I am Sam and my boyfriend is Brad. He lives 1800 miles away in Washington State. We've been best friends and in a relationship for almost a year and six months. Lately, we have been having issues and we have been fighting a little over the phone. We text 24/7 and every night we talk on the phone. The problem was that I was feeling like the relationship was getting too difficult and stressful for me so I told Brad. It has been stressful since day 1 but obviously, we are in a long distance relationship. Over this year and a half we have grown very much and we have dealt very well with being apart. We do a lot of special activities together and remain honest and loyal always. He is my best friend but we couldn't handle the stress of not being together in person so we both decided to just be friends. It's been difficult so far because we both want one another and we both are struggling with whether or not this is worth it or a good idea. We both are young and starting college soon. I'll be a senior in high school and he will be a freshman in college. A lot of changes are happening, and I just don't want to lose him. A year and a half is a long time and I don't know what to do. Should we stay just friends and avoid any serious separation later on or should I end our relationship but stay friends somehow? How can I transition from lover to friend over long distance, when we both still feel strongly but know that it might be best for us to separate?
~ Sam
There’s an old saying: “Friendship often ends in love, but love to friendship, never” and in the majority of cases I feel this is true.
I will also never understand people breaking up because of the distance in situations where the distance is obviously temporary. “I don’t see you enough, so I don’t want to see you at all” makes no sense to me.
I think you’re possibly fighting because you’re talking too much. How has the relationship become too stressful? What has changed? You much first understand yourself and your emotional reactions to figure out if you’re taking the best course of action. Why after a year and a half is it suddenly too hard? Is there something you feel you are missing out on? Are you doubting your compatibility? Why is loving someone that isn’t yours less stressful than having a relationship with him?
The best I can suggest is having less contact. You can’t make yourself stop loving someone, especially when they are being loveable every day and you have ways to see/experience that. Make new exciting friends, distract yourself. Check yourself, make sure the contact you have with him is on the same level of a friend not a partner and you may be able to teach yourself new habits, if you truly wish to do so.
Dear Miss U,
I’m a junior in high school and my boyfriend graduates this year and he really wants to join the military and I'm scared. I don't really want him to go but I would never tell him he couldn't. My parents don't want me to sit around and "wait" at college while he’s off in the military. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't know what to do. How do I tell him how I feel or even talk to him about it? We wanna talk to my parents but don't know how.
I know I'm young but love is love.
I need some serious advice, please help
~ Faith
It’s hard, Faith. I feel for you.
His carer affects your future; it is ok to talk to him about it. No, you can’t ask him not to follow his dreams, because ideally, you nurture your partner’s dreams as your own. You can talk to him about how long he expects to be in the military, and why he wants to follow that carer however. If you can understand and relate to him, that will really help you stick it out. Also make sure he understands how you feel too, and why. Open up to him, there should be nothing you can not talk to each other about.
Approach the matter perhaps on a walk or while doing the dishes together, so you have some privacy, but you’re not staring at each other. That way there’s a chance for pauses to gather your thoughts without those pauses becoming awkward silences. Try starting out with: “I’d like to know more about why you want to join the military,” or “I have some concerns about our future, like career choices and family”. Make sure you talk to each other and are completely on the same page before you take the issue to your parents. They will have questions, and it’s in your best interests if you both have the same answers.
Tell your parents you’re not “waiting” at college, you’re focusing on your education rather than partying, messing around with boys and winding up pregnant. You can even crack a few “can’t get an STI from cybersex” jokes if your parents are laid back. Choosing to start a long distance relationship is not a life sentence. You can change your mind and back out at any time. It’s not the big deal people make it out to be.
Sincerely,
Miss U
