Sort of a musing based on what I read from jonnysgirl21's entry "Difference/Change". It's 3 am, gimme a break. XD

Some people go through life and just ride the waves as they go, letting the world take them wherever it wanted. Others sit down and pencil in everything they want, how to get it, and by when. I'm the latter. I've never had control over my life or what I got to do when I was younger (see: controlling, paranoid, abusive father) so when I stepped into the limelight of my teenage years, I busted out. I was planning my future, what I would do and how I'd do it and working towards it all. Funny thing is I tend to shift my decisions so at one point I wanted to be an actress, then the next I actually wanted to be a mortician, sat on the idea of writing or singing, etc etc. Point being despite the shifts I was never looking to fill one slot in my life--romance.

That kinda reads like a bad novel, huh? Haha, really it's true. I'd had crushes through the years, a really great guy friend who bought me 'pound purries' (does anyone remember those?), but never a boyfriend. And I understood why, especially when I was about 12. I chopped off all my hair to have it spiked, I wore leather, silver, and black (mainly to make my dad angry since he liked dressing me up like a baby doll) and I kicked my sarcasm and general dislike for people, double for men, on high. It didn't help with my insecurity and sure as hell didn't help when I, gasp, actually liked a guy. But it was who I was, who I wanted to be. Online I could casually flirt (ok I call it 'playing around' yet I can see where it can be flirting) and not get judged by how I dressed. But even so I wasn't about to do the 'online boyfriend' thing. Every chick was doing that and they'd know them for 2 days, know only their screenname, and wet themselves with "love". Yeah, not for me.

By about 15 I resigned myself to celibacy because honestly I was getting dead tired of trying when I, still, sported short hair and tended to wear black t shirts even though I quit the whole "pseudo-goth" thing like a year before. About 18 I came across the term asexual through a musician I liked and pretty much knew that's what I was. I had stopped ogling guys, crushing on any, and just said to hell with a relationship I know where I'm going. Plus, y'know, I could never imagine a guy A) wanting to sleep with me, B) being able to handle my sarcasm (I've lost friends to it), and C) handle everything that comes with all my mental problems. Better off not dealing with the stress.

But ah life, how thou doth change. You present to me the man I idolized for his writing capabilities for near 8 years, reveal to me the knowledge he carried a flame for me all this time BECAUSE of the way I acted, and offer me the key to his heart just as I allowed the key to mine to be presented. Insertion, a slight twist of one's wrist with the shift of the key, an audible click...

Now all my carefully laid out plans are in the dust, trampled and breathing no more. Of course, their fate was sealed when I took his hand, figuratively, for now I must reshape it all with a replacement for "me": we.