I just need a little support

[Kierstin11]

Alright so my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. No doubt it was the best year of my life, and I am extremely happy with him.

But there is the problem.. I hardly get to be with him.
This past summer was filled with so much excitement and adventure. We saw each other just about everyday, even if it was just to chill at home and watch a movie.

My boyfriend is an incredible baseball player. He committed to play for the University of Notre Dame after his sophomore year of high school. To put that into perspective, I like and go to college in south-central Pennsylvania. It’s a 10 plus hour drive between us now.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly proud of his baseball accomplishments, but the craziness of a division one athlete’s schedule makes this long distance relationship even harder.

On top of that, Notre Dame doesn’t allow their players to go home for the summer. They have to play summer league baseball at an assigned location by the school. So he will be in Boston all summer... still an 8 hour drive.

Now that it’s baseball season, he’s playing and traveling every weekend and nothing is close to me. I’m a poor college nursing student... I can only work limited hours. Flights to visit him are soooo expensive.

Sometimes I get so frustrated because I’m always the one who has to do the traveling and the rearranging of plans to be able to see him. I’m the one who has to drop whatever I’m doing to be able to talk to him on the phone for 10 minutes. I’m the one who’s crying herself to sleep at night because I miss him so much.

I don’t let it “consume” me. I keep myself pretty composed throughout the day, but sometimes those nights where he says he can’t call me because of whatever stupid reason cane up, I don’t know... my emotions all surface and I lose control.

He’s sad too, to an extent I think. But he’s so busy with baseball that he barely shows or says any time of emotion like that.

He tells me he loves me all the time, but not always that he misses me, and that makes me sad too. Sometimes he’s so excited about his day that he forgets to even as about mine.. or he forgets our little monthly anniversaries... or claims he’s too busy to text me good morning some mornings.

And then when I finally can’t stand it anymore and say something to him, he gets so defensive instead of just admitting that he’s slacking on our relationship a bit.
He used to send me adorable texts at night if I would fall asleep before him, and I haven’t gotten one in months.. and I’ve even said something to him about it!
And then, to top of my frustrations, he’ll ask me to send him pictures. I don’t like to send pictures in the first place, but he makes me feel guilty for not sending them sometimes. Or he’ll ask at terrible times. Like times that he knows I’m sad. Why should I send pictures if half the time, he’s too busy to have a normal text conversation throughout the day? At that point, I want to hear about his day or tell him about mine... not listen to how much he likes my red, lacy underwear.

When he gets home on his two breaks a year, it’s right back to the way our relationship used to be. It’s like we were never apart. I know he loves me and I know that he does miss me. He is completely trustworthy and I know he would never cheat on me. I just miss him like crazy. It’s usually between a month or two between visits that only last 4 days. It’s so incredibly hard. I cry a lot and I feel really alone in this whole process because he has a very different viewpoint because of his baseball commitment than I do.

I guess the response to this that I'm looking for is if I'm over emotional about the whole thing or if I'm justified. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel in this situation, but I do know that I crying myself to sleep at night isn't my best plan..

[olivia14]

Hi Kierstin! First of all, I want to say that you are not overreacting at all. From reading what you wrote, you sound extremely supportive of your boyfriend even when he is too busy to do the same. With that being said, I do think you should have a serious talk about his effort in the relationship when you both get the chance, and you should either do it in person or over FaceTime rather than through texting. If he ignores you, you should maybe reconsider what you want out of a relationship. Time does not mean a thing in terms of treatment- you should always feel loved, even when you both are upset or angry with each other. I went through something similar with my boyfriend where I told him I felt like he didn't want to talk to me, and he changed his attitude right away because he only noticed his lack of effort when I pointed out specific examples. Even though your boyfriend is being defensive, maybe give it one or two more months and let him know that in order to be in a relationship, both people have to make sacrifices- and in your case, that doesn't mean driving 8+ hours to see him...that could simply be talking on the phone for 10-15 minutes every other day before you both go to bed. In addition, I would recommend to stop giving in to his requests because then he will realize what he actually needs to do to receive that kind of attention from you! I'm also a bio student in college so I feel your pain, and I know how hard it is to go through school feeling like you don't have your full support system. My advice to you as a person (not involving your boyfriend) would be to go out and find a friend group that takes your mind off of things. One third of college students are in LDR's, so maybe you'll find someone in a similar situation as you. Best of luck, and stay strong!!!

