I often meet my husband in different cities while he attends trainings for tax professionals. Of course, the LDR comes up when I chat with his colleagues, but not in a negative way. These tax preparers love the taxation ridiculousness that the LDR creates, and for them, the LDR is just a fact in an interesting tax case. I used to wish my husband’s family accepted our LDR like his colleagues do, and found it ironic that strangers are more supportive of our LDR than his family is. But after researching LDRs for my dissertation, I know that this is just the way it is and I’m not alone.

I found a study conducted with women in LDRs (Bergen, 2006) to be very helpful. The women in LDRs put the reactions of friends, family, colleagues and neighbors about the LDR into 5 groups. Thinking about which group someone might be in has really helped me decide how I want to respond to them when discussing the LDR. I hope that you find this information as helpful as I did.

Here's the groups:

Group 1. These individuals understood the LDR with no explanation. Maybe they knew the participants and how the LDR came about, or maybe they just thought, “Well, you live your life and I’ll live mine.” No matter. Those of us in LDRs know that these folks are oases in the LDR desert. Even if they are strangers, their acceptance is still a comfort.

Group 2. These folks didn’t understand the LDR at first, but once they had some background information, they accepted the LDR and moved on. They are a source of support, like my husband’s tax preparer colleagues. Now that they know our story, there’s no need to explain, so we can go straight to laughing about our crazy multi-state tax returns!

Group 3. These people came understood the LDR over time. My steadfast neighbor is one of these folks. The LDR was a bit odd for her at first, but after a short period of time, she became one of our biggest fans. Without her and her family, I would have had a much rougher go of it over these past 8 years.

Group 4. The fourth group were those who did not understand the LDR but the commuter(s) felt no explanation was merited. These are the colleagues and neighbors that we do not interact with often enough or in such a way that we feel we need to explain the LDR, and we can avoid discussing it. With these folks, we have the LDR version of "don't ask, don't tell."

Group 5. The final group were those who were never, ever going to understand or accept the LDR, no matter what, but continued to demand explanations or make comments. In Bergen's study, this group was almost overwhelmingly made up of family and friends of the LDR partners. Because they are family and friends, it's much harder to avoid interacting with them or dodging their comments and questions.

After seeing Bergen’s research, I no longer waste time trying to explain the LDR to the folks in Groups 4 and 5, or worrying about their comments. I smile politely, say things are fine, and change the topic. I now focus on nurturing the relationships with those folks in Groups 1, 2 or 3, and letting them know how much I appreciate their support.

Bergen, K. M. (2006). Women's narratives about commuter marriage: How women in commuter marriages account for and communicatively negotiate identities with members of their social networks. Unpublished dissertation, University of Nebraska at Lincoln.