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Thread: HELP! Do we have to break up?

  1. #1
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    HELP! Do we have to break up?

    Hello
    I'm a 23 years old from Israel, and my boyfriend is a 28 years old from Scotland.
    We've been together for 1 year and a half now, and everything is going great.
    We get to see eachother roughly every 4 months, sometimes less.

    The problem is, we both don't see a way of us living together at all, besides getting married. I'll explain.
    I'm a psychology student in the open university of Israel (online courses), so I'm sorted from the aspect of studying in the UK. BUT I don't have a european nationality, therefore I can't work in the UK at all.

    From his side:
    He just started a new, very well paying job as a housing advisor. We don't really have this job in Israel, so if he moves he'll have to start from 0, apart from learning a brand new language (hebrew). Don't forget that he's 28, that's a pretty old age to start anew.

    I don't want to get married like that. I don't think I'm ready for marriage at 23.
    I have a moral problem with getting married "for something", in order to be living together. Plus, we haven't reallly got to actually LIVE together so I'm scared to commit like that.

    I love him so much, but I just don't see a solution available. I'm trying to think rationally alone, and not let emotions take over my logic.
    I was wondering if there's any way you could help me? I'm seriously thinking about stopping this relationship just for that reason.
    Last edited by Wasn'tExpectingThat; November 3rd, 2017 at 05:23 AM.

  2. #2
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    Welcome to LDFAD!

    Quote Originally Posted by Wasn'tExpectingThat View Post
    Don't forget that he's 28, that's a pretty old age to start anew.
    Wow, I would suggest to you that you don't generalize age like that. My partner is 43 and moved to be with me, and is returning back to school for her PhD. Who am I to tell her that she is too old to go back to school so that she can further her career to live in my area? I wouldn't dream of telling her she's too old to try. Sure, it is challenging but I would not make a blanket statement that she is too old to move to my city and start over. If I had told her that, I'm certain that we would be broke up now.

    I encourage you to take it day by day and have open communication. Perhaps there are possibilities that you two haven't explored yet.

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  4. #3
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    I just started university at then the age of 27. I don't feel too old to start something new. one of my class mates is 64 years old. There is a difference in being too old to start something new and not wanting to start something new.

    that being said. have you really looked into it? UK is filled with non eu citizens. visa process is not easy by any means but being non eu citizen doesnt automatically mean you can't work
    there. also there is the option of studying.

  5. #4
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    Hey,
    I can understand you sonwell. I never wanted to get married "for something" myself. So we sucked it up and stayed long distance for almost five years until we decided to actually do the thing and get married. In the middle of this whole time I thought I would break and felt like I could not handle it anymore and actually broke up but we quickly got back together. Talking is key here. Always always talk openly. (It would have saved me from breaking his heart).

    So maybe there is a way for you to still be not married for a while until you might feel ready? Is there no option of a work and holiday type visa for you to go to the UK? Anything?

    And concerning the age/occupation situation: my husband is now 29 and will have to start from scratch here. Without getting a German degree he can only work odd jobs. He has been super motivated to learn German (only took two courses while visiting me) on his own. It can be done....if one wants it.
    Is his job the kind of thing he really wants to do? Or does he maybe have a dream he could pursue if he came to Israel?

    I know long distance sucks so much...but I believe ways can be found. Sometimes it takes longer than one would have hoped...like in our case. We have been married 7 months and spent 5 days of those together. In two days he comes on his spousal visa and we will live together - just the two of us - for the first time.

    Good luck and hang in there - if you want to.



    Met: 2006
    Started talking again online: October 2011
    Started "dating": 02/02/2012
    First meeting: July 2012 (6 weeks me to him)
    Second meeting: Christmas 2012 (8 weeks him to me)
    Third meeting: August 2013 (5 weeks me to him)
    Fourth meeting: July 2014 (3 weeks him to me)
    Fifth meeting: New Year's Eve 2014 (8 weeks him to me)
    Sixth meeting: July 2015 (11 weeks him to me)
    Seventh meeting: July 2016 (12 weeks him to me)
    Eigth meeting and getting married: December 2016 (12 weeks him to me)
    Closing the distance almost two years later than we had hoped on November 6th 2017

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    If it's any comfort, my friend just moved to Israel at 27 and is starting over, learning Hebrew It's definitely possible to start over in your late 20s! She works at a restaurant right now but hopes to move into something in her field once her Hebrew improves. She LOVES it there.

    I think that you need to discuss this with him and be very honest and open about what you want, and what you are worried about. Thinking alone will just make you think in circles and go crazy about it.

    Maybe you could study in the UK and work toward permanent residency?
    If he is making a lot of money, could you have an extended visit that could be like a test run of living together even if you can't work right away? Has he researched possible employment in Israel? Would he be willing to take a job outside his field that pays less but that he can do until he has better command of the language?

    Talk to him. See what he is open to. You cannot solve a puzzle without all of the pieces. If after talking to him you feel it inside that you are just not willing to do it, there is no shame in knowing when to quit. But communicate with him! It such an important thing to practice in any relationship. You are not in this alone, you are both in it together.
    Last edited by moondance; February 9th, 2018 at 08:59 AM.

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