Soooo it's been brought to my attention that when I post on LFAD, it is usually something negative about my SO, which is correct to a degree, however infrequent that may be.

I post here, because most people don't know me. I enjoy ranting semi-anonymously without really caring if I'm being judged. When I do post, it is usually about an issue I'm having with my SO, because I have no one IRL to talk to about these kinds of things - I don't really want my friends to know the ins and outs of my relationship. I don't post the positive moments because there's not much of that going on in my life at the present time, and when something good happens to me, I generally only tell a few people.

So, I am going to go ahead and let you know that I am engaged. It happened on the 25th of February when I was visiting my SO. For most people, I would assume that becoming engaged is a joyous time. Well this post is about to take a serious turn, because I wish I was one of those people.

This event has brought nothing but heartache for me. My SO and I have been fighting more frequently than we are used to and it is getting exhausting. The reason for our fights? I resent him. I feel bitter. Why? He put zero effort/planning into the proposal. The only thing I knew was that it was supposed to happen this visit.

Let me explain. Before I went to visit him, he had told me he had a gift for me, and was going to give it to me when we were together. So one night we were sitting on the couch and he wanted to give me the gift. He handed me a box. I opened it and saw that it was a ring, and looked at him, confused. "Is he proposing?", I thought to myself. He looked at me and told me to try it on. I gave him another funny look. I had no idea whether this was meant to be an engagement ring. He didn't say anything, just watched me, so I tried it on the ring finger on my RIGHT hand, because it was the only finger that fit. I didn't want to assume it was an engagement ring just in case. He asked if it fit on any other fingers, and it didn't. So he took the ring and said he'd take it back to the place to get it sized up. He mentioned that it was part of "the plan". I wasn't sure what he was alluding to, so I put it back in the box and that was that.

A few days later he asked why I wasn't wearing the ring. I told him that I wasn't sure he wanted me to wear it, because he was going to take it back to the store. He said I can wear it for the time being.

Another day later, he says he needs the ring back. I give it back to him. I'm thinking that maybe he needed my ring size, so that he could return that ring and get the proper engagement ring.

There's a week left til I have to leave and I'm starting to get impatient. We go on a hike to the top of a mountain. It was amazing, the view was lovely. He tells me he loves me at the top, and then we walk back down, still boyfriend and girlfriend. We go to the beach the next day, collecting shells and we built a fort. We come back home boyfriend and girlfriend. I eventually decide the next day to forget about it. I don't like surprises, at all, and I'm getting antsy thinking about it, so it's better that I don't.

Now, before I go on to the next part, I'm just going to add that my SO and I had spoken about engagement many times. We need to get engaged for him to apply for a visa to live in Australia. He had told me that he was fine with it, and that we would get engaged on this visit. He had shown me engagement videos and said that he's going to make his proposal just as awesome, thus getting my hopes up. I imagined crying and hugging him, all that good stuff. OK, lets cut to it.

It's the morning before I have to leave the US. We're still not engaged. It's coincidentally also his younger sisters 17th birthday. We were going to go to a restaurant for it and his family was going to be there. So it's morning and we're lying in bed. He starts telling me that he's going to miss me a lot when I go, and telling me how much he loves me. He begins to choke up, and I look at him and can see tears rolling down his face. "What's wrong?", I ask him. "Will you marry me and love me forever?", he asks. "Of course I will," and I wipe the tear from his cheek. I tell him it will be OK, and that we'll be OK. He looks at me and reaches over to the side of the bed and pulls out the ring. The same ring he had me try on a few days ago. I realise he's proposing, but I'm really confused. I thought he was going to get a different ring... and I thought he had another plan? He holds out the ring, and says "Give me your hand,". I'm lying there, in a mix of shock and disappointment. He sees the look on my face and asks me what's wrong, I tell him "Nothing,". I can't really remember much but he did go to the bathroom at this point.

I'm still lying there in bed, by myself, not sure if he's playing a joke on me (because that's his sense of humour and he'd do that type of shit). He comes back and kisses me. I ask him "Are we engaged now?", and he's all "Yes, silly!!" and kisses me. I don't want to let on that I'm sorely disappointed so I don't say anything. I don't want his feelings to be hurt, especially because he was crying about it not 10 minutes earlier. He can sense that I'm not feeling right, and tells me that he was going to propose at the mountain, then at the beach, but he was too chicken, and wanted to do it in a place where he felt safe with me - cuddling in bed.

He tells me that the ring is a place holder and he will upgrade to a nicer one when he has the money.

So we get ready to go out for the day. We end up grabbing some food and going to see a movie. Later that night we went to dinner with his fam for his sisters birthday. He didn't want to tell anyone about the events of that morning, so I hid my hand under the table for most of the night. I felt awkward and a bit sad that I couldn't share it with the people he loves most.

OK that's the proposal.

Fast forward to me coming home. I had changed my relationship status on FB, mainly because I wanted to convince myself that I was happy with it more than anything, and having people congratulate me was my way of re-affirming that we were making the right decision. My friends are asking me about what happened, and I try to twist the story in a light that doesn't make him look bad. I really just want to tell them that I hated the proposal.

I bring this issue up to my SO. I tell him that I can't escape people's questions, and it just reminds me of how shitty it was. I tell him I felt unworthy because he put zero effort into it. I tell him I don't feel special, at all.

First he argues with me, saying he thought it was special in his eyes. Then I start to get upset and he can see my tears. He apologises and says he will do it again. A do-over. He also admits to me that he wasn't ready, and felt pressured by me. This makes me even more upset. I wish that he would have just told me all of this before instead of half-assing a proposal. He also admits that he didn't think of how I would feel about the proposal, and was mainly thinking of himself.

To add insult to injury, I looked up the ring online and found that it was $22. He doesn't know that I know. I also know that he spends more than that on a bag of weed. Awesome. Now I know it's a placeholder ring, but I work with my hands a lot, and the ring started to turn brassy two weeks later. To be honest with you, I don't care about the price tag, but I would have thought he would have at least put some thought into it and get something that would last a while. I barely wear the ring anymore.

I feel like people shouldn't get do-overs on this kind of thing. A proposal is a one time thing, you know? All or nothing. But at the same time, I want the engagement. I want the tears and the bended knee. I want to be swept off my feet. But it's just not the same... the whole experience has been ruined for me now and I feel like we can never go back.

So that's my woeful tale. Not sure what I'm looking for, but it felt good to write this out in whole. I might show him this tomorrow, as we just had another fight about it tonight (hence me needing a place to vent).

I'm not sure where we go from here. I've written about this on the vets board and had members tell me that he treats me badly and that this was the icing on the cake, and I should cut my losses.

I want to believe that I can have a good life with him. We get along great for the most part. He is very stubborn when it comes to being told he's doing something wrong, and it takes a lot for him to change. I know he is capable of doing so. He has changed a lot already for me, and for the better too.