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Am I Too Invested?

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    30+ Am I Too Invested?

    This is my first time posting on here and I'm here because the people in my life don't understand why I'm even trying this relationship.

    Long story short my SO and I started talking back in March on a dating site. We both agreed that the distance wouldn't be an issue. We text everyday, although often I'm the one to initiate the contact. We met a couple weekends ago for the first time and although he assures that he's still interested in me I find myself struggling to believe him. Before we met he would flirt more, and even though I've given him the go ahead to be a little bit more sexual in his texts, he really hasn't taken the cue. I have given him every opportunity to get out of this relationship and I've been completely clear about how I feel. He tells me that I'm not in it alone but when I express a concern he tells me that I worry too much. I try to get him to commit to plans and he says, "I want to see you" but won't commit. I understand, honestly. He has a young daughter that he has a lot and that we're not ready for me to meet. And the upcoming vacation that he's got closer to where I am is with his family, who he only sees once a year. But still I feel it's important for us to start trying to normalize our relationship as much as we can because we have talked about a future together.

    I haven't had a relationship, ever really. I've recently lost a lot of weight and so there are self esteem issues at play. I'm not sexually experienced and he's divorced with a child. I also struggle with high levels of anxiety, which he doesn't seem to understand. I'm a planner, he's not. When I say that to him he just says, "Well you're gonna have to get used to it because I don't have everything planned out." Don't judge him too harshly. That's just his personality, and it's part of what I like about him. I don't want to feel like I'm riding him about my anxiety or seeing each other but my anxiety makes this very difficult.

    I should be clear I don't question that he's loyal to me. I'm just questioning how much work he's willing to put into making this work and comments like the one above make me feel like he expects me to be the one to do all the bending. I'm willing to do a lot but it has to be for a partner, and I don't know if that's what I have.

    I'm also wondering if anyone has any advise on how to broach sensitive subjects with a less than sensitive man. I don't want to seem like I'm on his back all the time but I need to set up a texting schedule with him and try and get him to work with me on my anxiety instead of just telling me not to worry. Am I expecting too much out of such a young relationship, even though we're both looking at a future together?

    #2
    Originally posted by Bellajewels View Post
    This is my first time posting on here and I'm here because the people in my life don't understand why I'm even trying this relationship.

    Long story short my SO and I started talking back in March on a dating site. We both agreed that the distance wouldn't be an issue. We text everyday, although often I'm the one to initiate the contact. We met a couple weekends ago for the first time and although he assures that he's still interested in me I find myself struggling to believe him. Before we met he would flirt more, and even though I've given him the go ahead to be a little bit more sexual in his texts, he really hasn't taken the cue. I have given him every opportunity to get out of this relationship and I've been completely clear about how I feel. He tells me that I'm not in it alone but when I express a concern he tells me that I worry too much. I try to get him to commit to plans and he says, "I want to see you" but won't commit. I understand, honestly. He has a young daughter that he has a lot and that we're not ready for me to meet. And the upcoming vacation that he's got closer to where I am is with his family, who he only sees once a year. But still I feel it's important for us to start trying to normalize our relationship as much as we can because we have talked about a future together.

    I haven't had a relationship, ever really. I've recently lost a lot of weight and so there are self esteem issues at play. I'm not sexually experienced and he's divorced with a child. I also struggle with high levels of anxiety, which he doesn't seem to understand. I'm a planner, he's not. When I say that to him he just says, "Well you're gonna have to get used to it because I don't have everything planned out." Don't judge him too harshly. That's just his personality, and it's part of what I like about him. I don't want to feel like I'm riding him about my anxiety or seeing each other but my anxiety makes this very difficult.

    I should be clear I don't question that he's loyal to me. I'm just questioning how much work he's willing to put into making this work and comments like the one above make me feel like he expects me to be the one to do all the bending. I'm willing to do a lot but it has to be for a partner, and I don't know if that's what I have.

    I'm also wondering if anyone has any advise on how to broach sensitive subjects with a less than sensitive man. I don't want to seem like I'm on his back all the time but I need to set up a texting schedule with him and try and get him to work with me on my anxiety instead of just telling me not to worry. Am I expecting too much out of such a young relationship, even though we're both looking at a future together?
    Welcome to the forums. Your relationship is new and it takes time to get to know each other and how you each work.

    He's told you he's not a planner and he's more take things as they come. My SO is very much the same way. I've learned to give on that for certain things. He's supposed to be visiting soon, and though I would like to have everything planned out, I haven't this time. I'm going to take his relaxed approach and have a spontaneous week. Sometimes it's good for us to learn things from our SO's.

    It may be benficial to list the things in the relationship that for you are "must haves" and "would be nice" and "not a big deal". Write it out. Is a texting schedule really a "must have" or " would be nice"?

    There are things he will have to learn too - such as your anxiety. If it's something he hasn't dealt with himself, it honestly can be very hard to understand. For those of us that don't have anxiety attacks or deal with anxiety except in extremely rare and stressful situations, it can be difficult to figure out why you can't just get over things or not stress about things like we do. It will be a learning curve for him. Maybe you can provide him helpful websites or articles to help him understand what you deal with.

    He also has a young daughter that is going to take up a lot of time. A texting schedule may not work because his daughter may have unexpeted things happen that will put a kink in the schedule. As a mother of 2 (now adults), I can tell you that the best laid plans can go awry in an instant.

    Right now, just take the time getting to know each other better. I wouldn't be so concerned about normalizing the relationship. It's a unique relationship due to the distance. One step at a time.
    To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

    ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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      #3
      The thing that stands out to me from your post is really now young your relationship is...I'm not sure that worrying about the future is entirely necessary after three months. You kinda have to build a relationship like a house...it needs a solid foundation before anything else (overused cliche, I know.) My two cents' would be work on being best friends first, and leave tomorrow for another day. My dad always says, "Life happens while you plan it." Don't miss out on the special experiences of today by focussing on the possible maybes of the future. I understand this can be difficult, especially with anxiety, and I don't want to come across as harsh and unsympathetic...I really wish you the best and feel free to post any time on the forums. Good luck!
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        #4
        Thank you both. I was able to talk with him last night and I think we're going to be okay right now. You're right it's still new, even though it doesn't feel like it. I'm working on my anxiety, seeing a doctor this week to see about medication, but he's very good about reassuring me. I just don't feel like it's fair to ask him to since it's really my issue.

        I'm really trying to make it work but a long distance thing is the last thing I ever expected. Like ever lol.

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