much to see and so much to find out about HOW they do it! How does you room look like? What does your writing look like? What does your silly face look like? All of those things were just so much fun to explore!

    Relationship began: 05/22/2012
    First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
    Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
    Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
    Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
    Married: 1/24/2015
    Became Resident: 9/14/2015

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      #3
      I think we put so much pressure on ourselves because it's video. If you really think about it, people look at us every day. The person in the grocery store, in the next car, the seat over on the bus or walking by you on the street. You sometimes meet your SO in random places when you aren't all dressed up and considering what you think is looking your best.

      Now this person already has an attraction to your personality and has seen pictures. Video is just the next step where they can see that smile all of a sudden light up your face, see you yawn, see what you look like when you laugh. These are all great things! Have fun with it. He knows what you look like and your personality and thinks you're wonderful. The video will just add to what he already knows of you.
      To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

      ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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        #4
        Originally posted by snow View Post
        Well I've been exactly where you are about 4 years ago. I had shared pictures with my guy, he had shared some with me and it just was time to move on, time to see each other. I was terrified, I was overweight and not at my best looks when he asked to call on Skype.

        Honestly, it was wonderful, because while you might not like your image, the other person has been waiting to see you MOVE for a long time. See you interact with them, you know? It's so great to finally see how they smile, how they laugh and even if it's silly and you feel stupid doing it, it helps so much to feel at ease and know that this is the person you have been talking to for so long! You finally know exactly what it looks like when they think about something or how they react when you compliment them. It's just so nice to learn those new things about them.

        So while I was self-conscious about myself and worried, I did really enjoy seeing him and he told me that he was very worried about what I would think, but he was so glad that he finally knew what it looked like when I smiled.
        What a lovely story. I am so glad things worked out for you. I mean....really, your experience is the dream.

        I have unfortunately read stories that went the other direction, and the video chat led to pretty much the immediate dissolution of the relationship. I try to convince myself, "Well, if that's the kind of guy he is, shouldn't I want to know now, so I can move on?" At the same time...I just know how horrible video chat is, and I may not be gorgeous, but I am 10 times better looking in real life than on the video chat. Literally every single flaw is highlighted, and my head looks huge and so on and so forth. So, I don't know that video chat will be an authentic representation of me, and I would hate to lose out because of it.

        He has told me that he believes attraction is something that can build and increase as you fall in love with a person's personality, so I have a certain amount of faith in the kind of person he is and would be. But, seeing the horror stories gets me inside my head sometimes.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by R&R View Post
          Now this person already has an attraction to your personality and has seen pictures. Video is just the next step where they can see that smile all of a sudden light up your face, see you yawn, see what you look like when you laugh. These are all great things! Have fun with it. He knows what you look like and your personality and thinks you're wonderful. The video will just add to what he already knows of you.
          Haha, I hope you're right. I don't know if he thinks I'm wonderful or not. He's also never expressed an attraction to me, personality or otherwise. I mean...he has mentioned certain personality traits I have are cute. He's complimented my eyes. I'm glad that he tries, I am.

          But, yes, Facetime, etc is the logical next step. I've read of people who wait months, even years for video chat. Or some that never do it prior to meeting. I personally never have, in a dating/guy situation. I have with family, but that's all. So, this is a whole new thing for me. But, even I, in my limited experience, feel the pull to do it and realize it's kind of a major piece of the puzzle to seeing where things go.

          PS I love your quote about distance...it's lovely.

          Comment


            #6
            I was the one asking to video chat and he was the one okay with it but scared to do it. He did eventually, but for most of the first video call, he pointed the webcam down so all I could see was his chest and not his face. His roommate was off camera, literally yelling on his phone in Hindi, so my SO didn't want to talk and I was just laughing at how awkward it was. Near the end, my SO finally showed me his face, but because of the roommate, he only typed to me. I remember what he typed... "I must say...you are beautiful." I laughed again awkwardly because he had never said that before, and my laughing embarrassed him. We hung up soon after that and couldn't bring ourselves to do it again for awhile.
            So, there's my cringey story. Yours can't be much worse! Just try to relax and have fun....if nothing else, it'll be something you can post here after a couple years for others to giggle over
            sigpic

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              #7
              Okay well...we had a fight and I cried, and now I'm not even sure Facetime is going to happen, or anything else for that matter.

              See what I said about speaking things into the universe leading to eventual doom? Yet again...

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                #8
                Originally posted by MushuChicken View Post
                Okay well...we had a fight and I cried, and now I'm not even sure Facetime is going to happen, or anything else for that matter.

