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Not sure about stability after closing the distance

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    Not sure about stability after closing the distance

    Hi,

    I haven't posted for a while, mainly because I have closed the distance in March, but right now I really need to get some things out, as things aren't going great. I'd appreciate any advice or comments.

    My girlfriend is Romanian. I am French. Until last year, she was in Romania and I was in the US. We had decided to find a way to close the distance or at least get closer. As I found a potential position in a company in Paris, she applied for jobs in France and got offers in the South. We thought it would be a first step, at least we would be in the same country, with no time difference.

    When my US boss learned I wanted to leave, he offered me to do everything possible to make me work remotely from France. I accepted, as I really like my US job (and my boss). This was also allowing me to move in directly with SO, instead of Paris. She moved to the South of France in January, and after 3 months of what was an administrative nightmare for my boss (understanding French labor laws and stuff), he managed to send me to work remotely from France, with even a promotion and a pay rise.

    Since then, I have been working from home and I am living with my SO. This is where it got complicated: we started very early to fight a lot, and even getting close to breaking up at one point. We eventually got better and realized what was triggering the fights: she absolutely hates her job here. She was advertised an amazing project by the interviewers, but when she started, she was put instead on a crappy project, doing maintenance of a very outdated application, under a lot of pressure from her manager. She comes back every day complaining about that, and sometimes gets so depressed she starts crying. I'm doing everything I can to make her feel better, by filling our weekends with trips to nice places around or by encouraging her to go out with friends (also because if we weren't doing that, I'd go crazy as I work from home with no contact whatsoever with anyone). She started looking for another job, to solve the issue.

    At first she was looking for another job in France. Then as she couldn't find one, she extended her search to other countries like Ireland, UK, or the Netherlands. Her moving to such a country would mean for me to ask my boss to make me a new contract (meaning more administrative nightmare for him), which I was reluctant to do at first but that I would do now, given how depressed she is. I could always justify to my boss that this is a way for me to get closer to the US (Ireland and UK are one time zone closer), or for her to gain more international experience to eventually be able to find a job in the US, so I could move back to "normal" working conditions.

    But now she has started applying for jobs in Romania. Her moving there would be a huge step back for us: I wouldn't be able to work from Romania, as it is farther away from the US (longer time difference) and I don't know the language so I'd be completely isolated. We would go back to long distance, except that I'd be in France, working remotely for the US, with no friend, no coworker, and my family is 7h away. Part of me thinks I would be fine, another part thinks I'd go crazy; I don't how my boss would take it if I told him "thanks for making me work from France, but my girlfriend left". I don't know if I'd have the courage to wait for her to come back, and I wouldn't even know if she would ever come back or if it would be just delaying an inevitable break up.

    Right now I'm alternating between moments where she tells me "you're the most amazing person in the world", and I think everything is fine, and moments where she tells me "I've been called by this Romania company, I have an interview on Thursday", and I feel like my whole life is about to fall apart.

    Thanks for reading if you made it this far, any comment is appreciated!

    #2
    Hey, I have read most of your posts over here. And I find this unsurprising.

    Do you want my honest opinion? Your girlfriend simply can't live or is subconsciously refusing to live anywhere else outside her country. And I am not saying it's necessarily her fault. She just doesn't seem like a type and not everyone can make all the sacrifices and get used to a new country just like that. She might not be aware of it herself and might be doing it subconsciously but everything that has happened till now kind of shows that. I don't know the reason, she might not be independent enough, or might have hard time dealing with new things or I don't know. That's not for me to find out.

    However, her having second thoughts about moving out at first. Then her freaking out about apartment stuff, then the job, and THEN searching for new jobs in Romania. It feels like she was subconsciously searching for reasons or finding things that were wrong and things that would make her feel bad. I mean, it is normal to not have an easy time at first when you move out and maybe she had set her expectations to high but even then, giving up this soon means she never felt comfortable outside of her country and subconsciously wanted back.

