Dear Miss U,

I started dating my boyfriend a little over a year ago. Unfortunately he just moved to college while I still have one more year in high school. I understand that this isn't the easiest decision for a young couple, but we both decided we'd try to make it work. He only lives an hour away, so the distance isn't unreasonable. He has only been away for about a week, but I'm not sure exactly what to expect with communication. I understand that he is going to be busy, but how often should we talk for it to be healthy? What should I expect when trying this long distance relationship? How should I act as a girlfriend so I don't come across as nosy or needy? Any advice on this long term relationship for young teens would be useful! Thank you!

- Amanda -


Dear Amanda,

I think at first, you can't expect much communication wise. He will be settling in, getting to know where things are and how everything works, and trying to establish some kind of social circle. The early weeks are quite crucial. He is likely to be pretty tired at first while his body adjusts to the new pace too. I'd give him a month's grace period to settle in before you start asking for extra attention. It's perfectly fine to tell him that too – let him know that you want to talk to him, you miss him and will make yourself available, but that you understand this is a big transition and you're not going to freak out if you don't always hear back right away or don't get to chat every single night.

It's important to know what you need to get you through. What do you need for this relationship to be fulfilling and satisfying? When are you the most lonely? Do each of you have a preferred method of communication? Does his free time line up with yours, or will you need to communicate primarily through letters/email? Every relationship is different, as all individuals are different and have different needs. Knowing yourself, and sharing that knowledge with him is key – without any pretenses.

I strongly recommend that you do not rely on text messaging as your primary form of communication. A lot of relationships do, but I see it as a case of quantity over quality. Meanwhile, if a person is always texting they are not wholly in the moment with whatever they are doing, which delays the completion of necessary tasks and can disturb study. So instead of texting off and on all day, perhaps you might agree to keep your days to yourselves and limit any texts to things that are necessary, won't lead to a long conversation or don't require a reply.

On that note – possibly the number one rule of not being a needy girlfriend is not freaking out if he doesn't text or call back right away. If you send him a “Love you and thinking about you” text, he might smile and put the phone back in his pocket. He could be too busy to reply right away and then it slips his mind. It doesn't mean he's been hit by a car or is seeing someone else, like so many girlfriends panic over. The cool girlfriend knows she made him smile, and leaves it at that.

Instead of texting constantly, choose a time that is good for you to talk; or if talk time is limited perhaps you could even share a journal, so you can keep up-to-date with each other's lives and keep the phone calls for hanging out and bonding in real time. It's hard to feel involved in the life of your partner if you don't know what they are doing; but how does one have this involvement without appearing nosy? I find the simplest way to do that is to communicate from a position of strength and trust. For example, if he was ten minutes late getting online for the Skype date, you don't need to ask him where he was. Maybe he really needed to use the toilet before calling! The key to not being nosy is not grilling him for every little scrap of info. Show as much interest in the guys he meets and talks to as the girls he mentions, and remain positive even if privately you wish it were an all-boys school. The cool girlfriend doesn't tell him who he can and can't be friends with (though she might ask that any one-on-one time with opposite gender friends be done in public places, and would do the same with her own friendships).

Often it's good to explain where you are coming from. He might not instinctively understand why it's important to wish you luck the morning of an exam, or that you're going to want to talk for half an hour longer on the first day of your period because you feel crappy - So clarify. Tell him “I hope I don't come off as nosy, I'm just really interested in you and want to feel part of your life”. Additionally, let him know that having a sense of what he'll be doing allows you to plan and fill in your hours. You don't want to neglect him, but you don't want to sit at home bored and resenting him while he's out with his new friends either – so ask him to be courteous and give you a general outline to work with if he can.

Every couple has different standards for how often they need to communicate and the depth of that communication. It's nice to have one evening (or a three-five hour block) a week (or fortnight if time is hard to come by) to just hang out together. Sometimes that might be studying on Skype, and just looking up and smiling at each other like love-struck fools, while other times that might mean watching a movie together, playing games, reading to each other or being intimate. But it's important to make the time, just as you would if you were in the same town. It's also nice to get a quick update on each other's days. So that might mean an hour on the phone every other night, or a five minute wake-up call in the morning and an email sent during lunch break.

In all things, use your logic. Try to take a step back and view your words and actions from his perspective or from a third person point of view. If you've called his phone and left six voicemails in an hour – you might be falling into the trap of being needy and nosy. Whereas, if you have not spoken to him for two days because it's exam time and you can't resist the urge to post a lovey message on his Facebook, that's probably pretty normal! Some days you will be more emotionally needy than others, and there's nothing wrong with that. Being loving and wanting that connection in return is not something to be ashamed of; as long as your expectations are realistic.

Sincerely,
Miss U