He blocked me--is he gone for good???

[KaloKali70]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years (short two months). He is a diplomat and has been on assignment in Cameroon for nearly half the time we've been together. We've made it work with constant communication and visits (especially on his side--with up to five visits a year). He has less than a year until he returns home.

I am on a similar career path. As I have waited patiently for him and supported him every step of the way, I have been working on my career development. This spring I landed a dream opportunity with the UN to also work in Africa, but in the eastern Horn region. It's temporary for only six months. It's also my first time in the field and my first real professional level position. It would be great leverage for my aspirations and could even help me find a better job when I return home.

As I write to you now, it has been six days since my arrival. My boyfriend had always been super supportive of my career ambitions and my personal development. When I told him of the news, he was excited and proud. He was particularly attentive with the anxiety I was feeling, because although it is a great opportunity, it comes with a lot of uncertainty and risk-taking. I don't intend to be in the field for an extended period (I don't think anyone really does more than a year). We discussed briefly how this would impact our relationship, and he said it work well (even if I extended for another three or six months) as we would probably come home at the same time.

He wanted to visit me before I left, but unfortunately he had a project to finish, and I was kind of being rushed to start my assignment.

Some days before my departure, he totally closed up. I would send texts and messages, but he wouldn't respond. I sent pics of my new haircut and my send-off parties, but he didn't say anything. He never even checked on me in the days leading up to the departure, not even to see how I was feeling. I found this very strange, but I didn't mention it to him then.

On my day of departure, I sent him a text to let him know I was en route to the airport and that I had packed up the place I was leaving behind. No response.

Mixed with so many emotions that day, I called him a jerk out of anger, just before the plane took off. I didn't really tell him why, but maybe he knew.

Since my arrival, I have been experiencing what is perhaps the most challenging time of my life--having to adapt to the extremely hot climate, being in a remote and underdeveloped environment, being in a place where I don't know anyone, and also tackling the demanding duties of the job. It's only been six days, but it feels like a month! I yearned for him. I wanted my best confidant to be there for me. I am still having to cope with the stress of life right now plus not having him around.

Amidst this stress and feelings of abandonment, I had been sending these mean texts to him--actually accusing him of chasing other women (using that as an excuse for him dropping off the radar and being MIA--note: we broke up very briefly last year and he jumped into a brief rebound relationship, after which he apologized to me) and wasting my time these past three years. I was just so angry--the person I wanted and needed the most wasn't there. The more I wanted him and the more I felt I needed him, the more anxious I got and the more I would send out these messages to him.

This obviously pushed him away. Without even replying to my words, without offering an explanation for his behavior, he blocked me in almost every way possible--on the phone, on WhatsApp, on Skype, and on Facebook. I feel helpless now.

Is he just angry? Is he hurt? Is he legit being shady? Is he scared that we won't be able to work with the new dynamics?

I didn't mean what I said. Deep down I'm sorry.

What do I do now? Will he eventually unblock me? What is he thinking? Is he really willing to completely cut me off like that?

My birthday is next Friday and it was always a special day for both of us. I can't think how I would enjoy that day or get by emotionally in the next six months, knowing he has severed me from his life.

It's cruel on his part to completely cut me off, knowing I am facing one of the most challenging times of my life. I want to make amends though. I want to have him there again. I still hang on to dreams of our future together.

Should I just give him (and myself) room to breathe? It's with that, I get anxious that if I give him time, he will completely forget about me and move on.

What's your take and what can I do?

Thanks in advance.

[Moon]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. While none of us are mind readers and can't tell you what he's thinking or how he feels, it doesn't sound very good at the moment. I'm a little curious as to why you're so sorry and apologetic? After all, he's the one who decided to ghost you during an incredibly important and stressful time in your life, you have nothing to be sorry for! So what if you called him a jerk (that's the least he was) and sent some mean messages? He stopped contacting you before you did that, remember? Yeah, maybe it wasn't the most mature thing you could have done, but I'm sure your frustration was huge.

I'm afraid all you can do now is wait and see what happens. To be honest, if he didn't have the most amazing and incredible reason for cutting contact when you needed him most, I'd really reconsider the relationship all together People who love you do not behave that way. I wish you luck and hope you get some answers soon, the waiting is the worst.

[KaloKali70]

Thanks a lot. I guess am being apologetic because maybe I didn't give him enough time to say something. He may have been busy. He may not have answered my texts right away, but I just quickly jumped to the conclusion that he doesn't care. Or maybe he did selectively choose to distance himself. I don't know. I just had those feelings based on anxiety. Actually, in the weeks prior, I felt our communication sparse. Or maybe he was just thinking that we've been together so long we don't have to communicate constantly... like it's not the end of the world if we let a day go by without communication. Just some thoughts.

