we talked tonight... i know, in most relationships it's normal but in our case - no, it's not.
so it started out with me asking him if he would give me a chance - he said he would think about it, when he sees im actually hurting, but so far all he sees is me posting about parties and exams.
through our trust issues - happens that he doesn't trust me, because right at the start of long distance a lot of people from his town felt the need to pass all the news about him to me (as if he couldnt tell me himself)... and at one stage he realised that since people are checkin up on him- i can feel safe. but i am here, with no people he knows.
obviously, i totally get his point on that. id probably get paranoid too.
which i did by the way, but for slightly different reasons.
then we went through the possible reasons why what happened took place. i told him about the feeling of being neglected and how i didnt feel important to him and how he didnt speak to me for two weeks. to which he said if you cannot last 2 weeks without a conversation then you are a terrible girlfriend so i wasn't too happy to hear that. i told him that maybe i am, but i can't see a relationship going on without communication. especially long distance. i never meant serious, long and meaningful conversations - just little calls to say hello/goodnight. but he thinks he doesn't have to want to do that, so he doesn't.
"cause you may not know, and i dont even know why im saying it aloud.. but you are so close to losing me for good"
this is the part when i started pouring my eyes out. and crying. so i calmed down, caught the phone and rang him.
in the meantime he said something as confusing as only possible:
"dont take it the wrong way... i still long to hold you. i still think about you. there's times i can't get you out of my mind"
so on the phone, we kind of repeated all the subjects with the feeling that we are not able to solve it over the phonecall.
we also agreed we have other issues to talk to when we meet in person.
we were both really honest with each other. and he actually was talking and paying attention.
which was totally great to feel.
so he was wonderful, even though the subject wasn't easy and still isn't.
but then he said "i dont know what you can do to make me take you back. i don't know. but i know one thing... i am not doing long distance anymore"
"well? are you asking me to quit my uni half way through to move to australia? to be with you? i said id do whatever it takes... but its my uni... something i spent 2 years on, i really dont want to throw that away"
"aggie, i cant do another year. even if i happen to forgive & forget, you are asking me to do so and then go back to what we have now, when obviously it isn't working very well"
he said, he cant do 'waiting' anymore. i tried to remind him that we agreed theres things we want to do/have to do before we start living together - me: uni, him : boys' stuff & football. He agreed, but he said 'yes. i can do that. but im not telling anyone im in a long distance relationship, when all we have is phonecalls and texts' (here he mentioned he's not gonna use the webcam i gave him for some reason)
he's right. we both are.
we gave up on tough topics... left them for the next month (well.. he doesnt know its the next month). i had to hang up for a couple of minutes and rang him back. and we had one of the conversations we had way back at the start.
we could feel the little bit of tension, of course, but he played guitar on the phone, and we talked about usual things.
so this phonecall was both - the bliss of the day and the disaster. on one way it gave me hope - because we are still able to talk. but the fact he's so convinced he can't do LDR anymore (and he doesn't want to move anywhere) . . . that scares me.
and something that i could tell he had tears in his eyes when he was saying that:
"aggie... i think about you ... but every time i do, i imagine you with this other guy"
fuck. i am so sorry. i basically have been crying ever since. i wish i could fast forward the next month and see what it brings. feeling sooo helpless...
