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**samglam209** · January 21, 2011, 05:52 PM

Ok this may be a bad sounding example but have you seen the movie back up plan?
The more you say negative things to him the more he will start to believe it. How long have you been with him? If it's been more than like 6 months than he probably means it.
You need to work on yourself and your self esteem. If you believe that you and your kids are worth it then so will he.

Good luck. I know it must be hard and I'm not saying I understand what so ever but I just hope everything works out for you.

**blankita719** · January 21, 2011, 07:59 PM

Offering hugs...I also have a child from a previous relationship, and while I don't have the same issues, it is hard to take on the responsibility of helping to raise another person's child. My son's father had a child when I met him, and I loved his son just as much as I love my own. In addition, my current SO has a teenage son, and I'm learning to love his typical teenage moodiness too

So I wouldn't count him out before he gets in...he may surprise you.

**LadyMarchHare** · January 21, 2011, 09:01 PM

I agree with samglam that your self esteem needs working on. It also sounds like you have a lot of anxiety, especially about your disabled child, and whether or not your SO can "stand up to the test". I think no one who goes into parenting can ever be fully prepared for the responsibility, but you learn. I know how hard it is to have a child with autism, one of my best friends has a brother who is autistic and his parents are always caring for him and making sure he doesn't hurt himself, etc. It's hard, but they're your baby and you love them.

You gotta give your SO more credit here. The man knows your struggle and wants to help, genuinely, and is compromising his want of a child of his own to be with you, someone who, unfortunately, can't give that to him even though you want to. The guy loves you, obviously, but as mentioned if you're negative enough about all this it's gonna rub off on others or put them off. Take a deep breath, have a cookie or a nice treat, and relax.

**Michelle** · January 21, 2011, 09:29 PM

I don't think anyone would understand the responsibility or how hard it is to raise a mentally disabled child until they've actually done it. He could read all the books in the world on it, but he won't fully understand until he actually is with you and is helping you raise your son. You might be worried about whether or not he'll be able to handle it, but he at least deserves a chance to prove himself.

If he is happy with you and loves you, then YOU are what he wants. No one else. We all have had a definition for the ideal partner we would all like to have... most of us won't ever find someone that fits that definition perfectly simply because it would be impossible; no one is perfect. But when we fall in love with someone we end up loving them for who they are, faults and all, and we become willing to sacrifice a few of those things that may have been on our "Ideal Partner" list, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

So don't question what he wants. He may have wanted children of his own at one point in his life. But if he is still with you, then he really loves you, and you must be more important to him than anything, even more important than having his own child. If that were really more important to him, he would have already been gone.

I have always wanted children too, but say Frank goes to the doctor and finds out he's sterile or maybe he decides he doesn't want children at all, and he decided to let me go, thinking it is for my own good and that I could lead a happier life with someone else who could give me the children I always wanted... I would be devastatingly heartbroken beyond words. No one could replace Frank. I would be happier with him childless than with someone else who could have children with me.

**Teakany** · January 21, 2011, 10:58 PM

I think your right.. Its just need to relax and give him a chance. I think it's less about my self esteem and more about my fear of another man abandoning my kids again. I need to work past it and get over it. I'm sure I'd be just as nervous, if not MORE, with anyone else. Thank you all for the support and reassurance.

I'm gonna work on getting past this. the parts I can't work past I'm just going to have to accept.

**LadyMarchHare** · January 22, 2011, 05:43 AM

Well the self esteem part comes up in your mentioning the him wanting a kid of his own, you made it sound like you were really putting yourself down about it. Everyone has moments where they feel they won't be good enough or that some flaw will cause a rift. But I can understand your fear and I hope you can work past it not just for you, but for your kids and SO. You've been strong thus far in taking care of them without a man's help and I applaud you for it as I know it's not easy. Best of luck to you, hon.

**murphfan51** · January 22, 2011, 06:41 AM

Originally posted by Michelle View Post

I have always wanted children too, but say Frank goes to the doctor and finds out he's sterile or maybe he decides he doesn't want children at all, and he decided to let me go, thinking it is for my own good and that I could lead a happier life with someone else who could give me the children I always wanted... I would be devastatingly heartbroken beyond words. No one could replace Frank. I would be happier with him childless than with someone else who could have children with me.

Thats beautiful!

Exactly how I feel about my boy, I would love kids just like him but I rather be childless and have him!

My perfect ray of sunshine!

Teakany, you sounds like an amazing person, you have so much on your plate! But you are strong!

See how it all works out!

All the best to you!

