So NYC had its first snowstorm...and in October....before Halloween...i guess its ok to dress up as Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer for halloween right? lmao

Anyways im studying for my history final and i think I'll do good and my birthday is less than a week away. Now I have an idea that if my BF doesnt remember or communicates with my on the day or a day b4 or after my BDAY then i will call him up and just casually ask, "Do you still love me?"

You see im insecure when it comes to this whole love thing...im a paranoid freak. Lets just say that my father ruined my perception of men, its hard for me to think...to believe that men have feelings, so when a guy is emotional or shows some feelings it comes to me as a shock. I actually thought that men were not capable of love...its weird and sad and messed up, I know. But please understand that my dad is great at putting food on the table and clothes on my back but he lacks on the emotional and feeling side.

So when my BF was flirty with my i loooooved it...and well he was the first guy i ever flirted with....and when he asked me to be his GF it was kinda romantic...and afterwards he would send links to songs and say that thats how he felt...but lately we havent been talking alot and the last few times that we did he didnt say I love you as usual...i guess what i want..what i need is for him to reassure me that he loves me. I love him...but im scared that his love for me died.

I saw him in July...and during our first makeout session (and only -__-) he said I love you...now i see that as him being sincere since he was in his weakest point...well we were vulnerable. lol anyways he was awesome...but before i left he became cold...well sorted of withdrew and my mom noticed that change of personality i thought he was mad because we didnt go further or maybe i had done something wrong but he reassured me that it had nothing to do with me, that he was tired. (we sorta didnt have a lot of sleep, he barely slept from the moment i arrived lol) And when i got home from the whole thing I read something that said that there were two types of behaviors when it came to saying goodbye.

One of them was the behavior in which the person wants to spend all the time left with that person before they leave, and will ge all emotional at the time of departure. (ME)

The other behavior was that the person would withdraw, sort of act as if you weren't there, its their way of protecting themselves from the pain involved in saying goodbye, its a defense mechanism, and eventhough it hurts the other person but they dont mean to do it, they try to go back into their normal everyday routine so nothing is disturbed. (HIM)

I guess we are in some ways opposites but we can have things in common...it hurt when he went into withdrawl but now i understand...is it possible that love or feelings can die out over time? You see we had this thing...crush going on for almost 2-3 years...sort of ignoring it at first...forgetting bout each other but then it came back and we're close to our one year anniversary!!!

..............................im trying to be optimistic...but its hard. He is my first love...................im scared.