So unfortunately, things have gone pretty horribly since we got to the States.
Things were really good the first few days, then my SO went to visit Atlanta (where his family lives) and I think he saw that he would prefer to be there where he fits in better. After getting back to Utah, things went quickly downhill. When he gets depressed he drinks way too much and a few days after getting back from Atlanta he got really wasted at this bar. When I went to bring him home, he was totally out of it. We were arguing in the street and he grabbed my arm to say, let's go. This guy saw it and said "Don't put your hands on a woman". That really set him off and he grabbed the side of my jacket and said, "I'll touch my wife if I want to". Well, because he was drunk he stumbled a bit and basically pushed me against a car. At that point, I just peaced out and sat in the car with the kids crying in the back while I watched the whole drama unfold. The cops were called and he was arrested for intoxication, assault, and domestic violence in the presence of a minor. He was taken to jail and kept for 2 nights. He was released that Monday after being arraigned by the judge and his court date is in July.
After that, things went well for a little over a week. He seemed to realize how badly he had fucked up and he started doing projects for my dad and spending more time with the kids. Things were really good for that short time and we signed a lease, etc. Then, shit inevitably hit the fan once again. He went to the store, probably bought a bottle of alcohol and was walking home and someone called the cops on him. Now in this instance, I do think it was race related. The town where my parents live is super rich and super white. The cops just told him he was being a "disturbance" or something and they eventually let him come home. But by that time he was super pissed off and feeling like Utah is a horrible, racist place where he will never fit in. We then had a horrible night of him taking my dad's beer and "going on walks", him ranting and raving to himself outside in the middle of the night, my dad going after him, my parents seeing how bad things truly were in Mali.
The next morning, we talked to him and basically said that we thought he should go to Atlanta and try to clear his head and see if it's the amazing place he's made it out to be in his mind. We brought up doing an outpatient rehab program too. He said that he didn't want to hurt me anymore and he was so ashamed about disappointing my parents that he wanted to go to Atlanta for some time (with the thought that he'll be back in July for his court date).
He's now been gone for 4 days. Once again, things were going well (do you see a pattern here?) and last night he snapped. I went to the park with my friend (my gay male friend- my SO has always had issues with me having male friends but gay guys kind of got a pass). I think the fact that my SO feels forced away from his kids, seeing another man with them at the park just really made him lose it. I'm assuming he went and drank at that point because he called me back an hour later and insisted that I send Rokia on a plane to Atlanta in the next 2 days. We argued quite a bit but he said that she is all that he has in this world and he wants her there. And even if things work out between us he wants her in ATL with his family to get an "African education". He finally agreed to sleep on it and that we would talk in the morning. But then he kept calling and texting me so I eventually turned my phone off.
This morning I am looking to see a therapist to try to sort out all of the feelings going on in my head right now. And I am also going to talk to a lawyer just to see what custody would look like for Amina and maybe Rokia. Not ready to "act" yet, but I want to get all of the information.
So now that you are up to date on my horrible life- I need some advice. For me, Amina is a no-brainer, I will fight every last fight for her to stay with me if it came to that. But Rokia, for me, is a more complicated case. I feel like it's morally wrong to keep her from him when that is her bio-father. Even though I think she'd be better off here with me, I know she'd be okay in Atlanta with her grandma, aunt, uncles, cousins, and her dad. Morally, it just feels wrong to keep her if he wants her there. Even though she has been with me for a long time and I have always seen her as my daughter, I have no rights over her and it just feels wrong. But it breaks my heart to imagine saying goodbye to her. I cried all night thinking about it. I guess I also fear what my SO would do (to hurt himself or maybe someone else) if I took away the only thing he feels like he has on this earth-Rokia.
I have to go take her to school now but I would love to hear what others would do in this craptastic situation.
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mllebamako started a blog post The Update- your thoughts neededThe Update- your thoughts needed
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It really does sound like he's an extremely manipulative controlling person, without the influence of alcohol too. Again, this is something that is sometimes easier to see from the outside though. I know in hindsight I should have left my ex-husband much sooner than I did but I found it so hard to do so I really do feel for you. I'm glad you now at least have the support of your friends and family around you.
I think you're doing the right thing in seeking legal advice and I would do so for both children as you need to know where you stand. As hard as it sounds I think both girls would be better off without the influence of their father, until he's sorted himself out anyway.
Please keep us updated and keep talking to someone about this as you must have so many thoughts flying through your head.
I think over the past four-five years you've tried. You have given your everything, you've given him a chance after another and yet this is the situation you've ended up with so far. It doesn't seem like it's getting any better
I think you have every chance of getting custody of Rokia. He has a criminal history and now a domestic violence offence on his list, surely that has to have a very big negative impact. Any judge can see he is not a fit parent right now.
I think you need to fight for the girls and isolate yourself from him. I know it's a very difficult and devastating decision to make but Laura, you have done all you can. Literally, you have tried to make this work for so long and you deserve to be happy.
I think in your heart you already know what to do. Maybe you just need a little push? Well I'm pushing as well as the others here. Your and the girls' safety comes first.
Stay strong ♥
I have no great advice. Just keep taking care of yourself and the girls. Have you spoken with an attorney yet?