Two part-er, though the latter ties in with the former.

Some people will have seen my rant in the Rant Thread from earlier and this is a more calm explanation of what's going on since I'm in a better state of mind.

I mentioned last week I sent Hattie a package with webcam, candy, mic, and a USB port stick full of songs that reminded me of him, us, and ones I thought he'd enjoy, a few pictures, a short video clip of me being an idiot, and just for fun I even put a readme document in there with instructions, telling him to repeat it all whenever he's lonely. For the past couple months that's been a major issue with him, loneliness, because he's working such hours I don't think he even has time for the friends he has there in person. I've been upping my ante since then to find ways to tell him I loved him and that I was here for him no matter what and to contact me whenever. I've stated since the beginning: call me, text me, IM me at whatever hour you need me, even at 3 am or when you know I've just fallen asleep. The phone is at my side everywhere, I will reply and not complain. Has he done it? No. Once or twice he's woken me up but he feels bad about it.

Back to my original point, he told me Thursday in a text he got it and he seemed pretty happy about the new webcam. That afternoon we even joked around about his ugly couch having a best friend. Yesterday (as it's 2 am on a Saturday for me) we texted around 1 pm and joked around still and I thought perhaps he was feeling better because that's basically two days in a row we held a small text conversation. So imagine my surprise when I check Gaia (the site we met on and still use) to see he not only changed his username, which is nothing new, but his status there was just a string of laughter. Whenever I go off the deep end, I tend to change my AIM status to laughter because that's honestly all I can think is just to be that level of crazy and laugh. Concerned I check AIM and his status there was changed (both 2 hours prior to my checking, so it was about 9 pm and I was online at the time) to something about 'carving out all my veins'. Again I'll put destructive statuses when I'm in a foul mood so all I figured was he had a stressful day at work and was venting it this way as I do. For whatever reason I checked his Gaia journal (originally I wanted to just see if he mentioned why he changed his username) and came across an entry written about half an hour later than his statuses, speaking about various things amounting to his thinking he had to move on and cut the dead weight off himself friend-wise and that he was truly a monster, the last line being "Might as well mutilate myself, now that I'm completely alone."

I'm not sure if it SHOULD have been my first reaction, but reading that last half of the final sentence, it felt like I'd been slapped. I suppose because I'd worked so hard to do little things like text him every day and send him things and so on to remind him he wasn't alone. It was like my efforts were for naught, losing my dignity in things such as the video or writing the love letter I sent earlier in the month (which took me 3 hours because it was so hard and embarrassing to admit to the things I was saying like how I fell in love with him or some other more adult things) was in vain. I wasn't offended, I was heartbroken and then angry that he dared say he was alone when, as I mentioned, I've worked my fat ass off to try and stop him from thinking that. I know he's never had someone to completely trust because there are facets to both of us that are not normal in the least (though I can admit to mine because I just flat out stopped caring what others think) but I would have thought all my reinforcing would have made a dent by now. Heather (who's trying to be better and is actually sorry about May) told me I can't fix him and that he may be a bit toxic if he acts this morbidly when he's upset. I don't expect anyone to understand the entire situation because I think there's a lot more to this relationship that is, to most, very unhealthy and just a tad too crazy but it's love, it isn't gonna be normal.

My thing was I didn't know how to handle it. If I approached him angry, he might not do anything next time and I'll be oblivious while he carves into his thigh with a boxcutter again. If I didn't address my hurt I'd be doing us both a disservice and I wouldn't feel it resolved. In the end I ended up doing what happens when I can't control my reality--I throw it into 3rd person and write. He wanted to take the tone of a madman climbing into the darkness to be alone, I'd take the tone of a voice of reason thrusting light into the eyes of the madman. "If one does nothing but slink into darkness when wounded to bleed in silence, then one truly is completely alone. Seek not the darkness, seek only the truth that I AM HERE." Yes I have a weird way of dealing with stress. I figured it addressed not only his problem, but mine. Of course I sent that at midnight and he's sleeping so he'll get it whenever he checks his phone tomorrow and that's the part I'm dreading. He'll either be better and not remember writing all that or he'll be mad I snooped just a bit. Why am I here, then, if not to make him happy? I feel like I'm going to end up dumped to "save me" or some bullshit.

By 1 am (I had discovered this all at midnight) I was shaking, literally, near tears, and I just wanted to scream. Despite living in a bad neighborhood where it's a weekly thing to call the cops for hearing gunshots I grabbed my phone, a boxcutter for protection, and headed out to just walk and, ultimately, talk to myself. I can type it out and feel better most times but I needed to talk and pretend I was fussing and fuming at him and I couldn't do it in the house because there's no privacy. I hiked only a block, stood on the street corner, and just talked until I felt less angry and just more depressed and hurt. I'm not even out 10 minutes and I get scared and hurry back to the house only to see a 4 month old kitten sitting in the grass by the house. Let it be known I am notorious for catching stray kittens and keeping them because I just love cats and helping animals. Anger forgotten I crouched and talked to it, but it wouldn't have a thing to do with me. So I tried meowing, sure enough it comes right over and lets me pick it up, purring. I walk in the house with it and am immediately greeted with my mom's "oh no, not again. I KNEW you went out there for something!" Had it in the house all of an hour before we put it back out because mom thinks it's the neighbor across the street's cat. It wouldn't leave so I had to distract it to go inside without my new friend who I secretly named "Taiga" after Hattie's nickname because he identifies with tigers and cats in general. That and the kitty was a gray tabby so it had stripes. If it's still there by morning I'm at least feeding it. I can't condone keeping cats outside, and the thing was thin.

I told Heather after I let it go, karma is very strange when I'm very upset. The last 4 cats (this one being the 5th) have all shown up when I'm in distress. Tobi, our oldest, was gotten a week after my 17 year old cat Rusty died in 07. Annie, the second oldest, was found by me outside the house when she was only a month old right after I had my mental breakdown that caused me to skip the last month of my junior year of high school (and what got me started on this pill roller coaster). Oreo, who we ended up having to give to a rescue group because he was old enough to be aggressive towards the other cats, was found when I began the home bound program my senior year which was stressful because I had to do 2 grade years-worth of work at home by myself. And Pip, who is turning 1 next week, was found right after I quit the second outpatient clinic/rehab center last September after I had started hearing homicidal voices and wanted to kill myself, again. And then there's tonight's kitty. So yeah, I think someone sees me, shakes its head, and throws a cat my way.