Hey,
My name is Tara and I've been with my boyfriend, Daniel, for over two years. He works in IT and recently got a job in New York - (we live in England!).

He invited me to move with him but I've just started University this year and I also have other commitments and we've decided it'd be better if I stayed and did my 3 year degree before considering joining him.

I love Daniel absolutely with all my heart and would do anything to make this work, but the prospect of him being so far away... it just seems like a massive wall to me. I can't see how we could possibly make this long distance long term relationship work - no matter how much I love him. He's said we'll book flights for me over to NY before he leaves (next month) - but I can't help being filled with that sinking feeling.
The news has broken my heart if I'm honest, I've read your list of things to do and quite a few of them I think are sweet and find myself interested in them.. but I just can't see Daniel doing them really - he's quite stoic for the mostpart and his work demands a lot of his attention and time, not to mention the time difference.

I just feel so devastated and I don't know how to deal with it. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. =(
Thanks for your time anyway.
Tara x

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Hi Tara,

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know this, and there are many other relationships out there to prove it. Long distance relationships do not come as easy as close distance relationships- they take a lot of work, commitment, honesty, and trust. The relationship is not all work, however. As you have seen the list, you can see that you can still have fun with your significant other as well.

I totally relate to what you are saying about Daniel not wanting to do things on the list. I was quite the same as he a few years ago. I would not want to do things that seemed 'girly' or silly. I did learn, over time, that not doing anything was worse than maybe feeling a little goofy. I want to do things for Michelle, for example, not just because I find them fun, but because I know it will make her happy, and her happy make me happy (as cliche as that sounds, it is true for me).

You love him and will do anything to make this relationship work. Does he feel the same way? Will he be willing to go the extra step to try something new and outside of his comfort level? I feel he must. Leaving England to go to New York seems to tell me he is willing to go outside his comfort level. He will have to do some things he never really imagined doing, and you will too! The time difference is only 5 hours. Four hours during our daylight savings time period (I think). You may have to stay up until midnight some times, and he will have to potentially take a break from work at 7pm so you can talk face to face on a webcam, for example. Since he works IT, he might be able to chat with you during his lunch breaks or maybe even on Skype during the day. His lunch at noon, while you are leaving work at 5:00. I feel it can work.

I guess what you need to do is to change your mindset, and hopefully Daniel's will change as well. Do not look at this move as a strain on your relationship, but as a new way of having a relationship. Thinking of it like that can help prevent the "if only's" and the "we used to's". Maybe there is a way for you to do a semester abroad in New York, or a local city, even, while you are at school for the next 3 years?

One final thing- the list of ideas is just a list. We don't say you have to do them all, and I don't think many people do. It is a resource for you when you think you are losing that 'spark' in your relationship and can't think of anything more to do. If Daniel doesn't want to try 'HoochyMail' for example, you don't have to force him to. But if you send him one, you know you will get a kick out of knowing he is reading the story, shaking his head (I assume).

A relationship can't work if you don't give it a chance. Give the distance a chance. You never know until you try.

Best of Luck,

LFAdvisor