[Lyssa]

Hi Kierstin,

I felt like I should respond to this because I was 19 when I met my SO and you're saying a lot of the things I said eventually, too. I stopped getting the good morning texts and the excuses went from 'I've just been busy' to no excuses at all. I stopped asking and I stopped budging. I want you to do what I didn't do and really communicate and let him know how much those things mean to you. A lot of people say that the honeymoon phase has all these cutesy things like good morning and goodnight texts, but I don't think the small, simple things that matter to you in a relationship have to be part of just a phase and then just stop. I think it sounds like you're very supportive and it also sounds like he loves you right back, but that he handles being in an LDR a little differently than you. I think a lot of us can say that 2 people in an LDR handle the situation differently. Some of us - like me and you - have a hard time with it and rely on the small things to make the pain a little bit more bearable. So when the small things stop happening, at least not as frequently, we wonder how will we get through the pain?

I think the best way to talk to him about this is in person or Facetime or Skype or however way you can in a face-to-face manner and not over text message. As scary as it may be (you might think you'll push him away by telling him what you miss), it is worth communicating. You are not acting over-emotional in the least bit. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: we are some strong people on this forum. You have to be a really strong person to be in an LDR. It would be concerning if you didn't have any type of emotion like the ones you're describing. Trust me, you are certainly not alone in crying yourself to sleep. You are definitely not! Even on the good days, there's a twinge in your heart because of the whole distance thing... so the emotions will definitely get the better of you on the quieter days between you two.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. I really am. But I think it's worth talking to him about. If after you've talked to him he still doesn't get it, then you need to make that decision of what you can handle in this relationship. But I wouldn't think about that part until you give him a chance. I know you mentioned before you tried to tell him and he kind of brushed it off a little, but if you say to him that you need to have a serious talk about how you're feeling, then he might take it a little more seriously.

It's important that he knows how significant the small things are for you.

I wish you the best of luck in what you end up deciding to do and I hope that I helped at least make you feel less alone!

[jreyes21]

Hey Kierstin,

It's normal to be feeling like how you are, and I definately recommend branching out to find other people to hang out with as well. Finding in person support, and sharing it with others (especially college students) who are in LDR's relieves a lot of stress. Being able to talk to someone and share similar stories does wonders for an LDR.

I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend, she's in California and I'm in New York City. We probably see each other maybe once every 2 months if we're lucky and then we spend a lot of time with each other when I visit home (I'm from California). Like you said, it feels like the relationship is back to normal when we see each other back home.

I can try to give you the perspectve that your BF might be having in this situation. I'm a student-athlete and I run cross country and track for my college in NYC. This leaves me extremely busy throughout the year, as I have not only my academics to prioritize, but also track. It can honestly be very hard to find time to do all of the little things that my girlfriend is used too when we're together back home. She was in a similar situation like you, she felt very lonely and thought I wasn't giving her all of the attention she was used to.

She brought it up to me because she couldn't take it anymore. Naturally, like your boyfriend, I acted defensive. I guess I acted defensive because I felt stressed out with college and track, and I didn't want to accept the fact that I couldn't balance these aspects of my life as well as my GF. Maybe your boyfriend is struggling hard with his college life, he just doesn't have the time to tell you everything about what happens in his daily routine...

To resolve this situation, my girlfriend and I kept everything transparent. I told her that I truly care for her, and it might seem like I'm not giving enough attention, it's just that things get crazy as I start to hold more responsibilites. This'll naturally happen as we're both college students and we're transitioning into adulthood. My girlfriend kept everything crystal clear, she told me how she was feeling and just said she missed me. She didn't mean to force me onto the defensive, she just needed a reminder that I still love her and feel the same even when I'm busy with school. I now make an extra effort to do the little things that she's used to and message her saying I'm thankful for everything she does to keep us together.

I guess my advice is to remain transparent when talking with your boyfriend. Try to understand that you know he's extremely busy, but also remind him that a succesful relationship needs to have the same effort from both sides. Do not let a defensive reaction escalate into a fight.

Take the time to honestly listen to each other. Hope this helped!