                See what I said about speaking things into the universe leading to eventual doom? Yet again...
                Fights happen...depending on what it's about, it doesn't necessarily portend the doom of your relationship. All couples fight or at least argue-it's the ones that make up that stay together.
                sigpic

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by autumn1790 View Post
                  Fights happen...depending on what it's about, it doesn't necessarily portend the doom of your relationship. All couples fight or at least argue-it's the ones that make up that stay together.
                  Yes, but, we are not a couple, and at this rate, I'm not sure we will be.

                  He called me....wait for it....

                  nice.

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                    #10
                    UPDATE:

                    Okay after a very long, very rough night, we hashed things out this morning, and talked all afternoon. By talked, I mean texted, of course. I think we are okay, but I am on probation, I think.

                    Everything seems back to normal. Easy, flirty, fun conversation.

                    We talked Facetime. He suggested tonight, but with him being 6 hours ahead and me not getting off work till now...that wasn't really going to work. So, I think we are planning for tomorrow. I take it as a good sign he was ready to go like...ASAP.

                    But, of course now I am back in freak-out mode. Need to test some lip gloss and figure out the optimum spot and try to come up with conversations so I don't seem boring.....ACH!

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                      #11
                      Be yourself..

                      Don't let him fall in love with someone you're not.
                      Have fun!
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                        #12
                        Originally posted by autumn1790 View Post
                        Be yourself..

                        Don't let him fall in love with someone you're not.
                        Have fun!

                        Aw.....thanks.

                        Not sure how much fun I can have....so much stress. I catch myself making certain faces that I make all the time, and then I am wondering how they look and then they look weird, and I am like....crap, I am going to have to remember not to do that tomorrow. Lol.

                        But, above all, I will have no problem with being myself. That is a given. Not for any particularly noble reason, but I am much too awkward to try to be anything other than who I am....and I have a hard enough time doing that!

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                          #13
                          Update on how it went?
                          sigpic

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                            #14
                            Originally posted by autumn1790 View Post
                            Update on how it went?

                            It didn't go bad. Technically, it hasn't gone at all. He is on a train home from work right about now, so maybe a couple hours from now.

                            But, this morning, I woke up to just about one of the sweetest things ever. I had sent him a video, and I was showing him my shoes. I sent it last night after he had gone to bed, and when I woke up this morning, there is a message saying, "I like how happy you sound." Gah, just warms my heart.

                            Unfortunately, he's been in a bit of a weird mood today, so I'm not sure video chat is appropriate. It started off with him saying I could easily move to the UK if I wanted to. I nearly spit out my drink at that point. He then said if he moved to the US, he would want to live somewhere in the middle of the country, which what a coinikidink...I'll give you two guesses where I live.

                            But, here's where it gets weird: I shared this bizarre dream I had with him. And after he heard it, he says, "Maybe, I'm the guy...the guy in your dream." Well, for one, it wasn't. It was just some random dude. And for two, I really disliked the guy in my dream. In the dream this guy playfully tackles me and is trying to get me to be affectionate with him, and I was pushing him away and saying to stop. So, ld-whatever guy says, "Would you have let me do it?" Yeah, almost spit take #2 there. When I ask him what in the world he is talking about, his response it..."Would you have begged me to stop?"

                            At that point, I declared the conversation over. So, like I said....I'm not sure Skype is the greatest of ideas today.

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                              #15
                              Oh. Em. Gee.

                              I am hopped up on adrenaline right now, on such a high....it was a-ma-zing.

                              To start, I told him a couple weeks ago my favorite color was red...any guesses what color shirt he was wearing? So...that was a lovely surprise and he looked quite good.

                              He did a much better job of maintaining eye contact than I did. I am just not used to video chat, though, so...I am sure it will be something I get better with (hopefully) experience.

                              I only had about a 45 minute window of time, so unfortunately...it was shorter than I'd prefer. But, it was enough of a taste to want to do it again, soon hopefully. He seemed charming and happy and into the conversation, so....yeah, it was a lot of fun. A lot, a lot.

                              At one point I was talking about a cousin of mine, I mentioned him by name, and he seemed familiar. He said, "Oh yes, with blonde curly hair? Yes, I saw him and thought maybe he was a boyfriend or something." My face: The thing that is amusing about this is....I have NO idea when he would have seen my cousin on my Facebook page. He must have been doing some serious investigating/going down the Facebook rabbit hole, which is flattering I suppose.

                              It felt nice and comfortable and lovely...and it definitely didn't hurt our rapport with each other for sure. It feels really nice.

                              No "You are so beautiful" moments, sadly. But, he messaged me afterwards to ask how I was, and see if everything was okay, which I thought was very sweet. I told him I had a nice time, and he said he did too. He said he was really happy. Oh mylanta!
                              Last edited by MushuChicken; April 28, 2017, 08:01 PM.

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