According to the USPS tracking service (which suuuuuucks) his bracelet should be in his mailbox when he comes home today. I wonder if mine'll be today or tomorrow, I had a dream this morning I was wearing mine. He probably won't wear it, I can't imagine him being the type to wear those bracelets and I know he can't wear it to work, but I thought at the very least it'd be special because we'd both have one so it'd be like we had a physical connection somehow. I'unno I'm stupid.
Haven't been feeling well. I've been getting these awful headaches where my entire head hurts, I'm sensitive to light, and every movement of my body or eyes causes dizziness. In fact yesterday I had two, and I kinda feel another one coming on right now. The sites I visited say to go to the doctor because of the frequency, but I only have medicare since I'm on disability and my mom's unemployed and I know they'll wanna run a plethora of tests. I'm not sure if my insurance will cover those or how well. They said it might also be anxiety/stress, which I've been gorging on the past two weeks since that failed visit attempt. Now I feel myself crashing into a manic depression, which is never good, and my only lifeline right now won't even return my texts. He was online not 20 minutes before I got up, I saw he visited my deviantart page and the timestamp, but he didn't IM me. He knows I don't mind if he wakes me up, he's done it before.
I'unno I guess this is the depression/paranoia talking, I just feel like I'm being avoided for whatever reason. He never answered my text yesterday when I asked how he was feeling since the last time we'd spoken he'd been dead tired from working until 2 am and it broke my heart to know his work's being so brutal. Can't call, I don't know his hours since they're sporadic because it's summer, and apparently texting's about as useful as a butter knife cutting a lead pipe. Bah, I hate these moments because I end up a ball of tears and crazy, chewing on a boxcutter and then have to deal with the shame when he finds out and nearly throttles me for trying to hurt myself while beating himself up for not being around more. Can I be considered the SO that needs to be dropped because of their issues? It's not like I'm saying "be here or I'll cut myself!" I just fall into pits and can't always climb out, I can't control my moods any more than I can control the weather. Makes me feel like a burden, which I guess is why I'm constantly afraid if I tell him these things he'll leave or hate himself more.
Kinda wish I had something from him to hold onto when I'm sad. The best I have is a stuffed bunny I bought two years ago. Kinda dumb a few weeks ago I tried finding a leather jacket that looked exactly like the one he always wears so I could pretend it was his. Didn't work, they don't make ones like his anymore.
Better just go back to bed. If I stay up the headache will get worse and I'll end up doing something I'll feel stupid for like the Tuesday before last when I called his phone for 3 hours nonstop because I hadn't heard from him in 2 days and my best friend was telling me he was a liar, a rapist, and a bastard. Never cried so much in my life, that day. I'm stupid, I do stupid things because I can't think like this. Guh you people are gonna hate me I get like this a lot and tend to wanna make it public somewhere just to feel like I'm heard.
EDIT: Yep knew I'd hate myself. Slept a bit longer and got a text from Hattie replying to the one I sent before I knocked out (basically sending him a little hug) and I feel better about that. Mood's shifted entirely, which I was expecting when I woke up. Ah the joys of being bipolar.