I’ve known Chris since March 26. We fell in love quickly. I am 15 & he is 19. He lives in Mississippi & I live in California. He is a very shy nice guy. Do you think I should wait 3 years until I visit him when I turn 18? I really want to live with him but i just don’t know if I could wait that long! Can you give me advice on how to =D thank you! He means EVERYTHING TO me. Plus he told me he wants to marry me when I get older <3
Mrs Harvey
Dear Mrs Harvey,
No, I don’t think you should wait until you visit him in three years. I’m all for monogamy and commitment and making long distance relationships work, but I’m also aware that a four year age gap when you’re in your teens is pretty significant. You’re both going to spend a lot of time growing into yourselves, and finding out what you want in love and relationships. If you’re supposed to be together, he will still be there in three years – or even ten. But it does neither of you any good to tie yourselves down in the meantime.
Work on your friendship and knowing what you want out of life. It takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work, so find out if you’re compatible. Do your desired careers and lifestyles complement each other? Do you have the same desires when it comes to traveling, settling down, starting a family, buying your first home? Are your morals similar? Do your religions conflict?
It all seems very romantic to commit to each other and then wait it out, but it’s better for you as individuals to grow into yourselves side by side as friends without compromising each others' experiences so that in time when you do settle down and marry you can both look back without regrets, and face the future with a good self-knowledge and a strong foundation of friendship.
Dear Miss U,
I'm giving up EVERYTHING that I have in just over a year to finally be with her. In my opinion it's worth it, I'd die for 5mins with her... But should I give everything up?
Thanks a lot for your help, regards,
Rawrz
Dear Rawrz,
No you shouldn’t give everything up. That’s actually really bad for your relationship. One person can not be your entire world – it puts too much pressure on them for one, but more importantly gradually you’d lose your personality and stop being so interesting. Once you’re boring and not yourself anymore it doesn’t take long for a relationship to fall apart.
It seems worth it now, because you have not done it yet. But in time giving up everything causes resentment and frustration for you, and pressure and guilt for your partner.
Being the one to move doesn’t mean you have to give everything up. Sure, you will see your family and friends less, but you don’t have to lose them from your life. You may need to change where you take your education, but that shouldn’t mean you give up your career goals. You may temporarily lack funds, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up your hobbies forever, etc.
Find a balance.
Dear Miss U,
I can’t afford to go see him right now because I’m only 15, and don’t have any money. But I’m scared that if I don’t go and see him soon our relationship will come to an end, which is not something I want. What would you suggest I do? Also is it possible to fall in love without meeting yet?
Jordan
Dear Jordan,
Yes! It is 100% possible to fall in love without having met in person. It’s also possible however, to fall in love with the idea of being in love or to confuse infatuation for love. Time is a great test upon these things however; because if it is love not meeting for a while will not destroy what you have. Love doesn’t let you give up just because you can’t meet – no matter how long you have to wait.
I suggest you find a casual job or another source of employment, such as pet or baby sitting, mowing lawns for neighbors or doing chores for your parents to earn an allowance. Learn to save, because money will continue to be a hurdle for you.
I also suggest you enjoy this time in your life. There’s something beautifully romantic about young internet romance, and after that first meeting everything gets harder, not easier. So take your time, get to know each other more, keep talking and start saving. You will get there – and if the relationship falls apart before you can, count yourself fortunate - because if he can’t wait for you, if he can’t face the hard times with you, be your best friend and stand by you, then you don’t want him and that space in your heart will go to someone who can go the distance.
Sincerely,
Miss U
