Just recently, while my boyfriend and I were Skyping, he randomly asked me about a past boyfriend I had. During the conversation I felt a bit awkward telling him about it. Afterwards I got curious myself and asked him about his past relationships. They didn't seem to bother me except for one.
He had a particular relationship, 3 years ago, with this woman for three months. Anyway I asked him if he loved her (not sure why I asked) and he said yes maybe he did. Afterwards, he went silent and seemed as if he was thinking, he then said for me to change the topic. Later he went on saying how much he loved me.
During the rest of our Skype session I kept thinking about that that particular relationship he had; I even felt a bit jealous. Is it right for me to feel this way? Is it even right to talk about past relationships in a long distance relationship? If so how much is too much detail and when should one stop talking about such topic?
- Curious about the past
Hello Curious,
I’m a firm believer that there should be nothing you shouldn’t be able to discuss with the person you love. I’m generalizing here, but people seem to get jealous over the funniest things. There is no right or wrong thing to feel, but to me, being jealous over someone he was in a very short relationship with three years ago doesn’t make a lot of sense. What would you say to a friend who came to you and asked you that question? Treat yourself like a friend and give yourself that same reassurance.
It’s possible because this was new territory for you to cover together, he also felt a bit awkward, as you had when he asked about your past boyfriend, which may explain his silence. Or he may not have realized he was being withdrawn. Men are a bit different to women in the way their non-verbal communication works.
Every couple is different, some do not talk about their past at all. Some people feel that is private and not up for discussion, and that not broaching this subject wards against partners feeling jealous or as though they are competing with ghosts.
However, your past shapes who you are in the present and who you will become in the future, and the people we share our lives with play a part in that. It also makes sense to discuss past relationships – what was good about them and what went wrong. It is possible to learn from the mistakes of others.
The key thing to remember is that your partner is with you now, not those past people. They broke up for a reason, and hopefully they have both moved on.
How much detail should be shared depends on your comfort level. Some couples share nothing, others know a little too much, from that past partner’s annoying habits right up to what they were like in bed. It depends a lot on your personality and confidence. If you are both secure in the relationship, and comfortably self-assured there’s no reason for details to be held back (assuming they are tactfully delivered, obviously). It never hurts to give (and receive) a lot of reassurance when these conversations come around. People get scared when they reveal their past, we are all afraid of being judged and making ourselves vulnerable, so it helps when our partner hears us out and then says “Thank you for sharing that” or if it was something they don’t feel proud of “I love you regardless of your past”.
Dear Miss U,
Christmas is coming up and I have no idea what to get my boyfriend. He's kinda hard to shop for considering he gets pretty much anything he wants. His birthday is also coming up and I'm making him a photo album. So, I'm fresh out of homemade ideas. So my question is, what should I do for him?
Danielle
Sounds like an experience gift would be right up his alley. Buy him a voucher to try something he’d never think of himself, or if you’re seeing each other over the holiday season just buy him something small like a tie, silk boxers or his all-time favourite junk food in a fancy keepsake tin and then take him on an awesome date. Google for fun things to do in the area; maybe a workshop to learn something new, or something more extreme like rock climbing, kayaking or skydiving.
Failing that, a personalized console-game controller is usually a hit for his age-group.
Sincerely,
Miss U xx
