a very long, sad, and rumbling letter that I will NOT send to him :'(

[Miramaid]

Do you know how much I want to be called "my redheaded happiness" every morning you wake up? Do you know how REALLY important for me to hear "I love you" many times every day and not like a "whats up" thing, but with all the meaning in the world in those words? Do you know how it melts my heart when you do nice things for me not because you screwed up, but because you like when I smile and you want to make me smile. Do you remember when was the last time you did something like that for me to just make me smile and happy for no reason at all? Long time ago. Do you know how much I want you to WANT to do those things every day? Do you know how I want to be the first priority in your life, and not 10th or 3rd or second? Do you know how much I want to feel that I am loved so much that I just KNOW i can completely rely on you in EVERY difficult situation and YES that you are strong and I can hide from everything behind your back because you WILL protect me and you WILL be strong for both of us if needed. Do you know how important for me to...how painful it is to always be first to call to talk about issues? Do you know how REALLY important it is for me that you do not shut down or freak out when there is a conflict or misunderstanding and how important it is for me that you remain calm and LOVING (LOVING!!!) and still kiss and hug me and not turn away from me, hang up on me, leave me (etc) and not talk to me for days? Do you know how I important it is to me to know that you are making every effort to make me happy because YOU WANT TO MAKE ME HAPPY not because I want you to. Do you have any idea how much I was hurt after our last big argument when you let me leave your house, let me be in downtown alone on Saturday nigth for 2 hours and you never called to check where I was or did not care at all, did not talk to me when I returned and let me sleep on the couch... how painful it was to realize that not only you did not want me as a woman,but you did not care about my safety or emotional comfort or what was going on inside of me? Do you know that that was the rock bottom for me that we both hit? That I only gave it a chance because when you showed up at my door I did not know what to do coz I did not expect to ever see you again, and yes because I do love you very much and I will probably never loose hope, but I will get tired and I am. I need to be loved. I need to be pampered! Yes I am a woman and I want to be taken care of! I want to be the redheaded happiness who is making your life happy with my existence in this world and not because you expect me to do things for you and if I do not do them right or do not do them at all you will stop loving me? Do you know how important it is for me to be sure that you will neglect the whole world rather than neglect me? Do you know how I feel STILL about the fact that after our very first sex when I had a surgery the next day you DID NOT COME to visit me and how unimportant I felt and how I felt that whatever happened between us the night before did not matter a thing to you and neither did I? Yes you just simply DID NOT THINK about coming and DID NOT THINK that I was hoping you would come coz everyone would! Other people came, my friends checked on me, Dalia was the one to bring me food, people called me...you only texted. You did not even call... Not because you did not like me at the time, you just DID NOT THINK ABOUT IT. But do you know how it is still in my mind that you DID NOT THINK and how important it is to me that YOU DO THINK about things like that, that you DO THINK about what would possibly just put a smile on my face every day?
Have you noticed that I stopped doing the little things I used to do for you? Do you know how important it is for me to show my love in the ways that I can and how much it freaking hurts when me showing my love is making you uncomfortable? So I stopped and to be honest I do not feel like doing anything any more. All the things I did for you: pizzas, letters, telegrams, videos, little care packages, cute emails - are all the things I would LOVE to do for you because I love you and it HURTS that you do not feel happy when I do them for you! Do you know how I would LOVE for you to do similar things for me but you don't! You will say "well that is NOT me" well then HOW do you show your love? Just by being in a relationship with? That is NOT enough! You have to feed love! Love needs romance, love needs advancement! When people feed each other love and do things for each other and move forward and commit for life and make a family later on and all that! Do you know how important it is for me that instead of being sad in the time of having all this crap at school you would SURPRISE me with something on our anniversary rather than giving me a hard time about not being with you and taking time to do my exam? But you again just DID NOT THINK about it. You only thought about me having other plans which I do not. I just want to have at least ONE DAY of not worrying about anything at all: school, you, family, my heath, money, our recent break up that REALLY CRUSHED ME and yes I am still getting out of it and still getting in a mode of working it out. Do you know how much I would LOVE to have at least one week of not worrying about something you said or did not say. Like we used to in the very beginning. How much I would want to at least once hear "School sucks but it is life baby I will get through this. I have you - my red headed happiness so I am the lucky man!" Do you know how much I would love to be surprised with something THOUGHTFUL that you did for me for no reason at all, something that you really thought about, something that would really touch my heart, something that would make ME happy? Do you know how much I need to know that we wont be on a distance for many and many years and that we will have endless plans to not allow that to happen? Do you know how important it is for me to know that my man WILL sacrifice things for me if needed? That my man WILL marry me because I am the right one? That my man WILL try to change and be a better man because he WANTS TO BE the best man he can be for me? Do you know how much I would want my man to try and take problems away from me if he can or help me through them if he can't and be with me emotionally and say all the loving words in the world and make me feel good just because you are next to me?
Do you know how sad it is to be with someone who is always sad and sees everything is such a negative way? Do you know how much I want to feel like I am something POSITIVE in your life?
Do you know how much it hurts not to be on your Facebook when all the other people are? Do you know how that makes me feel that I am not nearly as important as a woman you love should be to you because you do not want me to be in certain areas of your life? Do you know that I started taking anti-depressants because I could not handle our relationship problems any more and it was taking a toll on me? How I am damaged over out 4 break ups that happened this year! Actually 5. In ONE year you broke up with me 5 times! Do you know how much it hurts to walk on egg shells? And most importantly do you know why I am still with you? Because I am (may be naively) still hoping that you will HEAR me and you will WANT to make me happy because I am not asking for much. And because I KNOW that you CAN do those things you just do not do that. I do not know why. May be afraid to loose your man card or appear weak if you just do things for a girl to make her happy and make her your world.
You are trying and I can see how you do try to control your anger issues and not call me names or yell at me or freak out as much as you used to. I see that and I am happy about it and I appreciate it. But I still a lot of times feel like I am not important enough for you. And I need romance in our relationship and I need to be touched, I need to have sex with you when I am near you coz to me it is another representation of LOVE between two people, I need you to care about my well-being and health...I need you to make me smile more often coz I have been crying more than smiling. You know I love you. I have shown that to you. I have been with you through all the crap and I am still working on improving our relationship and better myself (that is why I am in therapy). But I can't do it alone I need you to try to be LOVING and TENDER and YES I know it is not YOU but I need you to TRY to develop that part of you coz you do have it and that is something I am craving SOOO BAD! Jeeez :'( x 100000

