Jealousy? Honesty? Being #1

[growinglove]

Jealously always seems be ok and go both ways in the honeymoon phase, and then all of a sudden it becomes too much. Fully trusting each other in a ldr seems easier with communication... that's the answer, right?
In the beginning I was told about a girl my SO thought was beautiful, and he tried to date, she wouldn't go out with him. She seems to come up sometimes. He would see her and mention how he would freeze up. I wanted him to be able to talk to me so i would deal with it, but inside it beat me up. I would look at her photos and obcess about pretty she was and how I couldn't be her (younger, as pretty, etc). As time went on, he stopped talking about her and i would forget, but in the year or so of dating, every 3-4 mo that we get to meet up, i see in his phone that he has searched for her and screenshot pictures of her😔 He tells me he wants to be with me forever and that he loves me and I'm beautiful to him, but how can I actually accept that I'm not the first choice? will she eventually come around? Then what? His mom tells me that there is only one of me and no one could touch that. True, but what am I doing? Maybe most of us just don't know if there is another person that our SO thinks is perfect? It's hard enough that there are so many girls around all the time when I am not. I feel like I'm what he can get, not what he really wants. Doesn't matter what he says, it's the fact that she always seems to appear in the times that I am around and I hardly see him (I've never seen her in person). Help

[hmrambling]

I suggest you sort out how much of this is his stuff and how much of it is your stuff. As an onlooker, it sounds like a lot of it is your stuff and not his stuff. If he is/was open about his experiences with her, and his actions say that he wants to be with you, then what does that tell you?

Before my SO, I dated a singer who was a former model. She was/is very attractive. However, her personality is shit and we really are not compatible. Sure every once in a while I wonder how she's doing, and that does not change where my heart is. My heart is with my SO. It's not fair for my SO to compare herself to my ex, and it's not fair for me to compare my SO to my ex. Why put yourself through that? Focus on you. You admittedly say that you become obsessed - that is your stuff. That is not his. You need to work on your insecurities and stop comparing yourself. Change a thought, move a muscle. When you start thinking about her, get yourself off of social media and the computer and go do something for yourself. Take a walk, journal, meditate, dance. Do something for yourself instead of sitting idle and obsessing.

[growinglove]

That's the thing, I don't think about her and I forget about her and then the few times that I actually get to be around him he is the one still obsessing about her. He says he wants to be with me forever, but I'm not sure he has it all out of his system about other girls.
They never dated, he just really wanted to... then I came along. His obsessions should not be mine. You are right about that. We all think of our exes, but I don't concentrate on mine. That is definitely within myself and my insecurities to step away and think about it for myself.

[differentcountries]

I know that there are some girls SO thinks are really beautiful, if not perfect. Like models or singers. I can understand that, I think some are pretty too.
I know that SO is very attracted to me, and that I am his type. He has also told me that he really likes my personality and that he admires me and feels seen by me. And I feel soothed by the features and personality traits that I share with his mum.

I dont look at SOs phone, ever. I dont suspect him of anything, it is not right to snoop and I also dont want to see things I might misunderstand.

I may be in a weird place here, because I am my SOs first and only choice, and it is not so easy either. I am actually a bit bothered by the fact that SO does not have an ex, just a woman he used to see/kind of date but never took home to his mum, it was more of an arrangement. She was much older and probably wealthier than me and I used to be a bit jealous of her, until I understood that while he liked her, he never really loved her nor was loved by her. I am a love junkie myself (always in serious relationships as an adult, even as a small child I fell in love easily) and I was scared that we would not understand each other. I actually cried because of this. And SO was shocked when he found out the extent of my relationships with others (I have dated 2-3 serious, long relationships and been married twice), maybe he thought to himself if I could be happy to be with him, due to my experience?

Most of us have a past, and may from time to time worry about what might have been. That does not mean that what we have now, does not satisfy us. I dont want to see my kind of ex either, though I sometimes obsess over him, especially since we never had any real closure. Sometimes this affects SO, because I know I react especially strong when he does something that reminds me of the other guy in a bad way. But those are my issues alone to deal with.

With SO and I, we have chosen not to share who our exes are by saying their names or showing their pictures, because it is not useful in any way. I would not know if he screenshots people because his phone is something I choose to stay out of.

There could be other women that SO finds or could come to find perfect. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that. I can only focus on us and our relationship. I have my body and my personality, and I hope that is good enough for him. I have my insecurities that have nothing to do with how I look, and I have to work through them. I distract myself or I journal. I may talk things through with others. I sometimes just sit with my feelings of insecurity and breathe and let it be.

If you have dated only a year, he is probably not sold onto you completely, but he may be on his way to do that. One way to stand out, is to show him that you know that the world is full of attractive men and women, but you have chosen each other. Love is not a beauty contest, but a game of connection. Connect to yourself, and to him.

[erwin1973]

[growinglove]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all these words and they mean a lot. I just arrived back in the states from Scotland and he is on a tour with a folk band in northern Scotland, so we haven't gotten to talk a lot (not our normal times). my mind racing and my insecurities are getting the best of me.

[Nettaly]

Its pretty tough.
I think the questions you should ask are supposed to be different, you should be asking yourself - Am I happy with him? do I believe not being with him will be better than being with him? do I feel that he is relaxed and comfertable with me? do we communicate on a positive note?

I believe looking at other people is inevitable, yes there are beautiful people in the world and they are everywhere, but that doesnt show their value. people that make art can make a beautiful statue that is made out of garbage, and people that make beautiful jewelry can use metal that some people are allergic to. you get my point. it's troubling that he keeps photos, but I am interested to know what kind of screenshots of her? if it's sexy things then I hate to say this but you should consider sending him sexy pics of your own, because this is a part of him and it's better to be there for his needs. you could also tell him it's unacceptable but if so he could feel unaccepted and this could make him hide things from you. it seems like you are open with each other and that's really good, you should talk to him about the way you see things as soon as you are sure of how you see them.

my mamma always says about my papa, after 28 years of marriage - "I have thought about devorce many times durings life, but then I thought - who would take him? I learned to live with his flaws, and I am better being home with him than being outside and alone."

I guess not everyone are perfect, and it's on us to love them the way they are. if we can provide them the things that makes them happy, we will be appriciated, and we also deserve someone that will do the same for us. things might take time but when you accept what you can't change, and change what you can't accept, you can find your peace within yourself.

I hope I helped a little, and remember that your value is who you are, and if you will accept the imperfections of your partner, he will accept yours and the relationship will grow another layer of trust and communication
just have a conversation, a calm one, and move from there. if he just needs help to get off you can be that help.

my SO is very shy about sex, and the only porn he watches is when I send him stuff (mostly girl on girl - they know the job best (:, and he actually made progress ) so my point is that it's ok to be sexual and it's better to take part and to be there for each other, and some need it more.

I really do hope that it's not a deeper issue and it's just a cruch he is having, and you guys can improve your sex life to keep from creating a vacuum which will draw in girls that are symmetrical with nice colors
good luck!