I'm not entirely sure what to do in this situation. To my girlfriend, school has always come first to her because it is all she knows. To her getting good grades so she can one day get a good education is the most important thing to her. I was perfectly fine with that and I support her fully... But now the circumstances have changed.
When she told her parents about me and how she wanted to study in Canada, they immediately disapproved. They threatened her with taking her out of school and not considering her their daughter. She didn't tell me she told them for a week or so. Basically, she was left to deal with her parents for the week. When I sent her a love letter last Friday, she finally broke down and told me. Now she has left me and deleted me from everything but Skype because I convinced her to "remain friends".
I feel like she's attempting to push me away and stop loving me. Her parents don't want anything to do with me, and she thinks she needs to listen to her parents above all else... Even her own happiness. I don't know how to convince her that her own happiness is the most important thing if she believes she must live for her parents.
What should I tell her? What should I do? It feels like I'm being pushed away right now and there is nothing I can do for her because of a combination of the distance and the control/influence her parents have over her. I doubt they would take her out of school, but maybe they would never approve of me.
~ Justin
Dear Justin,
This is a big cultural thing. No doubt you’ve done some research into her country and traditions, and you’ve seen that these attitudes are prevalent. Generally Asian parents have a lot more control over their children, and Asian children show their parents a lot more respect and deference, than what is common in the Western world.
It’s likely she is trying to push you away and stop loving you, because from her perspective that is the easiest course of action – but it isn’t easy at all. Right now, all you can try to do is understand to bring yourself piece of mind, and hope that she finds herself unable to forget about you and move on.
I feel that even if her parents didn’t threaten to take away her education, she would still have a great amount of difficulty disobeying them.
I don’t believe there is anything you can do or say to change this situation. If you want to stay in contact with her and remain supportive you can, but you need to look after yourself primarily so you can begin to heal.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I been dating for a month before he went off (lost his freedom) and we been in a LDR ever since. We been threw a lot together and grown with each other. We talk every day for hour at a time but had to slow down. He also sends me letters (I think he gets upset that I don't send the same amount). Before we decide to go into a LDR, we never set up ground rules. We both knew we were going to be faithful to each other, but he got mad at me cause I was talking to some people on FB that were my friends before I knew him that were guys, even when I told them I had a boyfriend and the conversation was about him. After that he told me he didn't want me drinking, going to parties or on Facebook, which I agreed to or talking to other guys. The talking to other guys is harder for me to follow because when someone says hi to me in person, I don't want to be rude and not say it back. After all I do, I think he still doesn't trust me and he is always the one starting the drama and the arguments. He makes me feel like I'm in the wrong or didn’t handle a certain situation well. A fight that we had that I can't get over was when he made me feel like nothing, over something I did when we weren’t even official. I feel now it’s hard being in this LDR when he is being disrespectful, rude and jealous all the time. What should I do?
- Zaiya
Dear Zaiya,
Read the letter you sent me, but pretend it’s your friend having these problems. What would you say to her?
What you should do is painfully clear to me, you need to dump his sorry ass and move on, because no one has the right to tell you that you’re not allowed to talk to someone – or half the population as in this case! This isn’t a problem with the distance; this is a problem he has. And he will be this controlling regardless of how near or far away he is in the future. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, and you’ve only been together such a short amount of time – it’s not like he’s changed, or he’s going through a phase, this is the man he is – you simply don’t have enough invested in this relationship to let him hold you back. Be kind to yourself.
Sincerely,
Miss U xx
