Advice Please! How Can I Get Him to Show Affection?

[mjbf35018]

Hello All!

I'm looking for advice on a very challenging subject: showing affection over the miles during a long distance relationship. My partner and I are very different people, but our differences have always brought us closer together...in my opinion we are the prime example of "opposites attract!" However, since I had to move for work and we've started a long distance relationship, I've been struggling with one major difference between the two of us. When it comes to showing affection, he and I are very different. I've always been more affectionate verbally while he relies more on action. He loves to cuddle, hug me and help me with my everyday tasks. Whenever I have a problem he is the first to jump in with tangible assistance, whether it's fixing a broken fridge or bringing me food when I'm hungry. He's a man of action...but his words are lacking. He rarely compliments me, struggles to flirt and thinks using pet names is strange. When we were together physically, this was never a problem. I could always see his love through his actions and, though he wouldn't flirt with me on public or say cute things, he would proudly hold my hand on dates and kiss me in front of others. I never felt like the affection between us was lacking.

Now, however, it is much harder for me because we are not together physically. We text everyday and talk on the phone once or twice a week, but I feel like a lot of that affection isn't there. I know so much of the problem is that my partner can't show his affection physically, and I respect this. But, without verbal or physical affection, I feel like a lot of what we once had is harder to maintain. I've talked to him about this before and I've asked if there's any way he can start showing more affection over text and, so far, he's tried without success. I just wish he would call me a pet name or tell me small compliments, but I feel like all we're capable of is mindless small talk. I don't want to change who he is, but I honestly don't know how I can continue without affection the entire time we're apart. I love him and I know he loves me....but long distance isn't conducive to our difference in love languages.

Is there anyone else who has similar problems? Or, is there any advice on how to (politely and respectfully) ask your partner to be more affectionate verbally? Any advice is welcome! Thank you so much!

[Honour]

I don't know if I have advice, per say, but I can totally relate to you in one way. We haven't met yet. But I'm the one who compliments, sends gifts, etc. more so than my SO does. He's more laid back and easy going, and whilst he does show his affection, I have a feeling he's more physical than a man of words. It's because of our different upbringings: I was brought up in a household where accomplishments and important days to note were always met with gifts, compliments and cards, where affection was readily shown. My SO's upbringing was somewhat different: he wasn't used to anything like that, and recognition for accomplishments and important days wasn't as... clear as with my parents and I. My SO and I've had a couple of arguments because of it, mostly because it's difficult for me to imagine his upbringing, and vice versa. The only thing I can suggest is doing what I did: bring the subject up carefully, broach it and then convey to him how difficult you're finding it to cope with the way things are right now. Ask him if he could just try and be more affectionate, and keep your relationship as "normal" as possible, i.e. try and keep it as close to being CD as possible. I know it's difficult, but if you can try and get round the fact he is the way he is and you are the way you are, that you're opposites in this respect, it may come easier in time for you to deal with as well.

[Theurgist]

If he likes working with his hands then ask him to make something for you. It doesn't have to be anything intricately detailed or one-of-a-kind, but something that he has made with his own hands for you. Small knickknacks as representations of his appreciation of you. Or, if he likes singing then have him make a recording for you of him singing something that you like - even if his voice isn't pitch perfect then at least he has made the effort for you.

Those are just a couple of suggestions off the top of my head.

[BellaDonna]

I would recommend reading the Five Languages of Love as it sounds like you both have different ways of expressing and showing your love for one another. This book was very helpful to me when it came to learning my SO's primary and secondary languages of love as well as learning more about my own. :-)

[differentcountries]

My SO is similar in many ways. He is not neccesarily the best with compliments over the distance, but when we are together he showers me with acts services and with touching and spends time with me.

It is perhaps all that stranger because he looooves compliments himself.

I have however discovered that while he is not exactly a poet (he actually never writes anyone anything), he is very good with heartfelt spontanous compliments. But those are not going to come by everyday.

What we do is:
1. We switched from just using words, to include emoji. It sounds cheesy, but it works. He sends me emoji kisses almost every day, and it makes me feel more loved
2. We send each other pictures. If he cant tell me sweet things, at least he can show in his face how much he loves me and misses me. Because he lives with other people, this is easier than Skype (we only Skype about once a week)
3. We make sure to include each other in our daily/weekly tasks. When he tells me good luck, or tells me I did a good job at something I told him about, I feel loved
4. We talk about the past and past visits, as long as the future and future visits. We can remember how we touched each other, or other things that we did. We can long to be together physically. Again, it sounds really flat, but it works for us. He says that when he feels exhausted, his favourite things is me telling me that if he was in my bed, I would touch his hair and let him sleep in my chest (like we have done in that past). I too love hearing that he would kiss and hold me
5. He sends me photos of landscapes, people and pets around him. And recently, he started making and sending me videos. It makes me feel included in his life and loved.

