We’ve only started dating each other for a little over 3 months. Everything was really great at first, but about 2 months in she started to get really anxious when we part. It had reached to a point that she takes it out on me. Whenever I try talking it out with her on the phone, she doesn’t say a word but just lets out a grunt or sigh. It goes on for hours till the wee hours of the morning. But when I ask her if we could call it a day, she wouldn’t let me put down the phone nor let me sleep, as she still wants to hear me or talk to me.
I know this sort of thing isn’t healthy for us. But how should I approach this?
Thanks,
Brian.
Dear Brian,
I personally would approach it by telling her “It’s not me, it’s you” and cutting contact. For almost half of your relationship she’s been treating you badly. It’s highly likely that that is who she is. This is what she’s like. This is how she treats her partners. I don’t feel that you would have invested so much in this girl in three months that you couldn’t move on.
You can also try addressing this behaviour with her, if you have not already. Tell her that if she’s not responding to you, she’s not really participating in the conversation or the relationship. Tell her how you feel when she just grunts at you. Be honest. Let her know too that you don’t like parting with her either, but that you cannot be taking that stress out on each other, you need to stand together, not tear each other down.
Always remember to start your sentences with “I feel...” or “This affects me…” rather than “You do this… “Or “You always…” as the latter will only make her defensive and less receptive to your words. Perhaps she’s also not really comfortable with communication over the phone and you could also try waiting to talk it over in person, or writing her a letter instead. Communication is of utmost importance. If you can't communicate with each other, the relationship will fall apart. Let her know this, and that she doesn't need to be afraid to tell you how she feels so you can support her, but she needs to find a constructive, less agressive way to do so.
Dear Miss U,
I've looked at your site; it helps but when you live countries apart and only get together every 3 months or so, it’s hard. You leave and miss the touch and smell of the other person. Try taking a pillow case or something with their smell on it and put in zip bag it helps particularly at night brings them in to your room – it’s funny how the smell of them fires your mind and closes the gap. We are engaged and me being British we have to go through all the paperwork for visas so could be another year or so. Any more ideas to keep things fresh will always help. Sending flowers for no reason helps too but after nearly 3 years, video and phone calls will never be enough but I love her so much! No one I know understands our relationship and will never know, so I can't talk to anyone here about it. Thank you for your website.
Stuart
Hello Stuart,
Thanks for your praise, however, this isn’t my website. I just work here. I’m an employee and can take no credit for Michelle and Frank’s great work.
I’m no stranger to international long distance and can sympathize with you! After three years I doubt there’s much you have not tried, it’s hard to come up with something new and fresh. If there’s a particular radio station you know she listens to in the morning before work you could contact them and have them read a short message out for her, or you could buy a small puzzle, put it together and write a message on the back, then take it apart and send it to her in pieces.
Congratulations on your engagement. No matter how long it takes for the paper work to go through, I’m sure it will have been worth it!
Dear Miss U,
A year ago, I met this wonderful person online. I'll call her K. I came to find K was married and had a child. I maintained a contact with her over the course of that year, and we talked once every month or couple of months.
About a month or two ago, and I find out that she and her husband had split up. I'm the type of person who really cares for friends, and when she mentioned she was homeless and basically on her own to deal with it, I made my support fully available. I gave her my e-mail address, both of my phone numbers, and a guarantee that she could reach me any time and I would be there for her.
Around two weeks ago, something just clicked between us. We started talking almost every evening for hours on end. The more I talk to her, the more it seems that she's the person I've dreamed of being with for a very long time. We share a lot of common interests, and we've become very close, yet we're separated by around 2000 miles.
I want to ask her to take things to the next level, but I'm not sure if I should, or if it would be in good tact, especially so close to her separation. Complicating things is that I'll be tied down to school for at least three years working on a Bachelor's. With each day that passes, I find myself learning more and more about what makes her perfect for me. I'm fighting with myself not to simply blurt out how I feel about her, yet I don't want to lose this chance.
Should I ask her out? I'm determined not to let the distance be a factor.
~ On the Edge
Hi there On the Edge,
Perhaps there’s a way you can let her know how you feel, but without the pressure to go headlong into another relationship? Oftentimes after a break-up, separation or divorce, people need to go through a period of not only healing, but finding themselves again. People often become so wrapped up in the role of being a wife and a parent that they forget who they are inside as an individual. They lose track of their likes, hobbies and interests. And with her recent struggle to support herself and find housing, there’s a good chance she’s already quite overwhelmed. Right now she’s also going to be very vulnerable, and if she’s relying on your support, she might feel that she has no other choice but to go into a relationship that she might not be ready for.
In a way, the distance really works in favor of this relationship. It will give time for your feelings to fully develop, for her divorce to go through and for you to get to know each other on a very deep level before either of your lives would be thrown into turmoil by a move.
Just keep talking to her and being there for each other. You’ll know when the right time to say something comes.
Sincerely,
Miss U
