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I don't know what to do... Should I give up?

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    I don't know what to do... Should I give up?

    Hi. I'm Saya. I'm from Japan. I'm new here and new to international loooong distance relationship.
    First of all thank you for reading my post. It's going to be long one but try to make it short.

    I don't have friends who's in same situation and my head is kind of exploding so I decided to write this post.
    Hope you can help me out!
    Also I'm sorry if my explanation or English is not clear and good enough. English is not my first language.

    Anyway here is about us.

    He's from the states (Chicago) and used to live/ work in my country (Japan).
    He was a teacher here for 5 years. He came Japan right after finishing university.
    We met last October through a mutual friend and started going out.
    But since day 1, I knew he was leaving my country for backpacking.
    He told me he wanted to see the world. That had been already decided before we met so I didn't say anything.
    I just supported him.

    He told me he hoped to come back to japan after his travel but since his visa will be expired in middle of June, he's not sure.
    He's also thinking to get a job in the states also since hes never worked in his country but he doesn't have any career in the states so it might not that easy (he's 29)
    Plus, he doesn't even know what he wants to do in his life yet. I don't even know what he's thinking now.

    Anyway on Feb 1st, he left Japan for backpacking.
    He mainly traveled in south east asia so time difference was only 2 hours.
    It was hard but we messaged each other every day so not that harder than I thought.

    End of March, he came back to Japan once for his friends wedding.
    We saw each other almost every day. He stayed here only for a week.
    Then went back to backpacking.

    Last week, we went to Vietnam together and spent a week there.
    Everything was great. But after that he went to Europe with his brother and his brother's wife.
    He's currently in London then going to Paris and back to Chicago finally.

    This is the first time for us to experience the big time difference (8 hrs).
    And once he goes back to the states, it's going to be 14 hrs.

    It's been only a week or so since we said goodbye in Vietnam.
    But now i'm super anxious about us.

    I don't know if he's coming back to my country.
    Maybe never comes back if he gets a job there.
    I don't know when I can actually see him next.
    I can't talk to him just like it's used to be because of the time difference.

    Because of the time difference, i feel like we're not talking as much as before.
    That makes me feel a little bit insecure. I know it's not his fault but feel like he's losing interest in me.

    Sometime I even hope like he can't find a job in the states then he'll come back to my country.
    And start feeling like I'm such a bad person. I don't deserve him or whatever.

    I think too much about things and started getting tired.
    I've already tried to end this several times but every time I couldn't
    At the same time I don't want to lose him. I just miss him. Want to see him.

    If he decides to come back here, I'd definitely regret that I ended it.
    My guts are telling me to go for it. Wait for him a little more.
    Might get hurt but either way it's going to be my experience.
    But mentally I don't know if i can do this.

    Does any of you have same situation or experience?
    How do you guys cope with these difficulties?

    I'm so sorry my whole sentences are mess and heard to understand.
    I'm a mess now so oh well. haha

    Thanks in advance.
    Saya

    #2
    Well... I can't really give you advice, because I am not you, nor am I your SO. That means I don't know how you two think.

    What I can tell you is: talk with him. You ask us a few questions, but we can't answer that. We cannot know when he will be back with you, or if he will ever come over to see you again. You should ask him that, to be honest.

    Of course, I understand that you're anxious. Me too. I am with my lady now for 8 months and a half, and we still don't know when we are going to see each other. Probably not for another 16 months or so. With a time difference of 10 / 14 hours, it's difficult, but if you both want to make it work, there is a way. I chat with my Pinay lady until it's midnight here. I get up at 7am. I am willing to sactifice some sleep to talk with my loved one.

    If you feel like you don't deserve him, why are you feeling that? Because you want him with you? That's normal, that you want him with you, is it?

    What you can do best is stop overthinking. It's good that you know you are. Keep yourself busy. Do what you did before, fit in some time to chat with your SO. Fit him in your life, don't build your life around him.

    There is only one who can decide if you want to end it and that is you. But first I would strongly advice you to talk with him. Make an appointment, there you both have time. Let me tell you that the time difference with my lady is 'only' 6 hours, but that still is more then most of us have heere. How I cope with it? I live my life as I did before. I fit her in, we make appointements about when we chat and for the rest I do what I always did. That is the most easy and probably best solution.

    I hope my answer is helping you.

    Good luck.
    Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

    Comment


      #3
      If he decided to stay in America would you want to end the relationship or world you be willing to move to be with him? Have you asked him what he would like to have happen if he does not return to Japan?

      I live on the west coast of the United States so the time difference to Japan is a bit larger. Recently I have started calling my boyfriend everyday when I wake up which is 10pm in Japan so a little late but doable for him. We use Line to keep the costs down and to send cute stamps back and forth. I also text him after work which is his lunch break, and send him pictures of interesting things from my day. I am financially stable so I will go visit him in Japan next month and we will hopefully be able to go on vacation together though he still does not have permission from work to take the time off (Is it normal in Japan not to be able to get permission till the last minute? )

      It sounds like your boyfriend loves to travel and has the financial baking to do so. Maybe you could set up another vacation to take together? Even if you can't go on vacation again this year planning something for next year now can help give you a goal and some peace of mind.