**murphfan51** · January 22, 2011, 06:41 AM

Originally posted by Michelle View Post

I have always wanted children too, but say Frank goes to the doctor and finds out he's sterile or maybe he decides he doesn't want children at all, and he decided to let me go, thinking it is for my own good and that I could lead a happier life with someone else who could give me the children I always wanted... I would be devastatingly heartbroken beyond words. No one could replace Frank. I would be happier with him childless than with someone else who could have children with me.

Thats beautiful!

Exactly how I feel about my boy, I would love kids just like him but I rather be childless and have him!

My perfect ray of sunshine!

Teakany, you sounds like an amazing person, you have so much on your plate! But you are strong!

See how it all works out!

All the best to you!

**Silviar** · January 22, 2011, 06:53 AM

I'm glad you're getting use out of the advice - I felt compelled to comment on this section as someone who HAS lived with a special needs child. My brother was born mentally and physically disabled. We have, as a family, taken care of all of his needs since then, and now at 17, he's still mentally at the age of a 2 year old. It will be this way for the rest of his life. I know what that's like. And you're right, people who've never done it can't fully comprehend the work that it takes.

What you forget to mention, though, is the joy and zest for life they can give you. Even though taking care of a special needs child can be difficult, they teach you things about life that you my never experience or realize. And when someone loves you, they are willing to have that hard work for that payoff - the same as being with the person you love requires lots of hard work for that payoff of a happy, stable relationship.

I would suggest having him come up, perhaps for a week or even a month at a time if you can swing it at some point, so he can start seeing what it's like taking care of your children. Depending on the level of autism your child has, you may want to educate him on how your child will respond differently to certain things than a non-autistic child so he understands what's going on. Just remember that he hasn't grown up with this, but he can certainly catch up quick with you help.

**Silviar** · January 22, 2011, 06:53 AM

I'm glad you're getting use out of the advice - I felt compelled to comment on this section as someone who HAS lived with a special needs child. My brother was born mentally and physically disabled. We have, as a family, taken care of all of his needs since then, and now at 17, he's still mentally at the age of a 2 year old. It will be this way for the rest of his life. I know what that's like. And you're right, people who've never done it can't fully comprehend the work that it takes.

What you forget to mention, though, is the joy and zest for life they can give you. Even though taking care of a special needs child can be difficult, they teach you things about life that you my never experience or realize. And when someone loves you, they are willing to have that hard work for that payoff - the same as being with the person you love requires lots of hard work for that payoff of a happy, stable relationship.

I would suggest having him come up, perhaps for a week or even a month at a time if you can swing it at some point, so he can start seeing what it's like taking care of your children. Depending on the level of autism your child has, you may want to educate him on how your child will respond differently to certain things than a non-autistic child so he understands what's going on. Just remember that he hasn't grown up with this, but he can certainly catch up quick with you help.

**Teakany** · January 22, 2011, 01:42 PM

Originally posted by Silviar View Post

I'm glad you're getting use out of the advice - I felt compelled to comment on this section as someone who HAS lived with a special needs child. My brother was born mentally and physically disabled. We have, as a family, taken care of all of his needs since then, and now at 17, he's still mentally at the age of a 2 year old. It will be this way for the rest of his life. I know what that's like. And you're right, people who've never done it can't fully comprehend the work that it takes.

What you forget to mention, though, is the joy and zest for life they can give you. Even though taking care of a special needs child can be difficult, they teach you things about life that you my never experience or realize. And when someone loves you, they are willing to have that hard work for that payoff - the same as being with the person you love requires lots of hard work for that payoff of a happy, stable relationship.

I would suggest having him come up, perhaps for a week or even a month at a time if you can swing it at some point, so he can start seeing what it's like taking care of your children. Depending on the level of autism your child has, you may want to educate him on how your child will respond differently to certain things than a non-autistic child so he understands what's going on. Just remember that he hasn't grown up with this, but he can certainly catch up quick with you help.

thank you, Its nice to hear the encouraging words from everyone, but having someone who knows how it can be a struggle is even more reassuring. I'm trying to educate him slowly. Unfortunetly the first time he meets my kids will be the week before he makes the move out to manitoba. He'll be living seperatly from us, so he can take it all slowly. I'm also just learning the ropes myself. I just hope We can be strong enough together to deal with this.

@ LadyMarchHare

thank you, I really hope i can find a way to get past it. The news is all so freash i suppose this could all just take time. the LD makes it a little harder because you don't have that physical reassurance of a hug or a touch. but I guess I can look at it with the "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I just need to adjust to it.

sorry for sounding like such a downer >.< I'm usually a very optimistic person, this is all just hitting me pretty hard and fast.

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not sure he fully understands...

not sure he fully understands...

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