[8000miles]

Why aren't you going to send this to him?

[Sano]

SEND THAT FRIGGIN LETTER CHICKIE!

[Mizpah]

Why aren't you going to send it? Is it because you know in your heart that he isn't going to change? Send it anyway, and then you can tell yourself you tried everything. If it works, I'll be happy for you, but if it doesn't, you need to stand up for yourself and end this. It isn't fair to you. I have been there before, and stayed for all the wrong reasons, one of which was the fear of being alone. Well, I was alone for only three months and one day before I found the real love of my life who didn't hurt, reject, minimize, neglect, and exhaust me. By trying to force this, you could be missing out on someone who will really love and cherish you the way you need to be loved and cherished. Don't risk that.

[Jonesonaboat]

This really doesn't sound like a happy relationship.
I know this was just a vent and I'm not sure if you're looking for others oppinions, but do you think you're worth all this pain? Don't you think you deserve more than what he is giving you.

[PucasKitten]

Send it to him. This is not healthy at all.

[Miramaid]

I am afraid to send it. We argued and haven't talked for 2 days now. Tomorrow is our 1 year anniversary and I bet you we will not talk still and he will not make it special...I am sure about it. And if I send it I guess it will make everything even worse than it is :'(

[Moon]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. After reading through your letter, I'm left wondering if your expectations are a little bit skewed, or maybe the two of you have styles that are just too different to last in the long-term. I'll try to explain...

