-trigger warning-





That big ol' scary word. Depression.

I'm sure some of you may know him. He'll come to your door and knock ever so softly. You don't hear the knock at first. You question what the sound was - maybe it was a leaky pipe in the building, or someone outside? For some it ends here. But for some, the knocking only gets louder.

You go about your day wondering why you're not feeling so great. You're not moping around like last time, or crying as frequently, so it can't be depression - but somethings not right. You're not happy. You've lost your passion for life. You think about death often. You could die at any time. You could be walking down the street and someone decides to take your life. It's not that you want to die, you just accept that its simply out of your control. Control. You feel like you no longer have control over anything anymore.

You might have a good day here and there, but on that rare occasion, good can turn to mediocre, then to bad, in a matter of minutes. Again, loss of control.

You try to put on a happy face, because no one wants to be around a downer. If you can convince them that you're happy, maybe you might start to believe it, too. This is the one thing you can control - the mask. So you keep chugging along for a while, saving face, until you realise that you're suddenly tired. Exhausted, even. The charade is too much and you break down. The engines have come to a halt. You've run out of steam.

And now you're lonely. Purposely avoiding people, because being around others is just too emotionally taxing.

Once you've slowed down, its hard to build that momentum up again. A train with many carriages to pull will not pick up speed quickly. This means in order to be content with life, you must consistently fuel the engine to build up speed and keep momentum until you've reached your destination.

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I have written this to put my feelings into perspective today. I am currently struggling with my feelings and believe that I have stumbled back into a dark place.

I don't know whether this was the right place to come with this. I maybe hope that someone else reading may be able to relate and not feel so alone. The biggest issue for me is loneliness. Its hard because I avoid social situations yet I crave interaction and attention even though I may not want to admit that to myself.

My relationship is crumbling before my eyes. We have been fighting constantly since the beginning of March. Thats 3 months of arguing back and forth. I have rectified my behaviour to be constructive rather than destructive, and asked that he do so too, so that we cease fighting, but he hasn't. I am exhausted. He is relentless. He refuses to admit that he might ever be wrong. He gets very defensive and it makes things worse. I can hardly get through to him, its like talking to a 12 year old.

I realise I may be in the middle of an emotionally abusive relationship. He often turns things back on me. If you have read my previous blog, you would know about the dismal proposal. He told me not long ago that it was my fault that it was so shitty because my reaction wasn't what he had hoped it would be, and that was the reason for it being shitty - because I didn't like it.

He never takes responsibility for anything and I am sick of it.

I think I need to take a break from the relationship simply for my own sanity. I have said before that I would normally not be one to advocate breaks, but I feel in this case is it needed. I need him to realise that the way he has been treating me and this situation is wrong. I can't marry someone who can never accept that they are wrong, and will keep fighting with me just to be right or to have the last word. I was in love with him at a point in my life, but he keeps pushing me away. He knows that my feelings for him are fading.

All this has compounded my depressive feelings.
I realise I may need to seek help if it doesn't get better soon.

Thank you for reading.