For 3 years, I've been with the most amazing man in the world. We plan on getting married after I graduate college next year. He is in the Air Force. My family doesn't feel my relationship is good at all. The first two years of our relationship was very controversial. First, it was because my SO isn't white. That was overlooked quickly enough, and switched to my parents being upset because they feel he didn't "call on me" enough, meaning he didn't come over to my house and spend time with my family. They believe in courting, and sort of took it to a whole new level, and began making demands and criticizing every little thing he did or didn't do.
This escalated to the point where my parents gave us an ultimatum: meet their demands, or break up. We took choice three- us dating secretly and me losing "privileges" when they found out we were still talking.
At this point we were in an LDR because of school, and tensions went up and down for about a year. This summer, my SO joined the Air Force and I'm still in school, and my parents are pretending to be supportive. When I speak to them about my relationship, they're supportive, but they talk badly about my relationship to my sisters, who have now turned against me because of it.
I'm not sure how to make my parent's realize that my relationship isn't going away and I want their support. Whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument about what we should have done in the past. How can I make this better??
- Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Usually I’m all “if everyone in your life is against your SO there is probably something bad that you are refusing to see” but in this instance I’m thinking perhaps your parents are just dicks, and there’s not a lot you can do about that.
What is in the past you can’t change. They need to understand that – so remind them when they bring it up. They probably believe that the things that happened earlier in the relationship are a reflection of personality traits or morals they do not find agreeable and with him so far away it’s unlikely they are going to see anything that will change their minds on that any time soon.
I don’t understand what privileges they can take away from you as an adult, but can only assume you are living off them and in their house. The first step to being respected as an adult (and having your choices as an adult respected) is to stand on your own feet independently. I know society is moving away from that ideal and that youths are staying at home longer to cope with the costs of living, but unfortunately if you are living on their good will you are at their mercy. They don’t owe you anything as an adult, so they probably think meeting their demands on your relationship is the least you can do.
You can’t force them to like anyone you date, or to support the relationship, but you can put a better face on it. They want to see you happy and successful – not in a relationship that brings you stress with a man who is never there. So stop turning to them for support if something is going badly. I know that is hard sometimes, but they need to see why the relationship is worth it. Start telling them the good things instead – I find we don’t often talk about the nice things nearly enough – tell them when he does something sweet for you, or when his career takes another step forward. Tell them positive (but honest) things that will show them you are not crippling your own future by staying with your SO. Hopefully in time they will come around and your siblings will too.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend & I have been in a LDR for less than 6 months & dated for a month before that. Being with him came so easily & every moment together was comfortably blissful. Though now that I'm back in Vegas we've only seen each other twice in the 4 months we've been apart. The 1st 5 months we made everything work; little fights here & there, mainly about the LDR not working out. (We are both in the military -> together we have to marry or at least be engaged. For me that's not how I want to do this.)
Let me get to my point! I went to visit him for a week, toward the end of October and it was the best time I've ever had with someone. Since that trip we've fallen apart; I know that he loves & cares about me but we can't seem to stop nit-picking at each other. He keeps telling me that he's not sure what to do! Our last fight was about me not calling him, but I told him it was because of his weird schedule, I'm not sure if he's busy or sleeping. He got mad and told me he shouldn't have to tell me that it's ok to call and that he's not sure what to do. His rage had me speechless and since he didn't like my silence he hung up. I called back & told him to do something because I was through fighting. He proposed we take some time to ourselves (meaning no contact) & he would call & we would go from there. Now it has been 3 days & no call, I'm not sure if this LDR is worth fighting for. He would have called if he really loves me, right? Are we worth saving? If so, how? If not, why? HELP!
- Lost in Vegas
No one can tell you if the relationship is worth the effort, Lost in Vegas, that’s something you need to decide together. Long distance is obviously putting a strain on the relationship and perhaps you have not yet found the best way to communicate with each other and solve problems before the tension mounts into an explosion.
The first step is to realise when one of you is being testy and make an effort to remedy that. Don’t give in to the temptation to fight. Instead figure out what the immediate problem is, and work on a solution.
He can love you and still be angry at you or the situation – or just plain busy. He may not have been ready to call for whatever reason, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It’s ok for you to call first if he still has not.
Find ways to enjoy the relationship you have while at a distance – that alone will help you nit-pick at each other less. Don’t let resentment about this situation build up. Talk it out, even when it’s hard to do so, or write a letter explaining your feelings if you don’t think he will hear you out. Try to understand each other’s points of view without going on the defensive. How he feels is not an attack on you – try not to take it personally instead try to relate to what he is saying. Simply isolate what your problems are and work on solutions together – even things that are not immediately fixable, if you have a general plan or at least have a good grasp on your options it will take some of the weight from your minds.
Wishing all our American readers a Happy Thanksgiving,
Miss U
