My boyfriend and I met during the summer I had just recently broken up with an old boyfriend so I wasn't looking for anything more than a new friend. But, when he first stepped out of his car to meet me for the first time, it just felt like all the stars had perfectly aligned, and I knew he was something special.
So, against expectations we started dating, and fell in love quickly. However, a month into the relationship, we found out I was going to be moving 2 hours away. And we've been LD for 5 months now. I still come to see him as much as possible. But it's hard. When we're apart everything changes. We talk every night on the phone, and it seems like every night he attacks me. He calls me names, and basically takes all his anger out on me. I have a past with boys, and he has no past whatsoever with girls. So, he's constantly throwing that in my face. I try my hardest to overlook it cause I know that the distance is killing him. I just feel like he doesn’t understand that I'm going through exactly what he is. I want him to accept my past. I don’t know what to do or how to make him stop. We're both going to college soon and I'm afraid that if I don't get into the college he does, that we'll never make this work.
I love this boy more than anything or anyone in the entire world. He's the one, and I know that with my entire heart, mind, and soul. He's perfect in my eyes, and of course I don't want to break-up. We're engaged. I just want things to be the way they were back then..
~ I just miss him
I know you miss him, but to be frank, this guy is a right arsehat.
You might say that it’s “because of the distance” or the stress, but let me ask you something: Do you think in your life together (without distance) there will be no other time where he will be stressed to the point of anger? If he treats you badly now because he’s struggling with the distance, how is he going to treat you much later in life when something far worse goes wrong? What happens when he loses a parent, or an important job? What happens when neither of you have slept for a week because your baby has colic or your house burns down?
I know something for a fact – when shit goes down in your life you want someone who can stand up and face it, not someone who will turn on you like you’re the enemy. Relationships require respect, and he’s not showing you that. “The One” or your soulmate or whatever other romantic Hollywood fantasy you’re buying into would not attack you, call you names and take his shit out on you night after night. You need to put a higher price on yourself.
Yes, I realise often it is hard not to snap at the ones closest to us, my own partner bears the brunt of my bad moods and stress too, none of us are perfect, but you need to be able to recognise when it’s a problem and draw the line. It’s ok to say “I deserve to be treated better.” Long distance is not to blame for the way he treats you. A good man will treat you well regardless of where he is in this world.
Moving on, he needs to get over the fact that you’ve had boyfriends before. Long gone are the days where fathers gave away maidens with a fat dowry, and he needs to wake up to that. Next time he mentions it be firm and point this out to him. You can not change your past, nor does your past particularly affect him. All you can do is let him know that either he gets over it, or you’ll get over him. Perhaps with a girlfriend or two in his past he won’t be so quick to judge.
I hate to be brutal but “back then” isn’t so far back for you two. There isn’t anything for him to go back to being; likely he just appeared kinder in your memory because you were in the first flushes of your love together. Your choices are pretty simple. You can either accept that he’s going to be a nasty piece of work, you can tell him to stop and hope he does (bluntly, don’t hint), or you can realise that true love treats you better, buy a block of chocolate for your sorrow and move on.
Dear Miss U,
So I met the love of my life, Gary, 2 months ago on a Christian web site. We hit it off right away and I met him a few weeks later. He lives 100 miles away/1hour 45 min drive. I know, doesn't seem like a lot but trust me it is! Anyways, I have totally fallen for him. We tell each other we love one another and see each other 1-2 times a week. The problem? I am divorced with a 4 year old daughter and my ex-husband has it made it quite clear that he will not allow me to move our 4 year old daughter almost 2 hours away. Gary is also divorced with 2 children who are 4 and 8. Both attending private schools so there is no possible way he could move by me if it ever came to that point (which we talk about often). So, should I just end the relationship now, knowing we will never be close? I do not want to be in a long distance relationship forever obviously. I have really fallen for him and I hate the thought of never seeing or talking to him but I also do not want to get "deeper" into this relationship knowing we will never truly be together as long as my ex-husband has anything to say about it.
Any advice would be so appreciated as I cannot talk to my friends/family about this as they have done a long distance relationship an just tell me its "not a big deal"...Thank you!
~ Trouble in Cato
Luckily Trouble, your trouble is fairly simple, and your distance fairly short.
It’s not even two hours. You could both move one hour closer and commute if it came down to it. Your ex-husband deserves a say in what happens with your daughter, but he can’t stop you moving a mere hour or two away, especially if you were to offer to do all the driving for when he has her. He does not deserve control over your life and you shouldn’t be giving it to him. Perhaps giving him a while to get used to the idea will help, or finding some other way to compromise, but in the end you need to do what’s best for you and your daughter.
My advice would be to continue dating Gary for another 6 months or so; time to really get to know him and save up money for a move, (plus emergency money to get away fast in case he’s not what he seems.) Warn your ex-husband that you are going to do this, and reassure him that he will still see his daughter as often as he already does and can phone her every night if he wishes.
It’s not insurmountable. The longer you spend dating at a distance the more you will both find you are willing to be flexible to overcome it, and the greater lengths you will go to.
Don’t lose hope, there’s always a way.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