There are still days where I wished that he could show more overt affection verbally, but at the same time I like how he does not change over the distance. He cant become a different person because it would suit me. All we can do is try to make small changes so that his personality can shine through.

[Ilovehersomuch13]

Hi, I'm a guy and my problem is that my girlfriend doesn't show me any affection. I live in the US and she lives in the Philippines. We're both Filipino and I'm here in my motherland just to be with her. I've known her since college and took the same course, in short, she was my classmate. The only problem is it still feels like we're thousands of miles away from each other even though we're inches away. That saying "so close yet so far" ... anyway, It is so difficult to show affection while far away from each other. You need to accept the fact that it will stay that way (if you haven't) ... all you need to do is show him how much you love him and that you're always there for him no matter what. If you feel like giving up, then give up. Don't make it difficult for yourself lady. I'm going through the same situation as you do. I feel like giving her freedom because I know she wants someone else to be in her life but I'm scared that she might hold grudges against me. I mean I'm not dumb enough not to see it. She sang a song about someone from the past (Thinking of you by katy perry) and another one but in my language. That crap hurt me. I did my best as her boyfriend, supported her in every ways I could. When it's time to move on, then it's time to move on. Ask him if he's still happy with whatever you guys have. Love is being selfless, keep your faith that someone will find you and someone out there is looking for you. Don't miss out on something that you can have (physically) ... it is sad, but time heals everything, remember that.

[erwin1973]

Hi, I'm a guy and my problem is that my girlfriend doesn't show me any affection. I live in the US and she lives in the Philippines. We're both Filipino and I'm here in my motherland just to be with her. I've known her since college and took the same course, in short, she was my classmate. The only problem is it still feels like we're thousands of miles away from each other even though we're inches away. That saying "so close yet so far" ... anyway, It is so difficult to show affection while far away from each other. You need to accept the fact that it will stay that way (if you haven't) ... all you need to do is show him how much you love him and that you're always there for him no matter what. If you feel like giving up, then give up. Don't make it difficult for yourself lady. I'm going through the same situation as you do. I feel like giving her freedom because I know she wants someone else to be in her life but I'm scared that she might hold grudges against me. I mean I'm not dumb enough not to see it. She sang a song about someone from the past (Thinking of you by katy perry) and another one but in my language. That crap hurt me. I did my best as her boyfriend, supported her in every ways I could. When it's time to move on, then it's time to move on. Ask him if he's still happy with whatever you guys have. Love is being selfless, keep your faith that someone will find you and someone out there is looking for you. Don't miss out on something that you can have (physically) ... it is sad, but time heals everything, remember that.

It's best to start your own thread and post your question there. In that case, you'll get more answers than here, because it's going to be overlooked.

[snow]

What we do is:
1. We switched from just using words, to include emoji. It sounds cheesy, but it works. He sends me emoji kisses almost every day, and it makes me feel more loved
2. We send each other pictures. If he cant tell me sweet things, at least he can show in his face how much he loves me and misses me. Because he lives with other people, this is easier than Skype (we only Skype about once a week)
3. We make sure to include each other in our daily/weekly tasks. When he tells me good luck, or tells me I did a good job at something I told him about, I feel loved
4. We talk about the past and past visits, as long as the future and future visits. We can remember how we touched each other, or other things that we did. We can long to be together physically. Again, it sounds really flat, but it works for us. He says that when he feels exhausted, his favourite things is me telling me that if he was in my bed, I would touch his hair and let him sleep in my chest (like we have done in that past). I too love hearing that he would kiss and hold me
5. He sends me photos of landscapes, people and pets around him. And recently, he started making and sending me videos. It makes me feel included in his life and loved.

This is solid advice. If he is more into using actions, actual actions might help - pictures of what he is doing, sending emojis that stuff could actually work.
From my own experience, I am not good with words and I don't compliment my husband nearly as much as I should. I show my love by actions and that's how we did it over the distance. I would take short videos of what I was doing or send him photos. If I found a picture that reminded me of him, I would send it to him. Unfortunately, that's just something he has to get into!