Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Am I being crazy or is it time to break it off?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Am I being crazy or is it time to break it off?

    Hopefully this won't be a essay...

    Okay, so I am 19, living in Canada and he is 18, living in Arizona US. We have been dating for 14 months and we've have three major fights, two of which were suicide inducing for me.

    The issue at hand is that my SO was getting super stressed about graduating highschool, along with being bullied by ROTC kids. I knew to give him his space since he was studying so hard and really needed to finish school. We barely talked during May, but I knew after it was over we would be able to talk more. He ended up graduating and for maybe two days we spent 48 hours just talking and having fun. Soon after that, he starts hanging out with friends more than usual. I was a little pissed because he already spends 4 nights a week seeing them, but I didn't say anything. Over the course of the next two weeks, I maybe talked to him for a total of 2 hours. This was when I was really getting pissed. I then confronted him about it, and that's when he told me he was depressed. Like having suicidal thoughts depressed. I literally gave him whatever he needed, and tried to make sure he drank water, ate some food, went outside or even just get out of bed. I knew what depression did to you and I tried my best to help him. Two weeks into this and he gets happier, he seems more confident and like the cloud is lifting. He stays like this for another 2 weeks, but still rarely talks to me. I ask him why he hasn't been replying as much, he has no answer and keeps switching the subject. It took about 3 days of trying to at least get a hello, when he snaps at me. Says I'm being pushy and needy. I'm already at my limit, and I snap at him. We fight for a few days and then come to the agreement that if he doesn't get a job by august 1st, we'll consider breaking up. It was two weeks of hell for me, until the last week of July. For some reason, he just started suddenly calling me. We had "date day" for the first time in months!! I was so happy and feeling so loved and fulfilled. He fixed enough trust that I told him I wasn't breaking up with him by the deadline. That he could continue to try. He still doesn't have a job, and the past week he hasn't talked to me at all, but I'm still waiting here for him.

    That's when I came to him with some troubling thoughts. He knows im bisexual, he knows ive been in threesomes before, he knows i can be asexual sometimes, he's well aware of my sexuality. I was having some continuous thoughts of having another lover. It's really confusing to me and although I get super jealous of like, his female cat, I was really starting to wonder if I was polygamous. I came to him with these thoughts because I trust him enough to tell him anything. He's told me before that I can tell him anything and everything no matter the context. I took this leap and told him my thoughts. He blew up. Like angry, ranting, attacking, judging me blew up. I understand that he's monogamous and me having these thoughts isn't exactly what he wants to hear. But I had assumed he would trust me enough to know that I would NEVER cheat. Plus, has he forgotten that i get jealous over him kissing his cat, and then he has to kiss me after too? I'm not coming to him saying "Oh yeah I'm currently in 3 other romantic relationships, surprise!".

    I trusted him, and he's gone and said that if I want to tell him something, there are consequences. He built up a barrier of trust and welcoming warmth, only to shatter it all on me when i had troubling thoughts. That's one of my biggest fears too. My parent's would judge me for anything they didn't like, so it takes a lot of opening up and trust for me to actually tell him something. I'm closing that part up of me now, I don't think I'll ever tell him something im worried about ever again. Not if I'll be judged for it.

    So part of me is realizing that I'm not actually polygamous. My reason behind all this is that I was having thoughts of another relationship because my current one is so shitty. I am so unhappy in it, but something just keeps pulling me back. I don't know what it is, but there is something connecting us and I can feel it. My curiosity of what will happen between us keeps me here. He still doesn't have a job, he still hasn't tried to get his passport since his mom threw out his brand new last one. His mom is still working a minimum wage job paying for everything and he doesn't even help out with paying rent, or food. He is depressed and refuses to do anything about it. He keeps spewing off all this philosophical shit, telling me what I need to do but never does it himself. He barely talks to me anymore and when he does it always seems to be so depressing. He makes plans on the fly and doesn't tell me about it, like when we had date day planned but come morning he spends all day with his friends and then falls asleep at 6pm and doesn't bother to message me till the next day if im lucky. We haven't seen each other in almost a year and while I try to make plans, he doesn't even seem concerned about visiting.

