My SO and I just recently broke things off, because he is going through a tough time and I thought maybe it would make things a little easier on him. But it is killing me inside not to be able to call him mine. We still talk but it doesn’t feel the same, and it seems to me like he doesn’t even want to talk to me. I'm trying so hard to let it be okay, but I can’t do it. I don’t know if I should tell him how I feel or if that would just complicate things more.
What do I do?
~ Dying Inside Without Him
This is all very dramatic, Dying Inside, and it makes me wonder if one or both of you has been reading too much bad teen fiction, and applying it to life. While it might seem romantic to forgo your own feelings to ease the burden your relationship puts on your partner, realistically, what is actually happening is you’re telling him with your actions “the problems you’re having right now are too hard to deal with, so I’m going to abandon you to them at a time you probably need my support the most”. It’s no wonder then that he doesn’t seem like he wants to talk to you!
When things get tough for one person in the relationship, the other person doesn’t agree to break it off to lessen the stress – they just expect less of that person’s effort within the relationship and pick up the slack themselves. They nurture, support and stay strong for their love. That’s how successful long term relationships survive.
So, what do you do? Stop playing games for a start. Say what you think, and mean what you say. Don’t give in to the urge to add needless drama to your everyday lives. Talk it over, find out what you both need right now and try to work together towards that end.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for quite some time and I’m crazy about him. He moved to a town further from me for work purposes. Would he marry me?
~ Sarka
Dear Sarka,
The form you submitted tells me you’ve been dating eight months. Eight months is not, by any stretch of the imagination “quite some time.” If some well-meaning lady or gentleman I’d only been dating eight months was concerned at all about whether I’d marry them, I’d think they were just crazy, rather than crazy about me, and I’d be making for the hills. But I don’t know him, or what he would be thinking and feeling on the subject. If he’s recently moved away for work, right now that’s likely his primary concern, but who knows, maybe this job is his way of saving up for an engagement ring? Either way, I wouldn’t go asking about it just yet. Give this relationship time to go somewhere, before trying to get it to end up before the altar.
Dear Miss U,
I have been together with my boyfriend for a while now, but it turned into a long distance relationship only last week, when I had to return to my home country. Now whenever I see a couple anywhere, showing even the slightest bit of affection, it makes me burst out in tears because it reminds me of the fact that I can't even give the love of my life a quick hug. I'm guessing it will get easier in time, but what is the best way to deal with this now?
~Nienke
Dear Nienke,
Two months is even less similar to “a while” than eight months is “quite some time” and it saddens me to think that some people’s relationships are generally so short lived that a few mere months seems to them like an achievement.
However, that’s entirely beside the point, and completely not helpful to you.
How to deal with this now? I find that strong self-talk is very beneficial. Don’t give into the urge to begrudge others their happiness. We never know the circumstances of others; they may be doing it even tougher than ourselves in some way. Focus not on what other people have, but on what you have. They might have physical proximity – but you have something so special that physical proximity isn’t necessary to success! Remind yourself of all your partner’s wonderful qualities, and why you have decided to go the distance. Find ways to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled within your relationship so that you do not fall apart over those things that are out of reach right now.
Long distance is only as difficult as you let it be. Put enough effort into your own relationship and what others have may then seem flimsy in comparison.
You can do this.
Good luck
Miss U xx
There are no set definitions of "quite some time" or "a while". I've used "a while" to refer to an hour, and I've used "quite some time" to refer to three weeks, all in various instances of different contexts. While I agree that we should caution lovers away from rashness (see: Romeo & Juliet), I do not think that it is in our place to tell other people whether or not they have been seeing their partner for a sufficiently long time to be able to use certain terminology. And, indeed, when we do try to tell other people this, our tone becomes one of close-mindedness and condescension (whether the tone is intended or not.)
Also, the people writing in are as likely as not just trying to briefly establish some context of their relationship to aid in your ability to help them. They haven't just met when these problems have arisen, but they're not an old married couple either, so they've been together for "a while" or "quite some time" or "ages" or "a little bit".