      Comment


        #4
        Saya, I feel for you. As I read your post, I felt the pain in your heart.

        Both of you need to have a long talk about your relationship.

        His wanting to travel the world. Would potentially mean the continents of Asia, Africa, North, Central, and South America. Also Western n' Eastern Europe, Australia, and the countries of, New Zealand, and New Gunea. Lastly, The Nordic nations of Sweden, Norway, Finland, and Denmark. The way the world map keeps getting re-drawn, he wouldn't be able to see every country.

        Like I said before, the two of you need to have a long talk about your relationship.

        First Visit: September 2016
        Second Visit: January 2017 (Her birthday)
        Third Visit: June 2018 (medical conference near her home)

        John 3:16
        For God so loved the world. That he gave his only begotten son. For whosoever believeth in him. Shall not perish but have eternal life
        John 4:12
        I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

        Comment


          #5
          hi saya.
          i am not in a sooo long distance relationship... tried once failed really bad so it gave me some experience.. that i would like to share with you...
          Dear,
          nobody is a mind reader.So talk to your boyfriend directly about ur insecurities.. and let him explain his point ... if you find it genuine discuss and decide where to head the relatioship.
          seeing how anxious and messed up you are shows ur immense luv for him.. so even if u guys part ..u wont get rid off his memories and thoughts ... rather they are gonna make u cry for having lost him..
          i din face this time gap situation ..u can both decide a particular time convinient for both of you ... without any hard and fast rules..
          try to cherish the tym to make urself a better person... excel ur interests and keep urself busy with thm ... doing thsu ll hv stuff to talk about to him.... and m sure u guys will find out a way to make it work...
          lethim knw wat u feel... he's surely gonna support you ..
          take care babe

          Comment


            #6
            Thanks, erwin1973. And I'm sorry my reply was late.

            You're totally right. Your answer helped me a lot.
            I'll try to keep myself busy and stop overthinking.

            I just went back to the states and now our time difference is 14 hours.
            But I'll try to have a conversation with him and tell him how I feel.

            Thank you so much for your advice!

            -Saya

            Comment


              #7
              Hi Ohcohc,

              Thank you for your advice and I'm sorry my reply is late.

              No we didn't really have any of the conversations.
              We agreed with seeing how it goes. And I'm kind of avoiding the conversation.

              Before he left Japan, we had a conversation about our relationship.
              And we both didn't want to breakup but he also couldn't say he'd come back to Japan for sure.
              Which I completely understand. I want him to back here but I can't force him.

              Let me answer your question!
              Yes. It's not that easy to get vacation permission in Japan. It depends on the company though.
              We have to usually wait until the last minutes. We don't really have a culture to take a long vacation.

              Anyway thank you for your help and I'll try to talk to him about this!
              Much appreciate it!

              -Saya

              Comment


                #8
                Hi Chris516,

                Thank you for your comment!
                His travel has been just finished now!
                Now he's back in the states.

                Anyway now he has more time so I'll try to talk to him!

                Thanks!
                -Saya

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hi kannagibhooshan,

                  Thank you for your comment! I'll try to talk to him but I'm just scared.
                  What if he got annoyed or he felt like i'm too clingy or needy... I don't think he's not that kind of person though.

                  He always told me if there is something wring, tell him.
                  And he's always accept how I feel but every time I got so scared to share how I feel.
                  Maybe I should trust him more and be more opened up...

                  Anyway I'll try to talk to him and hope everything will be ok!

                  Thanks in advance!

                  -Saya

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by Saya View Post
                    Thank you for your comment! I'll try to talk to him but I'm just scared.
                    What if he got annoyed or he felt like i'm too clingy or needy... I don't think he's not that kind of person though.
                    Well, I can understand you're scared. But... if you never talk, you never know, no matter how scary it is. What if he doesn't think your clingy, or doesn't get bored? Or if you never talk with him and grow apart? You'll always feel sorry for yourself for not trying. There is nothing to loose, because if he reacts to your fears, you can have better. If he reacts the way you hope, it will bring you closer.

                    Originally posted by Saya View Post
                    He always told me if there is something wring, tell him.
                    And he's always accept how I feel but every time I got so scared to share how I feel.
                    So, no matter how scared you are, he wants you to trust him and he seems to be eager to help you, work things out, and make the relationship work.

                    Originally posted by Saya View Post
                    Maybe I should trust him more and be more opened up...
                    Trust him, or trust yourself in trusting him? Sorry, I don't mean to sound sarcastic, I'm just pulling out a question. For sure he wants you to trust him.

                    Write down what you want to ask him, what you want to tell him. Take a deep breath and just do it. You can!
                    Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      If you both want to give it a go I would just take one day at a time and see where the relationship goes. Long distance and time zones are difficult to manage but not impossible, plenty of people on here manage it. You'll only know how you both feel by talking it through. Yes, that can be quite scary and cause some anxiety but you will need excellent communication to be in a LDR so start on a good footing.

                      Comment

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