We've had fights before, but he would block me. We may have given each other silence and space, but never such measures as blocking.

I hate this waiting, especially being blocked from him. It feels like the ties have been completely cut and there's a permanence to it.

[Rezie]

He is Bening a jerk with the ghosting. You don't need to apologise. At least not until he gives an excuse that he has been in a coma. Sure he can be scared, hurt, indifferent or any other emotion but that is not an excuse. After a week I would consider you guys to be broken up. Maybe send one more message saying
" hope you are ok and safe since you are not answering. You left me when I needed support the most. Based on this lack of communication I'm assuming you no longer want to be in a relationship. I'm here if you want to talk but if I don't hear back from you then I will move forward with my life"

That is true that sometimes people need space and you can't be in contact all the time And no need to respond to every text. When you partner is doing something major and you don't respond. They have a right to be upset. But you talk about it, you don't block. Based on his work I'm assuming he is over 18 years old. If he was 16 then I would understand this behaviour better.

[erwin1973]

Being a man, I can understand that after so many (perhaps false) accusations, he just cut you out of his life. I don't say that is good, and I don't know why he didn't respond to you in the first place. May be he was busy? Could have had an accident, in hospital, without being able to use his telephone? Who knows?

We are no mind readers. We don't know what he thinks, what he will do, if he will come back, if he is angry (he probably will be now), or hurt (probably he is). There is no way we do know that.

I can understand your feeling, but even though he stopped responding first, your angry (though understandable) messages didn't really help, I hope you understand that. All you can do is, if you have his address, write him a letter (best reccomended) and explain.

Are you serious by saying he is the cruel one? Again, I know he stopped responding in the first place. But then you went completely baserk and that didn't really help, now did it? Where two fight, two are to blame. Again, we don't know what happened from his side, what he is thinking and how he feels.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, and of course it's not nice of him to stop responding in the first place - but since we don't know if that was intentionally or because of something that happened, we don't know.

Good luck.

[C.C.]

Being a man, I can understand that after so many (perhaps false) accusations, he just cut you out of his life. I don't say that is good, and I don't know why he didn't respond to you in the first place. May be he was busy? Could have had an accident, in hospital, without being able to use his telephone? Who knows?

We are no mind readers. We don't know what he thinks, what he will do, if he will come back, if he is angry (he probably will be now), or hurt (probably he is). There is no way we do know that.

I can understand your feeling, but even though he stopped responding first, your angry (though understandable) messages didn't really help, I hope you understand that. All you can do is, if you have his address, write him a letter (best reccomended) and explain.

Are you serious by saying he is the cruel one? Again, I know he stopped responding in the first place. But then you went completely baserk and that didn't really help, now did it? Where two fight, two are to blame. Again, we don't know what happened from his side, what he is thinking and how he feels.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, and of course it's not nice of him to stop responding in the first place - but since we don't know if that was intentionally or because of something that happened, we don't know.

Good luck.

I don't think any of the accusations were false unless he had a good reason to do what he did. Hospital accident would pass as one, being busy wouldn't. Also I am sure that if they used social media for communication she'd know if he was active at all. And wouldn't get as angry if he weren't. She'd be concerned if anything.
Besides, the worst part of this isn't that he didn't respond for some days or something, but the fact that he did it when she was going through her major changes and needed support the most.

Honestly though, OP, what's the point of being with him again if he can't be there for you when you need it the most?

[KaloKali70]

Thanks, guys. In my defense, I think I had been very insecure these past weeks--insecure about his love for me. I think the accusations stem from that and the memories of having to get over that rebound relationship of his that I mentioned plus the fact he's still friends with his most recent ex (though he told me himself they were just friends) left scars. I'm not normally an anxious person, but with the stress of the new job and move, I was particularly susceptible to anxiety.

I drove it over the edge though and didn't have to react as I did.

I still think he could've been more attentive given my life situation and was deeply disappointed in his action (or lack thereof).

[Moon]

Thanks, guys. In my defense, I think I had been very insecure these past weeks--insecure about his love for me. I think the accusations stem from that and the memories of having to get over that rebound relationship of his that I mentioned plus the fact he's still friends with his most recent ex (though he told me himself they were just friends) left scars. I'm not normally an anxious person, but with the stress of the new job and move, I was particularly susceptible to anxiety.

I drove it over the edge though and didn't have to react as I did.

I still think he could've been more attentive given my life situation and was deeply disappointed in his action (or lack thereof).

This is the part you need to really think about. While everyone makes mistakes, ignoring you when you needed him most should make you wonder if he's really the life partner you need. Assuming he's close in age to you, he's too old to not know better in this situation, honestly. I would have to ask myself how else he isn't willing to support me, and if I could be OK with that.