Hi, I met my significant other on the internet in 2006, I lived in Brazil at the time and he is also Brazilian but working in the USA. We had a long distance relationship for 8 months at the time, during those 8 months I did everything I could to move to the USA and be with him. We lived together happy for 5 years, I was thought we should come back to Brazil because of family and he agreed to come back. We sent all our stuff in a container, we bought a house together. We got engaged before I left and we were going to marry when he got here. We agreed that I should come first which was June 2012, and he would come six months later. When I got here I went back to college, I had a hard time adapting and even though we talked every day in the first couple of months he used to say I wasn't giving him attention. I know it was very hard for him, but I believed our love was so strong that he would come soon. Three months later I noticed he was changing his behaviour, becoming more distant, we would still talk every day, but he stopped making plans, I freaked out. I then started devoting all attention to him, but I think it was too late. Making a long story short, he didn't come in December, he said that now his business is going too well and he wants to stay a little longer. We still talk every day, phone, internet, facebook, but he isn't as intense as he was before. I left college again, he wants me to go back for a little while longer, so we can come together. I don't know what to do.
~ Priscila
Dear Priscila,
I want to make it very clear that I don't think you've done anything wrong in this situation. You followed the agreed upon plan, and started building a life in Brazil. I believe the reason he felt you weren't giving him enough attention is because it is hard to feel connected over the distance, particularly when you're out of practice or have lived together for an extended period of time beforehand. Your relationship should be strong enough to survive six months of less intense contact, and he should be able to handle not being your primary focus for a few months, like in the situation you described. If you're blaming yourself for him not sticking to the plan, don't. This isn't your fault, at least not entirely.
I don't think it was necessarily in your best interests to stop college, especially seeming he has a few extra years on him than you do – it's not advisable that you set your career behind for him, especially as he already has one. But, seeming you've already left, you may as well travel back to the USA and light a fire under his backside. I suspect that being together again in person will remind him why you had put plans in motion to begin with, and why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Next time, I suggest not leaving without him. Present a united front to all your problems, stick together, and plan your moves together – even if it makes sense to divide to conquer.
You may need to discuss priorities with him. Work out what is important enough to put first (moving, wedding, his business, your study) and what can wait. Stand your ground however – If his business comes out as a higher priority than moving or than the relationship, your study should be considered equal to that. Your career path (because study is part of that) is just as important as his, if not more so, as his is already established.
Dear Miss U,
Well first I know we're both young, but we have a connection with each other that we never had with anyone we've ever met. I know enough about her to say she IS the one. I'm positive that we could have a good future together.
So what I need to know is if I should let my parents stay involved with this relationship (they said it won't work out and that she's not worth it) or tell them to stay out of it. The reason we broke up was to prevent my parents from fully separating us, hopefully allowing our friendship. Please help me with this, I've literally spent hours a day online looking up advice and things about what I should do but have never gotten a clear answer. We haven't talked for a month because of my parents and it's making me go crazy, every time I hear or see or even smell something that reminds me of her I lose all concentration and zone out thinking about her. I love her and I miss her so much...she's the one I want to walk down the aisle with, and I know she feels the same for me. Please help me. Should I tell my parents to stay out of this relationship with her? Or should I listen to them knowing I may never speak to her again...
~ Chance
Dear Chance,
When you live under your parents roof, you obey their rules and show them respect. That's how it needs to be. They are not your enemies, and whilst they may not understand your feelings or support your relationship they are trying their best to be good parents, to protect you and guide you. They might not be right, but telling them to butt-out of your business isn't going to get you anywhere. It will just come across as teen angst or rebellion, and in the long run will do you no favors as likely they can control what technology you have access to.
If this girl is "the one" then she will still be there when you're an adult and can live the life you wish to. Find a way to stay in contact, even if you can't talk often enough to enjoy a fulfilling relationship right now – and that way when you're old enough to walk that aisle, you'll know where she is to invite her along.
You don't have to agree with your parents, because honestly, they have no way to know if this relationship will work out any more than you do. But seeing as they can stop you having any contact at all, it's probably best to suck it up for now, and revisit the topic again in six months to a year.
Sincerely,
Miss U
