I am still in Toronto,my SO at home and things are good actually.I hope to see him in a month or so,but damn these days have been unusually hard for me.I am really sick and tired of Canada,being alone 24/7 and just not being able to do anything (lack of money or lack of activities that I find interesting haha).So feels like I am just sitting in my room all the time trying not to die of boredom and loneliness.I know,I know,I should go out and make friends,I was trying but well,did not work out,I really am not interested as much in hockey and pop-culture
Plus damn weather,constantly negative.Or maybe I am throwing excuses again,seems more like that.So summing up,I really think I may be in depression,like a real one,not the kind of soap-opera,where a kg of choco Ben & Jerry cures it.Plus because of too much free time I am THINKING,which is not cool at all.For examlpe,I am getting super anxious and scared thinking "what if?" Like what if I meet another guy and fall in love and I will again be the bitch leaving people behind? There is this common friend of ours who is really cool and well handsome,and admitting that I feel immensely guilty,sort of mind-cheating on my SO,because well,I am thinking of other man and I dare finding him attractive.I mean come on.I understand what kind of weird stuff is that and it sounds totally meaningless.However,this thing keeps bothering me,I am scared that I will come home and meet this dude in person and fall in love and well,thats it.The problem is not even that I really like him or whatever,I did not even meet him live for like 5-7 years,the problem is that I keep thinking of that and persuading myself in something that will never come true.I love my SO,I wanna spend my life with him and he is the best what happened to me in life.But I just cant make it stop,all these crappy thoughts,I am scared that similar thing will happen as before: all of a sudden I would stop feeling anything towards him or something would just occure and change all my life upside down.As well,I am just tired.Overall I have been in LDRs from 2009.I am tired of constantly thinking,being anxious and struggling.I want cuddles,hot chocolate and NOT THINKING.Please.I guess I really needed to let go everything from my mind in my blog so I will try and struggle with all that as new day comes.But since its 00.22,I am allowed to whine for a bit,right?
