But the truth is, all of this is nothing. Water under the bridge. Because my mood entirely depends on how he is with me. When we have time to talk, I feel happy, when we don't I feel abandoned. And that's all there is to it. Is it healthy, probably not. But it's how I am.
I can tell his mood has been down for the last few days. It's interrupted with our routine. And if there's one thing I hate, it's when our routine is interrupted. Wednesday evening was nice, until he said he'd be right back. It was only 2 hours later when I prompted him, that he remembered about me. "I forgot about the time", he said. Well that's nice. Forgot about the time and forgot about me waiting.
Then yesterday I didn't hear from him all day since the morning. Which is again a disruption in our routine. It was an hour into what is normally our time together in the evening when I texted him to see if he's OK. He replied an hour later that he was at a work do and he only just left. I misunderstood something he said and he was actually a bit short with me, I can't remember the last time this happened. We resolved it immediately but my mood was just not right. We talked casually if a bit empty until it was bed time and ended on a good note.
And then this morning instead of our usual morning chat we exchanged just two messages. There's no reason for it. He's sitting in a train doing nothing so it's not like he's busy. Just, for some reason, he can't talk.
I can understand this. I guess sometimes it's really hard to talk. But I'm an emotional wreck right now. I told him about the anxiety attack the other day. I told him how miserable I've been feeling. I don't even need any extra attention from him - all I need is for our routine not to change. I praised him for his consistency, so I don't understand why things have to change, right now of all times.
I'm really really really not coping well with this at all. The last couple of weeks have been pure hell. I can't even tell what it is. We had periods when we talked less, we had periods when there was more uncertainty between us (from my perspective). But I've never felt such despair when it comes to us. I'm not getting enough. I don't even know if it's fair to ask for more. But I'm starving for more quality time together. And at the same time I'm hurt that he's OK with reducing it to even less than what we have now.
Sometimes I'm OK with the casual chat via text stretched over several hours. When I'm in a good mood, I don't mind at all. I realize it's convenient. But I can't have a conversation that way. And I'm aching for a proper conversation. Not of the heavy kind. Just a normal, fulfilling conversation while we're not doing anything else.
But yeah, it's not going to happen in the near future. He's away this weekend… again…
