Conflicted

[SofiGonz]

Hello there, thank you for Reading me I really need some advice.
So, this week was our second-year anniversary. I don’t even know how time went by so fast. Hess sooooo faraway I don’t even know how we have made it work this long.
I was excited about being together for this long so I put a little care box for him to receive on the day, a shirt I got him as a present, a letter and some pictures.
And it has been really hard cause economically I’m not that good. I’m working and studying and I can barely afford my own things and doing this requires lots of planning and saving cause the international shipping costs are off the charts expensive! Yet I do it, now and I did on his birthday a few months ago cause I love him.
The thing is…he did not send me anything! He barely even acknowledged the day. He only said…and I quote “Happy anniversary baby”
That’s it! Nothing else, not even a sweet voice note or a longer text…nothing. He knew the date was important to me cause I told him about 2 months ago, then I reminded him a few weeks ago and then about a week before hand DHL told him he had a package on the way.
Am I so wrong to expect a lil something?! Maybe some flowers? A letter even…just something more than a 3-word message?!?!?!
I talked to him about it and he said he’s sorry and that “he cannot read my mind”. We almost got into a fight over this. I explained in the sweetest, most comprehensive tone I had that he did not have to read my mind, that I told him several times and that I need this little detail to survive the distance, to get from one date to another.
At the end he said he was sorry and that he understands and he will try to be better.
But even so I can’t help but to feel sadden by the whole thing. I feel like I try so hard to make this last, to keep us going. Let it be noted that money is absolutely no problem for him. My income is barely 5% of his and I survive on it. I hoped for something, just flowers, a romantic gesture.
Am I so wrong to want more?

[TJ-LJ]

Hello there, thank you for Reading me I really need some advice.
So, this week was our second-year anniversary. I don’t even know how time went by so fast. Hess sooooo faraway I don’t even know how we have made it work this long.
I was excited about being together for this long so I put a little care box for him to receive on the day, a shirt I got him as a present, a letter and some pictures.
And it has been really hard cause economically I’m not that good. I’m working and studying and I can barely afford my own things and doing this requires lots of planning and saving cause the international shipping costs are off the charts expensive! Yet I do it, now and I did on his birthday a few months ago cause I love him.
The thing is…he did not send me anything! He barely even acknowledged the day. He only said…and I quote “Happy anniversary baby”
That’s it! Nothing else, not even a sweet voice note or a longer text…nothing. He knew the date was important to me cause I told him about 2 months ago, then I reminded him a few weeks ago and then about a week before hand DHL told him he had a package on the way.
Am I so wrong to expect a lil something?! Maybe some flowers? A letter even…just something more than a 3-word message?!?!?!
I talked to him about it and he said he’s sorry and that “he cannot read my mind”. We almost got into a fight over this. I explained in the sweetest, most comprehensive tone I had that he did not have to read my mind, that I told him several times and that I need this little detail to survive the distance, to get from one date to another.
At the end he said he was sorry and that he understands and he will try to be better.
But even so I can’t help but to feel sadden by the whole thing. I feel like I try so hard to make this last, to keep us going. Let it be noted that money is absolutely no problem for him. My income is barely 5% of his and I survive on it. I hoped for something, just flowers, a romantic gesture.
Am I so wrong to want more?

Did he do the same on your one-year anniversary? If so, he may just not be the type to really be into the celebration of it. Not that he doesn't care, but that he's not much of a romantic. It can be very disappointing to not receive anything on a special day from your partner, or them to not put in much effort at all. But if you already knew of this character trait of his, then maybe just find a way to accept it. However, he has apologised, and if he's sincere about it, accept it and just move forward. Maybe he will put in a bit more effort and thought into it next time. To answer your question, I don't think you're wrong in wanting more from him, but if he's not a romantic person then that's just how it is. Does he show he cares and loves you in other ways? If so, just be grateful for what he does do, and not criticise for what he doesn't do.

[Rezie]

I'm gonna steal an advice that someone has told other on this site. you should look up love languages and then find put what's your and what is his. this might help in the future.

I think the problem is that you expected something that is not natural to him. maybe with all your reminding and telling you have sent something he should have figured out that you are expecting something in return but he didn't. I think he learned his lesson and next time will send you something. I don't think it's about money or lack of thought. it's just some of us are not the type to do these types of romantic gestures unless told to do so.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

I'm gonna steal an advice that someone has told other on this site. you should look up love languages and then find put what's your and what is his. this might help in the future.

I think the problem is that you expected something that is not natural to him. maybe with all your reminding and telling you have sent something he should have figured out that you are expecting something in return but he didn't. I think he learned his lesson and next time will send you something. I don't think it's about money or lack of thought. it's just some of us are not the type to do these types of romantic gestures unless told to do so.

This is just opinion, but personally I do not want to have to tell my S/O how I want to be treated, I want him to do things because he wants to not just because I asked him, seems forced. I understand that you feel hurt, I would be too because I love romantic gestures. For example, when my bf went on vacation, he brought me back a little something from his travels, nothing expensive and felt very good that he thought about me. My 1st ex didn't and I felt a little like he didn't think of me when he went on the trip. Does he ever do anything romantic? If he doesn't, you may need to consider if you can live w/that.

Also though you need to consider he may not be all that into you/ Before I met my bf, I always excused the lack of attention from guys I was dating, to maybe they show love on other ways. Idk I have a hard time believing that theory (personally, please no one take offense), but I've seen/felt the difference between a caring person and a non caring person, this could just excuse their bad behavior.

[Rezie]

I agree with you. I wouldn't want my parner to do anything to me that is forced and only because I want something. But I feel like this is one of those "no win" situations. If buying a gift doesn't come naturally or romance. And as a partner I need it in a way that he shows that he is thinking about me. But his way of showing he cares is not buying a gift but sending a message showing that he remembered. I'm still hurt he didn't show he cared eventhough he did in his way. I want him to show it my way. This was a crappy explanation but I hope you see where I'm going with this.

I was with someone whose family never ever bought presents. no birthdaypresents or Christmas presents. So that was not how he was raised to show that he cared. I've learned to ask "are we buying Christmas presents this year?" from people around he because I don't know their expectations. ANd I trust we stick to the agreement. I do realize this is not romntic but people just have very different approach and meaning of what presents are.

[autumn1790]

The thing is, letting your partner know what your love language is isn't forcing them to do what you want them to...it's open, honest communication about how you feel loved. Every one feels loved differently. If you dont let them know how you like to be loved, they will love you the way they normally do, and because you don't feel love that way necessarily, you may feel they don't show you love when in reality they just aren't speaking love in your love language. It feels embarassing to ask for what you need, but if you dont, miscommunication continues, you feel unloved, and no one is happy.

[Reyhoney]

I think you’re looking at this wrong. These kinds of things and planning surprises is really not something some men are good at, and I think if it wasn’t for the distance and if you were together in the same city he would have planned something, so maybe cause you’re far away it didn’t register with him that he should (or could) do something about it.

And my advice is if you want to give him anything don’t expect anything back, just do it because you want to, if he knew you were doing it to get something in return he’d get stubborn about it the next time, like battle of the wills.

The love languages are really really important, ask him how he likes to show appreciation and how he likes to receive it. I’m a woman but I don’t like getting gifts, not that I’m unthankful but they don’t really touch me the same way maybe because my parents never really got me gifts for occasions but I got praised, hugged, did activities together.

Maybe receiving a gift for you means so much more than to him, so let him know that, and don’t expect him to read minds. I think I’m very psychic and intuitive but I still can’t read minds.