    Anyway, I think you two need a serious talk to set your end goal. Or break up if it's impossible.
    There are only three ways to settle an international LDR, either one moves in with the other, or they both move. If she really can't live outside of her country, can't give it another try in the France or even in the UK for example (she needs to be honest with herself too), it means you would have to move to Romania, learn the language, possibly leave your job and start a new life there. So the question is, who is willing to sacrifice and make a compromise? Or can either of you do it? You really really need to discuss this.

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      #3
      Thanks, this is unfortunately what I feel as well. When we nearly broke up I had the impression that she was trying to make me take the decision of breaking up so she would have an excuse to give up and go back to Romania.

      She lived with her parents all her life, so she was taking things for granted (her mom was there to cook, her dad was driving her to work, etc.). It is difficult to know whether she would like to just find a job in which she is happy, or to completely go back to living under her parents' roof to have everything back the way it was before.

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by sunmat View Post
        It is difficult to know whether she would like to just find a job in which she is happy, or to completely go back to living under her parents' roof to have everything back the way it was before.
        Yeah, she really needs to do a lot of thinking and find out what exactly is the problem or what she wants.

        Also even if she moved there and you went to temp LDR again, what then? You two need to have the end planned and in sight, especially after you were this close.

        Comment


          #5
          I'm really sorry, sunmat. I've read your other posts too, and like C.C., I agree that nothing but her own country will satisfy her. Honestly, she really seems a bit unstable and maybe not mature enough for the relationship you have, and sometimes all the love in the world can't make things work out. I kind of think that, unless you move to Romania, you may have to really think if there's anything you can do to salvage this. I'm not so sure anything outside of going to Romania will be OK. I'm so sorry about that.
          Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

          Comment


            #6
            I had a talk about it with her yesterday:

            I asked if she couldn't get a former manager of hers to recommend her for a position in their German headquarters (this manager had proposed her the position a few months ago, when she decided to move to France). She asked me why I was OK with the idea of her moving to Germany but not to Romania. I exposed my point, that I didn't know if she was seeking a change only because of her job or because she couldn't live outside Romania. She said that while it was very difficult until a couple of months ago, she now got used to France and finds it way better here than Romania (first time I hear it from her, it's nice) but she really needs to change job and Romanian companies are calling, contrary to other companies she has applied for. She said "you must have noticed that since I came back from Romania [she was on vacation there in May for a week] I didn't cry saying that I miss it, or said that things are way better there. I'm really depressed because of my job, now, that's all".

            She explicitly said "I don't want to go back to Romania", so I still don't get much why she interviews for companies there. Maybe to get confidence boost when those companies make her an offer, to keep feeling that some companies want her... difficult to say.

            Comment


              #7
              How is her French? I know for a fact how scary it is to work in a country that has a different language than yours. It took me a while to feel alright at my job and I know part of it is because even though I've been learning English for like 10 years before I moved, I still wasn't 100% comfortable around native speakers.

              I believe she needs to stop looking in Romania. If she is depressed about her job, she should spend all her energy looking for a different job where she is right now. It might take a while and it might not be what she wants, but she can't keep looking somewhere she says she doesn't even want to be.

              I worked with a bully for over a year. There were days I came home crying, there were days I didn't want to wake up and go to work fearing what would happen if I did. There were days I felt totally fine only to go back the next day and feel like shit. Work is work, it's not your life. You work to have money and she needs to see it that way. You go there, do your job and then go home. Leave all the bad stuff at work and move on.
              I switched to a room I LOVED but I was making significantly less money, now I am working full time and while I still work with someone I don't like and I have a hard time with, I remind myself that I am only there to do my work and get paid. It's a part of my life, but not my whole life.

              Relationship began: 05/22/2012
              First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
              Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
              Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
              Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
              Married: 1/24/2015
              Became Resident: 9/14/2015

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                #8
                Her French is conversational. We have no problem talking in French at home, or with friends, but it's not sufficient for companies that require fluent French. She is somewhere between B1 and B2 level.

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