My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 years. We lived together until a year ago when he became a truck driver. We talk on the phone and make time for each other but we have reduced our relationship to not official bf and gf but we choose to not have sex or talk to other people. We did this to avoid the stereotype of bf and gf. The past two weeks I have not been calling him due to flu. Now he is so mean to me he won't tell me how work is, how he's doing, that he loves me, misses me, and when I called crying because I was depressed he laughed at me and called me crazy. I gave him space and I don't yell I don't know what to do. It's completely one sided now. No matter how I explain my feelings he calls me crazy and laughs at me. Is this normal? What can I do?
Help
Dear Help,
It’s a good thing you’re not officially together, because I hate having to tell people “this person is a jackass, leave them.”
I think you probably already know that this kind of treatment is neither normal nor ok and you shouldn’t be putting up with it, so my best advice would be to find someone worth your affections. With that said; if you did not call, answer his calls or contact him at all for two solid weeks because of this flu, he has some right to be angry. But I’m going to assume you were polite enough to let him know you were alive, that you love him but that you’re really too sick to be on the phone in which case he’s being completely unreasonable.
I’d also like to mention that having labels does not at all change a relationship. If I call a duck a frog, that makes the duck no less of a duck. It just means I’m in denial (or I’m stupid!) Same goes for relationships. I feel that if you were together for three years and now there’s the decision to not acknowledge each other as partners that is probably not a good sign.
Assess his behaviour. Is he often uncaring and offensive? How have you handled conflict and misunderstandings in the past? Are you getting enough out of this relationship to make it worthwhile, or is it time to move on?
Dear Miss U,
The love of my life and I have been talking and in love for 2 years now. Sadly she doesn’t live on the same continent. We have an amazing relationship, I mean AMAZING love. More than I have ever felt in person, more than I even knew possible. BUT we have not met yet. We were trying to get me to her to meet but I have an issue with my child support that I have not allowing me a passport to leave the country. So we looked at the only route left, her coming here. I have been working sooo hard on bringing her here. I even found a company that would hire her for a work visa because we don’t think a fiancé visa is the right way to go. We are getting closer to achieving our goal, even hired an immigration attorney to help with the tedious. But within the past week or so, something happened and she has lost all hope. She doesn’t feel that anything we do will be soon and I do not know how to comfort her through this. I’m dying inside not knowing how to help her through this. I am trying so hard to be the strength we need for our last little push, but now because she is unsure of herself I am starting to feel scared also. Like I said we have been doing this relationship 2 years strong now, and haven’t really spent more than a couple of days off of the phone. Do you have any advice for times like this one? I’m willing to do pretty much anything it takes to get us through this.
Jay
Dear Jay,
Firstly I am a little alarmed that you are aiming not to simply meet, but to close the distance in this first meet. I’m not sure you realize exactly how much pressure you’re putting on yourselves and your relationship by doing that – it’s a huge step. I would seriously recommend flying her over on a tourist visa first so you can meet each other. Tourist visas are generally inexpensive, and as she will be staying with you there’s no need to worry about accommodation or food (one extra person in the house doesn’t make much difference after all). Having a visit before you close the distance for good would also likely boost morale for both of you – you will be able to see exactly what you are fighting for, and test run the relationship in person. Being in near-constant communication helps, but it can’t show you what you are like together in person and it can’t guarantee your chemistry will still be there face to face.
Other than that, just do a few things to remind her why you’re worth the wait and worth the effort. Show her why there is no one on this earth who can possibly make her as happy as you can. Maybe step up the romance a little: send some flowers, read her a poem, watch a love story together. Making some friends who are in the same situation as yourselves also goes a long way. Look for the success stories and understand that those people were just normal every day citizens like yourselves and if they can triumph over the distance, then you can too.
Just hang in there, and be positive. Remember that you will feed off each others energy, so one of you needs to pull the other up when doubts bring them down. Don’t allow yourselves to wallow in feelings of hopelessness.
Dear Miss U,
I live in northwest and he lives in the southwest. It seems that we can never stop fighting. Whether it's about little things or not. Even the little things can blow out of proportion and we get into huge screaming matches. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I love him dearly but I can't handle the constant fighting anymore. It's putting stress on our relationship. We need to learn how to communicate without getting angry and yelling at each other. I was wondering if you had any advice for me at all. Thanks!
Not sure what to do anymore
Dear NSWTDA,
Step back and have a look at your relationship and your lives as individuals. Are you particularly stressed over something else? Is there an underlying issues that needs to be resolved? Sometimes we don’t fully realize what the real stressor is, and we will lash out at our partners over something not really worth our anger. For example you might be upset that he never sent a card for your birthday and you feel neglected, but instead of mentioning that, you might fly off the handle because he commented that another girl was attractive. So make sure you know what you are really fighting about and address those underlying issues. Treat the disease, rather than battling the symptoms.
Months ago I wrote an article with several tips for how to communicate more effectively, so I will re-link that now as I think it could benefit you. How to communicate.
Sincerely,
Miss U
