My fiancé who I dated for 5 years just proposed to me in January, I of course said yes. Then about a month later he tells me he is moving to New Hampshire to move in with his half-brother and to go to school for at least 4 years. Which is about a 5 hour drive. We didn't discuss this together and this wasn't something we compromised as a team. He tells me that I can either move to New Hampshire, be fine with a long distance relationship or leave. I love him very much but I can't seem to be able to forgive him even though he apologized for not including me in the decision. He made the decision completely without me, and he says we can "grow" from the mistake and be in a long distance relationship.
I just feel that since we were engaged before he left this should have been something we discussed together. His mom and half-brother do not like me (his parents are divorced) so they of course give him full support for his move. He is terrible with expressing his feelings, he barely makes time for me and we've been doing this for almost 5 months now.
Also before he left I begged him not to go and I told him I didn't want a long distance engagement because we tried long distance once before for 6 months * it was a really rocky road for those 6 months. I can't seem to be able to have any feelings except negative ones towards him & I'm not sure if I should stay with him or break up with him. I know he is happy with the decision he made & being there but I'm not happy.
What should I do?
~ Trouble on Long Island
Dear Trouble
I get the impression he didn’t really understand what he was asking when he proposed because, simply put, these are not the actions of a guy that is ready to share the rest of his life with you. This isn’t including you in his life, his future, and his decisions. I guess he didn’t understand that marriage is about a lot more than saying “I love you” in front of a crowd of people.
Is this the first time he’s done something like this? Do you usually discuss things? Was it a spur of the moment decision or did he plan it for a while and deliberately not say anything?
I know none of these things change the facts, but they do point to who he is as a person and whether he’s likely to disregard you in the future.
Other things to think about are: Can you see yourself living in New Hampshire for any period of time? Would moving fit into your life plan (because I think right now you need to think more about what you need and want as an individual – as he certainly has done)? Where in your life do you want to be in four years? How will his studying affect that?
I can not decide for you if you should leave him, but I am concerned that he’s not as ready for this commitment as you are, and it worries me that he can make this decision, move, see you miserable for five months and still be fine with that.
Usually, in our hearts, we already know the answers we seek. Go somewhere quiet and listen to that inner voice.
Dear Miss U,
My SO and I were dating for 7 months before he moved. Everything was perfect.
Before he left for his new job (we discussed it) he said worse case it would be for a year, we would Skype every day and see each other monthly. That never happened.
His job got him real busy fast (staying at work until 12am-2am), conferences on weekends, we did a few Skype dates and phone calls and we texted everyday but one missed call or him disappearing on Whatsapp (explanation hours later or days later when I already sent regretful frantic messages out of worry) put a rift between us. Technology problems that he said would be dealt with but weren't, also made it difficult to communicate effectively.
Fast forward, 3 months into LDR, it worsens. Family illness, work getting more stressful, falling behind on work, a friend dying and communication (all on his end) getting less (quality and quantity). I would try to stay positive but would break under the pressure at times and say things I would later regret. I begged him to make 5 minutes for me, lowering my expectation with each missed call.. but he would respond to me less and less, even when I would tell him I cried.
I sent him cheery videos, emails and a package which he never showed appreciation but did request once (or picked up).
Eventually at his friend's funeral I let it all out about how I felt so rejected and ignored and went a bit crazy doubting us.
Had a big fight 2 weeks ago and spoke 2 days. Then he disappeared. Is it over?
Hurt and Confused
Dear HC
I don’t know him, but I’m going to go with yes, it’s probably over.
The thing is, he can’t give you what you need and want right now. He just can’t. He’s got too much going on and is dealing with too much. He has proven to you that right now he can’t be the man you want him to be, and freaking out, sending frantic messages, crying and pressing your insecurities upon him at his friend’s funeral are not going to change that.
I can only see two options for you right now, and that would be:
- To chalk this up to a learning experience and let him go. Things you would aim to learn are patience and understanding, because when a big life change happens for a partner, you need to be able to roll with the tide a little better. Sometimes you simply need to be patient while things settle down, and other times you need to understand that no-one can foresee every event that could happen. He didn’t know he’d be working like a mad-man, or that he’d be grieving for a friend on top of the stress of moving away and missing his girlfriend.
- To learn selflessness, if he is still willing to give this relationship a go, and take the back seat for a little while so that he has the time – time that was discussed between you, and agreed upon – for him to work on his career.
It also wouldn’t hurt to look at the situation from a more third person perspective and see where things might have gone wrong. There’s no reason to doubt the relationship just because he’s busy, and there’s no need to frantically worry about someone just because they have logged off randomly. Use your logic. Isn’t it far more likely that he has no reception or his phone is out of battery (or whatever) than the possibility that he was mugged and killed right at that moment, or dropped his phone as a sexy pair of legs strolled by? We all need to have self-control and a level of trust/faith – it’s key in a long distance relationship. We need to be able to say to ourselves “damn, this app is playing up” or “oh well I guess he’s busy” rather than letting our emotions get the best of us.
It’s important for all people in relationships to be able to put the other person first as well, sometimes for an extended period of time. We need to be able to put ourselves in our partner’s position and understand why they are acting how they are, and be able to step up and support them rather than adding to their burdens.
I know this is probably not the answer when you were looking for when you wrote in, but I sincerely hope you take what I’ve said here to heart, because I do want the best for you – for all people – and for your future relationships.
Sincerely,
Miss U