In the beginning, relationships are full of loving romance, and feeling like you're higher than a kite all the time. Unfortunately, it almost never lasts very long. It may be unrealistic of you to expect to be told "I love you" many times a day, in a completely meaningful way, and I think it's very unrealistic to expect him to always be doing special things for you. Just your existence alone is never, ever going to be enough to keep someone happy, you HAVE to contribute to the relationship to do that. I know you are contributing, I'm just saying. Unfortunately, the excessive amount of romantic comedies, romance novels, TV shows, and those godawful women's mags lead us to believe differently, that we're all such special little snowflakes, that breathing entitles us to have men grovel for our attention. They make us think that every other man, except our own, is coming home with flowers everynight, and buying us whatever we want, and then surprising us with things with whatever time or money he has left. Sadly, that's not reality.

Some, a very, very few, DO do this, but that is part of their nature, most men can't and won't behave that way.

That being said, it sounds like you and he are very different when it comes to dealing with a relationship, I don't think its nearly as important to him, as it is to you. You deserve to be with someone who's relationship style more matches your own, because most people can't just change so easily. They try, and might do OK for a while, but they inevitably change back.

You really have only 2 choices here, leave and find someone who's style is more like your own, or accept him as he is. You've already talked to him, now the ball's in his court, so to speak. Yes, he should make more of an effort though, that's compromise, and that's what real-life relationships are all about. If he won't compromise at all, then you know what you've got to do, even if the romance stuff "isn't him", he should at least try a little harder to make you feel better.

I hope this didn't sound harsh, it wasn't meant to at all, and I hope you can find a way to make things work out for you. Good luck.

[Mara]

You can't walk around on eggshells with him though. Maybe this letter is what he needs to understand how you feel and what you need/want out of this relationship. I wouldn't send it to him now because anything you say when he's already mad isn't going to be heard, but I'd wait until he's cooled down and send it. If he isn't willing to put any work into this relationship he doesn't deserve you.

[Kristie]

Reading made me teary eyed. You should send him the letter and if you see that he doesn't care, you need to move on. Remember that you are an independent woman, it is better to be alone than wasting your time with someone that might not value what they have.

[prinzeza87]

send it hon! like the ones b4 me said it, if he doesnt change u need to move on, u sure DONT deserve to be in that relationship , u deserve way better, open ur eyes dont be afraid of be alone, i would rather be alone than like that. if u do move on a leave him, it will hurt u, u will go through emotional pain, its part of a process but w time u will heal. keep us up dated. xoxo n good luck!

[Hannahbaby16]

I'm going to have to agree with everyone else...
SEND THAT LETTER.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

I'm really sorry about all those things you wrote. Big hug.
If I were you. though, I would wait for a guy to give his opinion on this letter before I send it.

[Mizpah]

I am afraid to send it. We argued and haven't talked for 2 days now. Tomorrow is our 1 year anniversary and I bet you we will not talk still and he will not make it special...I am sure about it. And if I send it I guess it will make everything even worse than it is :'(

How could it be worse? Honestly. You need to send the letter, and he needs to know how you feel. Any relationship needs good communication, but it is the life of an LDR.

[Malaga]

This is such a sad letter and I'm really sorry for all you're going through

Allow me to offer a different perspective. If you're willing to continue and improve this relationship, don't send this letter. It's heartbreaking and he will probably feel very guilty after reading it. But making him feel guilty might not work out the way you expect it to. IMO people don't handle guilt very well, they often get defensive or simply decide they disappointed you beyond repair and shut down. And in my experience, this applies to men in particular.

Do by all means address these points with him, it's necessary if you want to expel frustration and improve the relationship. But try to do it in a less emotional way. I also agree with what Moon said, and I think it'd be very helpful if you could think go through all this with a cool head and see which of these expectations are realistic, and then stick by them. The calmer you are, the more he'll take you seriously.

I wish you all the luck in the world x