    I was going to go on about every little thing I hate about him, but that would be my anger talking. Even after all those, I still am stupidly in love with him. I won't leave him, and for that I suffer every day. Am i just being crazy and over reacting to everything? Or is he just being whatever he's being and i should pull away no matter how much it hurts me?

    #2
    You won't like what I'm about to say. With a relationship as volatile as yours, and with you both experiencing problems, I think it's time to call it quits. I see blame on both side. For starters, why in hells did you even bring up the subject of having more than one partner when he's going through a rough time and your own relationship is at breaking point? And then you feel upset/angry when he doesn't accept it? Not very tactful. And also very stupid. There's a time and a place to tell someone these sorts of things, and being able to "talk about everything" with your SO applies to the same rule.

    And there's his own behaviour. Won't get help because of his depression, for starters, is a clear sign that if he won't even help himself, what use will you trying to help him be? You can't be his psychiatrist, and it sounds like he needs real help. That's the kind of support you can't, and shouldn't have to, provide. Yes, I'm a firm believer that you should stand by your loved ones through thick and thin, but there comes a time when you need to draw a line between what's acceptable and what's not. And this isn't acceptable.

    Lastly, this line really got to me. "I was going to go on about every little thing I hate about him, but that would be my anger talking." I don't think that looks so good, do you? If you really loved someone you wouldn't write something like this about your partner. It's clear to me that whilst it might suck, and it might hurt a lot, he is in no fit state to be in a relationship and needs serious help, and I think you need to take a step back, re-evaluate what this "relationship" is doing for you (clearly not much at all, I mean, what can you get from a "relationship" like this when all you get is upset and aggro from your partner?) and walk away. You need to do some soul-searching of your own: do you truly want to pursue polygamous relationships, or is it just because you're unhappy with where you are right now? I know you said you think you know the reasons why you're feeling like this, but is it truly the case? Learn from your mistakes, consider what went wrong and why they did, and move on with your life. Because let me tell you now, if you stay with this guy, things will only continue to get worse until you're truly unhappy with everything. And that's not a good way to be.

    Comment


      #3
      The question is not whether you should cut it now but whether you can take this any longer. Which is essentially the same, I know.

      He's clearly having problems, mostly mental health related and you can't solve those, only he can. And for him to acknowledge that, go back to healthy living and be the kind of partner you desire, would be a long long process. So here's the question: would you want to continue living in this hell without having any guarantee that things will improve anytime soon? Would you endure it all for years just to see something bloom at the end, when you might be too exhausted to even want it anymore?

      I might sound like a hypocrite, I have been on/off with my ex LDR boyfriend for a while and I am still close to him and plan to visit him. I know very well what the connection that's pulling you back feels like. But the situation is too harmful for you now, keeping yourself stuck in it will make you more resentful and hurt if anything until you reach your breaking point. I am in no position to tell you whether you should end things or not but you are not exaggerating, you are in a tough position and an unhealthy relationship, and as precious as loving your partner is, there are tons of other things you need to built upon it for something to work. Love's a foundation, not the building itself.

      Comment


        #4
        There is an old saying...
        "No matter how much you love someone. If he's making you cry more often than make you smile, it's time to let go."
        That's my advice to you. You say you're unhappy, so let go.
        Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

        Comment


          #5
          Jealous of his cat? Obviously different kind of love entirely.

          Kind of agree with the other sentaments expressed here.
          Bet of luck in future though!
          Met Online: 1998
          Relationship began: January 2017

          FIRST MEETING: June 2017
          SECOND MEETING: October 2017

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by rache82 View Post
            Jealous of his cat? Obviously different kind of love entirely.
            I noticed... I choose to ignore it, though. It's kinda weard.

            @OP, when it's not working, it's just time to let go. Simple as it may sound.
            Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

            Comment

            Working...
            X